


You are Lovely

by orphan_account



Series: Somebody to Love [1]
Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety, Depression, Drinking, Eating Disorders, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-11-20
Packaged: 2019-07-27 16:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 30
Words: 58,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16223372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jenna Black is the new kid in town. Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph are best friends in a band. Josh Dun and Tyler Joseph are both in the closet.Starts out soft but gets more dark. Stay Safe





	1. start over

**Author's Note:**

> This idea just kinda came to me and I have no idea if its any good or not. I will try to update every few days. It helps me a lot if you guys show me you are interested in reading more by leaving a comment or kudos. Thank you!  
> Disclaimer- as with most fics the characters are very (very!) different from their real life versions.  
> Based on: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJZq6QXOY_s

As Jenna stood in front of the mirror, she took her silky blonde hair up in her hand and quickly tied it into a sleek ponytail. She looked herself up and down in the mirror for much longer than normal. Starting at a new school in the middle of the semester is always difficult, but she didn’t expect it to be so hard. Every decision she made from here on out would greatly impact her experience at the new school. For example, she had to choose an outfit that reflected who she felt she was as a person, impressed her peers, but at the same time would leave a good impression on her teachers. She eventually had decided on dark blue skinny jeans and a black hoodie with a small white rose on the top right corner of the front. As for shoes, she went with her grey suede Adidas sneakers.

  
“Jenna? Honey?” She heard her mom calling her from downstairs. “Your going to be late!”

  
“Coming mom!” Jenna reached to her necklace, a small gold locket on a delicate chain, and brought it to her lips and kissed it quickly before grabbing her light grey Jansport backpack and rushing down the stairs.

  
“I packed you lunch. Oh and grab a muffin for breakfast.” Her mom gestured to the paper bag on and the plate packed full of freshly baked lemon poppyseed muffins on the counter.

  
“I’m not hungry. Thanks though.” Jenna stared at the muffins. She desperately wanted one but her brain told her no. She shouldn’t.

  
“Jen. Sweetheart.” Her mom said gently. “I used a quarter of the sugar called for and a instead of using butter I substituted it for coconut oil. Please.”

  
“Okay.” Jenna blinked a few times and willed herself not to tear up. “It’s just hard, you know?”

  
“I know sweetheart.” Her mom stood up to take her hands in her own and gave her a reassuring squeeze. For the past year Jenna had been suffering with anorexia. Two years ago she had begun to show symptoms of depression and anxiety, and she turned to food as a coping method. Whenever she felt sad, lonely, stressed, anxious, she would eat. Shockingly, she did not actually gain that much weight, but her brain convinced her she had, and she decided the solution was to stop eating all together. When her mom noticed her skipping meals and losing weight, she became very concerned. They brought her to psychiatrist who decided that Jenna’s best bet would be at an inpatient mental health care facility, and that’s where she spent the last three months of her sophomore year of High School. The psychiatrist had not only been concerned with Jenna’s anorexia but really focused on the roots of the problem-- her self loathing. Her depression and anxiety had managed to convince her that she was worthless, and disgusting, and not deserving of anything. The doctor explained how if she had been diagnosed with the other mental illnesses earlier, that the anorexia never would have been an issue. This, of course, made her parents feel very guilty- especially her mother who had noticed Jenna’s change in mood and behavior but thought she was just going through some phase. Her mom was a chef, and when Jenna was released she was able to find away to prepare nutritious low-calorie food that Jenna could cope with eating but still pushed her a little bit out of her comfort zone.

  
“I should probably get going.” Jenna whispered. Her mom let go of her hands and passed her the car keys.

  
“Have fun sweetheart.” Her mom smiled at her. Jenna walked out of the house, got into the car, then took out her phone and set google maps to the address of her new school. Then she opened apple music and hit shuffle on her playlist, and smiled a little when Crooked Teeth by Death Cab for Cutie came on. She started the engine and then reversed out into the street. She followed the directions until she made it to the school.

  
As she walked through the the big double doors into the halls she felt her breath quicken. The contrast from the quiet still outdoors to the bustling people inside the building took her aback a little bit. She noticed the small details that differentiated the Ohio public high school from her old one back in California. Arguably the biggest difference was that in this school their were actual buildings. Because it would never rain in California, the classrooms usually just exited right outside rather than into an indoor hallway. She also noticed the the big glass cases filled with trophies from sporting events. Just as she was about to reach her locker, the bell rung and she felt another rush of anxiety. She fumbled for her class schedule. First period: AP Psychology with Dr. Andrews. Room 106. She was luckily in the right building so finding the classroom wasn’t too difficult. When she got there, she was happy to see the door was already open. Closed doors were something she always struggled with. She didn’t like to open doors when she did not know what was on the other side. As soon as she stepped in, the teacher noticer her and gave her a big smile, waving her over.

  
“Jenna, right?” He asked her whilst looking at a list on his clipboard.

  
“Yeah that’s me.” She said trying to stay as calm as possible. He seemed nice. What a relief.

  
“Your sitting at that empty desk in the front. As for class materials as long as you have a laptop and a notebook you’ll be fine. It says here you were enrolled in an AP Psych course at your old school. All schools cover the units in a different order as they see fit so I hope that won’t be too big of a problem if you ever need any extra help don’t hesitate to ask.”

  
“Thank you sir, I really appreciate it.” Jenna smiled and then headed towards her desk. The girl to her right seemed shy so she didn’t try to start a conversation and make things potentially awkward.

  
“Who are you?” She heard a bold voice coming from a girl sat behind her. She stared for a minute, taken aback a bit by the question. “Sorry that was rude. I’m Rachel. Are you new?”

  
“Oh um yeah,” Jenna forced a small smile. “I’m Jenna. I transferred from California.”

  
“California?! Wow.” Rachel nodded looking genuinely intrigued. Most people in that situation would have enjoyed the attention. Jenna wasn’t most people. Luckily, before she had a chance to reply, they were interrupted by the kind voice of the teacher.

  
“Today we are going to continue with the more biologically focused unit of this course. More specifically, we are going to be talking about the endocrine system. Can somebody define the endocrine system for me please?” Jenna smiled to herself. This was the first unit they taught at her old school, so she felt very familiar with most of the content. She looked around and saw that they were all staring at the teacher blankly. Jenna shyly started to raise her hand and immediately regretted her decision when the teacher called on her. “Yes, Jenna?”

  
“Um, the endocrine system, well, it’s basically one way for the brain to send messages to the body. It uh, releases hormones.” Unlike the tone of her voice suggested, Jenna was actually pretty confident in her answer. “I think.” She always added an I think at the end of her responses for good measure.

  
“Yes, that's exactly right thank you.” She sighed deeply out of relief.

The rest of the class had gone smoothly and so had her second, third, and fourth periods. She avoided socialising with the other students by trying to be one of the last to enter the classroom and being the first to leave. During the short breaks between classes she stayed occupied looking at her phone and listening to music.

  
Now was lunch, and Jenna found herself outside, sitting under a big tree in the grassy area on the side of the main building. As she picked at her lunch, low calorie quinoa and her nearly forgotten muffin from breakfast, she heard a voice coming from in front of her.

  
“Hey. Um, sorry to bother you, um, it’s just that I usually sit here? Do you mind if we share?” In front of her was an anxious looking boy, who must of been in her grade, wearing charcoal skinny jeans and an oversized grey hoodie.

  
“Oh god, yeah, I’ll move, uh sorry.” She quickly started to pack up her untouched lunch before she was interrupted again.

  
“No no, please, you don’t have to go.” He smiled a little at her shyly. He looked genuine as he began to sit down on one of the massive protruding roots near her. Not quite next to her though, seemingly as to give her some space.

  
“Yo Ty!” Jenna looked up to see a boy with bright red hair walking up to where they were sitting.

  
“Hey Josh.” Suddenly the boy’s entire demeanor seemed to change. He smiled wide and his eyes lit up. The red haired boy sat down next to him and pulled out two granola bars, a healthy looking sandwich, and two cans of RedBull. He handed ty one of the granola bars, the sandwich, and a can of RedBull. “Thank youuuuu.” Tyler responded.

  
“Your welcomeeeeee.” Josh teased and proceeded to grab another sandwich from his backpack and started to eat it. “How’s your day going so far?”

  
“Good.” Tyler replied without making eye contact. Jenna hoped it wasn’t obvious to the two boys that she was eavesdropping.

  
“Tyler.” Josh put his sandwich down for a second.

  
“Josh.” Tyler looked up at Josh who was looking at him with a raised eyebrow, “Honestly, it was fine. I even asked the teacher a question when I got stuck in math. I should get a gold star.”

  
“Okay I believe you.” Josh seemed satisfied and continued eating his sandwich. “Hey, uh, your the new girl, right?” Jenna quickly looked up when she realised the question was directed at her.

  
“Oh, um, yeah.” Jenna tried to look calmer than she was. “Jenna.”

  
“Josh. Nice to meet you. And he’s Tyler.” Josh smiled at her warmly.

  
“You can refer to me as Tyler, or Josh’s friend. I respond to either.” Tyler said seriously. “He’s way cooler than me. He’s a drummer for this, like, super cool band.”

  
“And he’s the lead singer.” Josh joined in on the bit. They were both staring at Jenna with blank expressions on their faces. “But seriously, if your ever feeling lonely, we don’t bite.”

  
“Thanks. Nice to meet you guys.” Jenna smiled to herself a little. Maybe, just maybe, she could be happy at this school. Or maybe she could at the very least be okay.


	2. sad song with nothing to say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a short chapter but I didn't want to drag it on too long and I felt the scene deserved it's own chapter so yeah.

Tyler sat on the piano bench, waiting to hear the ignition of his mother’s car to signal that he was officially home alone. As soon as he heard the noise, he began to hit the keys.  
The song he was playing was still really rough around the edges, but he didn’t mind that it was a work in progress. It started out as a beautiful yet simple piano melody for over a minute, before it turned into a meaningful and slightly upsetting alternative rock song. The song, which he was yet to title, did not have a clear meaning to it, but all his songs were that way. Music was his therapy. Tyler had a lot of pent up negative thoughts and feelings going through his mind and the piano and his pen were how he got them out.

  
He knew he wanted to share his music at some point. When he was asked what his plans for college were, and what he wanted to do for a living, he never had a good answer. In his heart he wanted to do music, his parents wanted him to continue with basketball, and his brain told him he should do something safe and secure, like maybe accounting. But his heart told him music. It was in his blood. He picked up the piano incredibly late at 14, mostly as a coping method, and although it was very much still that to him, it had grown into a passion. Before, his music was an outlet he kept to himself, but now it was an experience he shared with Josh. The music they made together got him through his days. He hoped that his songs would help some other kid out there who was struggling. He picked up his cell phone and looked through his recents.

  
“Hello?” He heard Josh’s voice on the other side of the phone.

  
“Hey Josh. My parents aren’t home. You wanna come over?” Tyler felt nervous and he didn’t know why. He had known Josh all his life. Their parents were members of the same church and they had spent probably every weekend and minor holiday together, yet hearing Josh’s voice still made him feel as though he had butterflies in his stomach.

  
“Yeah sure, Ty.” The nickname made Tyler smile a bit. “Just give me ten minutes, yeah?”

  
“Okay. The door’s open. I’m in the garage.”

  
After hanging up, Tyler went back to the piano. He gently started to play the keys, a melody he had come up with a while ago but was yet to find lyrics suitable for. As he went on playing the sounds got louder, stronger, and heavier. He pressed the keys harder and faster. When the melody hit a point where it could not possibly get more intense, he stopped. He paused for a second before going back to where he started. Playing a soft, sad melody, but now with a tear streaming down his face.

  
“Hey.” He jumped a little at the sound and turned around to see Josh leaning against the back wall of the garage.

  
“Sorry. I didn’t hear you come in.” He wiped the tear from his face with the back of his sleeve before spinning around slowly on the black piano bench to face the other boy.

  
“That was beautiful,” Josh slowly walked towards Tyler and sat on one of the chairs near the piano. “Have I heard that one before?”

  
“No. Its new.” Tyler could barely keep track of all the music he had written. Some started as melodies he played on the piano, some started as lyrics written in his journal.

  
“What’s it called?” Josh was clearly trying to get Tyler to open up. Tyler knew that. His friend always knew when something was up.

  
“Implicit Demand for Proof. Haven't written the lyrics yet. Have em’ in my brain though.” Tyler tapped his finger against his temple twice, looking up at Josh with a small half smile.

  
“Why don’t you write them down then?” Josh stood up, pulling off his hoodie and gently tossing it aside. Under the thick sweatshirt was one of the old tank tops he always wore to drum. “You can always edit them later” He walked to the other end of the two car garage that they had turned into a makeshift studio and sat at the old, but well loved, drum kit and looked over to Tyler, waiting to hear his response.

  
“I don't know. They’re not good enough yet I guess.” Before Josh had a chance to respond, he turned back to face the piano. He began to look over at the stacks of paper with different chords and lyrics in his handwriting. None of them were good enough. He was never good enough. He would never be good enough. “You know what, I don’t really feel like playing right now.” He quickly got up and started to make his way to the door, but was blocked by Josh who gently grabbed his arms to stop him.

  
“Wait, wait.” Josh looked him in the eye and Tyler looked right back up at him. Even through his blurry tears, Tyler couldn’t help but notice how soft and warm his big brown concerned eyes were. “Tyler, what’s wrong?” It wasn’t that he didn’t want to answer, it was that he couldn’t. He didn’t know why he felt so sad and anxious all the time. He didn't't understand why he always felt a weight in his chest. He didn't know why he felt so alone even when he was surrounded by loved ones. All he knew was that he did.

  
“I don’t know.” He felt a new wave of tears coming and he didn’t even try to hold them back. As he cried, Josh wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, pulling him close against his chest.  
“It’s okay. You’ll be okay,” Josh whispered into his hair, gently rubbing his back in circular motions. “Everything is going to be okay.” For a second, Tyler actually believed him. When he was in Josh’s arms, he felt safe, he felt like he could be okay.


	3. thinking of titles is harder than the actual writing am I right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a messy chapter so I apologize in advance but you meet Brendon and start to get a better look at Josh and Tyler's relationship. The next chapter will (probably, I haven't written it yet) go back to Jenna's POV.

As Josh waited outside of Tyler’s house the next morning to drive them both to school, he thought about last night. Josh knew Tyler had issues. They had known each other since before they could talk, so not knowing what was going through his friend’s head was scaring him. If he was scared, he knew Tyler had to be terrified. Josh was glad that Tyler now felt comfortable enough around him to let him touch him. When Tyler had first started to battle his inner demons, he pulled away from his friends and family, both emotionally and physically. Luckily, it hadn’t taken him that long to open up to Josh verbally, but it took him a long time to be okay with physical contact again. When Josh eventually had to leave, it had felt like he had been holding his friend for ages yet he wished for the moment to never end. He didn’t want to go but Tyler’s mom had come back home and she had a strict rule against having friends over on school nights. He was anxious to see how Tyler was feeling after last night. It had been about two months since he had last cut himself but nevertheless, Josh worried. He had tried to call him last night after getting back to his place, but Tyler just texted him back saying he was tired and going to sleep, but that he was safe. Josh never believed him. He heard the door open and looked up out the car window to see Tyler walking out the doorway and then turning around to close the door behind him. When his friend got to the car and sat beside him, he immediately looked at him expectantly.

  
“Josh..?” Tyler looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

  
“Roll up your sleeves.” Josh looked down at Tyler’s arms than back at his eyes.

  
“I told you, I was safe.” Tyler almost muttered as he avoided the eye contact.

  
“Prove it. Not leaving till you do.” Tyler sighed and then rolled up his sleeves to reveal a single bandage covering a small section of one of his scarred arms. Josh was about to open his mouth to say something but Tyler beat him to it.

  
“I only cut once. Then I got your text. I was just worried, after you left, that you hated me or something.” Josh felt a pang in his heart at the words. Tyler was staring at his shoes and slowly rolled his sleeves back down over his skinny arms. “It wasn’t your fault you had to leave. I just… I prefer it when your there.”

  
“I’m always here for you. And I could never hate you.” Josh tried to comfort his friend the best he could. “I love you Tyler.” Even though they had been exchanging those three words for as long as he could remember, those words always made Tyler’s heart skip a beat. He got the butterflies in his stomach. He felt the sudden urge to smile.

  
“Your such a flirt.” He laughed half heartedly, still not making eye contact with Josh. “Okay, now, drive. We’re going to be late.” Josh laughed a little too. He knew better than to push Tyler too hard to talk about his feelings. Sometime talking helped. Sometimes all he needed was to get it off his mind.

 

 

At lunch, they walked together towards the tree they usually sat at together. They were a little surprised when they saw the girl they had met yesterday sitting there too. Most people would have been scared off by the two boys, Jenna just really needed friends right now.

  
“Hey, Jenna, right?” Josh sat down on her left, Tyler on his other side.

“Yeah. And your Josh? And Tyler? Hope it's okay I’m sitting here. I’ve got nowhere else to go.” She laughed but it was a sad laugh.

  
“Yeah ‘course.” Tyler spoke this time. He wondered how a girl as pretty as she was could be so sad and so alone.

  
“Hey guys.” The three looked up to see Brendon walking towards them.

  
“Brendon?! What are you doing here?!” Josh jumped off the ground and hugged the other boy tightly. Tyler felt a pang of jealousy. He wanted to be the only one Josh hugged. He didn’t know why he felt that way, he just did.

  
“That’s Brendon.” Tyler leaned over towards Jenna. “He graduated last year and his parents made him go to college for a year but he really just wants to be a musician.” Tyler stood up as well, and gestured for Jenna to join him. “Hey, Brendon.”

  
“Tyler, how are you?” Luckily Brendon didn’t move to hug him. It wasn’t that they weren’t close, quite the opposite actually, the three had been inseparable for the past five years, it was that Brendon understood Tyler’s distaste for physical contact.

  
“I’m okay, thanks.” Tyler flashed a small smile. “How’s the band?”

  
“That’s actually why I’m here. I got in contact with a band and we sent them a recording. They seemed to like what they heard so in a few weeks we’re going to go to LA for a little while and work with them.” Brendon had shoved his hands into his jean pockets.

  
“That’s such a great opportunity.” Josh nodded enthusiastically.

  
“What band? Do we know them?” Tyler tilted his head a little at Brendon the way he always did when he had a question.

  
“Uh yeah, actually, it’s Fall Out Boy.” Brendon couldn’t hold back his big smile any longer.

  
“Wait what?! Your not joking, are you?” Josh had been introduced to their music by Brendon when they met a couple years ago, and Brendon’s band, Panic! At the Disco, was heavily influenced by their music.

  
“Nope. Totally serious. We sent them a few demos, including I Write Sins, the one I showed you last time I visited, and they liked it, so, yeah.” Brendon couldn’t stop grinning.

  
“That’s amazing dude. I’m so happy for you.” Josh pulled Brendon back in for a quick hug.

  
“How about you guys, still playing music?” Brendon turned back the attention on them.

  
“Yeah. Ty has been writing and composing a lot still and I’ve just been drumming along.” Josh looked over at his friend who just nodded and offered a half smile. “We have a couple songs that are almost totally finished. We want to have a full set prepared before we start to go at it professionally. I mean, we still have time, right? We haven't even graduated yet”

  
“Yeah of course.” Brendon agreed. “Well, don’t give up. You guys have talent. I’m sure in ten years you’ll be too cool and famous to even talk to me.”

  
“Says mister Fall Out Boy here.” Tyler smirked.

  
“Ha! Yeah, it doesn’t feel real. I keep having this nightmare that we get to LA and it’s all a scam, but I figured it’s worth a shot.”

  
“Yeah ‘course. Oh, um, this is Jenna. She’s a new friend of ours.” Tyler gestures to Jenna, who is standing to his right kind of awkwardly.

  
“Nice to meet you.” Brendon shakes her hand and offers a white toothy smile.

  
“Pleasure.” Jenna smiled back.

  
“Ok, well, I’ve got to go, but I just wanted to see you guys. I’ll be in town for a few weeks so if you guys want to meet up let me know. I’d love to catch up. Oh and Jenna, nice to meet you." They all chimed in their goodbyes as Brendon walked away. Josh and Tyler shook their heads in disbelief. They couldn’t believe the same incredibly hyper, kind of awkward, Brendon that they had met in sixth grade was now on track to be one of the top alternative rock bands of the decade. The bell rang shortly after, signaling the start of class and the three went their separate ways.


	4. miss missing you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically Josh and Tyler get to know Jenna better and we talk a bit more about Jenna's personal life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have time to proofread so I hope it's okay :)

After the last class of the day, Jenna didn’t quite know where to go or what to do. Her mom had to take the car today to work and she lived to far away to walk. Although she didn’t want to, she decided that waiting a few hours on a shady bench one of the grassy lawns in front of the school wasn’t the end of the world. As she flipped through the pages of the poetry book she had been assigned for her honors literature course, she heard a voice.

  
“Hey.” She looked up to see it was Tyler. “Can I sit here?”

  
“Yeah, sure.” She moved her backpack so he could sit next to her.

  
“Thanks.” He slipped his cell phone out from his pocket and tapped the screen a few times. “Hi mom. I’m good. Yeah I have basketball. Okay. Don’t worry about it, I’ll get a ride from someone. I’m sure mom. I don’t know, maybe eight? I know, they push us hard. I will. Bye” He hung up and sighed before turning to face Jenna. “Pro tip: join the basketball team and use the non-existent practices as an excuse to go home.” He smirked at his own joke. “My mom is pretty strict. Won’t let me go out on weekdays.”

  
“Ah I see.” Jenna nodded, and then chuckled softly. “I guess you could say I’m pretty lucky, my parents could care less if I was home or on the other side of the planet.”

  
“I’m sure that’s not true.” She turned to face him.Tyler sounded genuinely concerned.

  
“I don’t know. I mean, my dad. He’s barely home, and when he is, he wants us to live this perfect life. Where we’re all happy. But, what if we’re not, you know?” She couldn’t believe she just said that. Jenna had not opened up to anyone in a long time. Last time she opened up, it was to someone she had considered her best friend, and that ended in them essentially calling her a selfish spoiled brat and refusing to even look in her direction since that day.

  
“Wow. That sucks. I’m sorry.” She was slightly taken aback by Tyler’s reaction. Most people told her something along the lines of it’s not his fault or cut him some slack, he’s working hard. She knew he worked hard, and she was grateful for it, but it wasn’t an excuse for ignoring his daughter’s anorexia, anxiety, and depression that made everyday feel like an uphill battle. “If there’s anything I can do to help, let me know.” He continued. “I know what it’s like, for life to suck a little bit.”

  
“Or suck a lot.” Jenna laughed a little.

  
“Or suck a lot. “Tyler laughed a little too.

 

 

“Hey you ready?” After sitting in comfortable silence together for a few minutes, they both turned to see Josh walking up to them. “Oh hey Jenna.” He flashed her a friendly smile.

  
“Yeh.” Tyler stood up and grabbed his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder.

  
“Is your mom coming to get you?” Josh asked Jenna.

  
“Uh, yeah. She gets off work at five.”

  
“That’s not for like, another two hours! Why don’t you come hang out with us for a bit?” Josh suggested with the same friendly smile he seemed to always have plastered on his face.

  
“I don’t want to impose...” Jenna so desperately wanted to say yes, but a bigger part of her told her they were only inviting her to be polite, and that they didn’t want her there.

  
“You wouldn’t be. I’m not taking no for an answer. Unless, of course, your mom isn’t okay with it or we make you uncomfortable.” He added with a small laugh, but his face was serious.

  
“Yeah, cause Josh and I are sooo scary and sooo intimidating.” Tyler commented sarcastically and the three laughed a little.

  
“No, no. Just, let me call my mom?” Jenna tended to do that, turn what should have been a simple statement into a question. The two boys nodded and she slid her cellphone out of her pocket. “Hi mom. I’m good. I ate. Can I go to a friend’s house? Cool. Thanks. Bye.” She hung up and began to gather her things.

  
“Does she want you to send her my address or my mom’s contact info or anything?” Josh asked thoughtfully.

  
“Nah.” Jenna shook her head and tried to find a polite way to describe her mom’s lack of interest in her daughter’s life. “My mom is pretty mellow. As long as I come home alive by eight she doesn’t really care what I do.”

  
“Must be nice.” Josh laughed.

  
“It is.” Jenna agreed with a nod. “Most of the time.” It was nice, the freedom. But do you know what else is nice? To know someone worries about you. To know someone cares whether you come home at two in the afternoon or two in the morning. Jenna didn’t have that. Her mom had recently become more aware of her mental health issues, but in her mind, it was still easily solved by a simple change in mindset. She didn’t understand that it wasn’t that simple. Her dad, on the other hand, was so busy working three jobs that she never saw him. He didn’t need to work three jobs for the money, he just needed the distraction.

 

 

The three walked across the parking lot to Josh’s car and got in, Josh driving, Tyler shotgun, and Jenna in the back.

  
“Pass the aux.” Tyler said before the other two had even gotten the chance to put their seatbelts on.

  
“Geez someone’s in a rush.” Josh fastened his seatbelt and turned on the engine, and then passed the black cable to Tyler. “Everyone buckled in?” They both said yes and Josh pulled out of the parking lot.

  
“Okay Jenna. This is the real test. I’m going to play some incredible music and you have to like it, or, even better, know it, and then we can officially be friends.” Jenna laughed a little at the what he said, but immediately stopped and smiled when she heard his song of choice. “So this might be tricky, it’s not a super popular band--” Tyler started to say before he was interrupted.

  
“Someday You Will Be Loved. Death Cab for Cutie.” She laughed at the facial expression Tyler made when he turned around to face her.

  
“Okay then. Setting the bar high, I see.” Tyler began looking through his playlist again, looking for something else to play. The next piece started with a soft instrumental melody.

  
“Disenchanted. My Chemical Romance.” Jenna smiled softly. “Too easy, Tyler. I thought this was going to be hard.” She laughed.

  
“Oh Jenna, don’t mess with Tyler.” Josh chuckled. “He’s got this secret competitive side hidden under that oversized hoodie”

  
After guessing the rest of Tyler’s songs correctly, and laughing way too much at Tyler’s shocked and slightly frustrated facial expression every time she did, Jenna slowly start to feel more comfortable. It felt like seconds had passed since they first got into the car until they were on the doorstep of Josh’s house.

  
“No one’s home yet, I don’t think.” Josh unlocked the door and led them through the house to the kitchen. Tyler, clearly very comfortable in his friend’s house, opened the pantry and grabbed a bag of Doritos and a pack of oreos.

  
“My favorite!” Josh gasped, before turning to another cupboard to grab some bottles of water.

  
“I know.” Tyler smiled a little. “Your room?”

  
“Yeh.” Josh said and the boys led her through the house, up the stairs, to Josh’s room. When they walked in, Josh and tyler dropped the snack and waters onto the bed, while Jenna just looked around, taking in the room. The walls were painted a dark grey, which fitted the room nicely. The far wall had one big window and a bed with it’s side pressed up against it. The dark wood of the bed frame matched a desk on the wall on her right hand side, and the navy duvet matched the small couch on the leftmost wall. The wall with couch was completely covered by band posters, while the desk wall had printed pictures that had been taped carefully to the wall. She walked over to them to get a closer look. Some of the pictures were with kids that Jenna guessed were his siblings, but most were with Tyler. Some were from when they were really young, but there were also recent one’s.

  
“Jenna, you want anything?” She turned to face the bed where she saw that the collection of snacks had expanded to include more varieties of chips and a bunch of different candies. Her stomach turned. Eating healthy low calorie food was hard enough, but she also wanted to be polite, she couldn’t risk losing friends right now.

  
“I’m okay for now, thanks.” She joined the two boys who were sat cross legged on the floor near the bed surrounding the mound of junk food in the middle.

  
“So, Jenna, what classes are you taking?” Tyler asked, popping a Sour Patch into his mouth.

  
“Uh, AP Psychology, AP Biology, honors Literature, US History, and AP Spanish.”

  
“How are you not dead?” Josh gave her a bewildered look. “I’m taking one AP and I barely feel like I have time to breath.”

  
“At my school in California that was the norm. I guess I like to be busy.” Jenna didn’t mention that she also too them to try to get her father’s attention, get his approval.

  
“I actually heard about that, how even public schools there are ultra competitive.” Josh, and of course Tyler, both seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say, and Jenna wasn’t sure how that made her feel. After lots of fake friendships and lying family members, she found herself skeptical of everyone.

  
“Yeah it was tough. I had a 4.0 GPA, was president of three clubs, volunteered weekly, and worked part time but it never seemed to be enough.” Saying it out loud, she realized just how stupid it sounded. She dedicated so much of her time to, well, everything. Tyler was about to open his mouth to say something but was interrupted.

  
“JOSH?” A strange voice yelled from downstairs.

  
“WHAT DO YOU WANT, JORDAN?” Josh yelled back.

  
“Nothing just wanted to make sure you were alive.” Suddenly the boy appeared in the doorway, grinning. He looked remarkably like Josh, just with slightly darker hair. “Ooo, you have a girl over? Since when did you have girls over?”

  
“Go away.” Josh grabbed a random sneaker from under the bed and chucked it at his brother. It hit him softly in the stomach. Jordan faked a look of offense and hurt, before grinning and walking away. “Sorry about that. Do you have siblings, Jenna?”

  
“Oh, um.” She paused for a minute. How did she answer that question? For most people it’s pretty straightforward. You answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and that’s that. For Jenna, however, it wasn’t that simple. “Yeah. Yes.” She decided. “A brother, but uh,” Now this was the hard part. “He passed away.”

  
“Oh Jesus, sorry, I had no idea, I wouldn’t have asked.”

  
“It’s okay.” Jenna told herself more than she told Josh. “It happened two years ago.”

  
“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to, but, what happened?” Tyler spoke this time. He was looking back and forth from down at the floor to Jenna’s eyes.

  
“No, uh, it’s okay.” She had never actually told anyone yet. At her old school, everyone just knew. “He, well, there was a shooting, at his university, and he jumped in front of another kid.”

  
“Wow. He sounds brave.” Tyler made eye contact with her again but held it for a little longer. “It must be hard for you to talk about it though.”

  
“Yeah, we can change the subject.” Josh added.

  
“Uh, yeah, let’s change the subject.” Jenna nodded and tried to regain control of her breathing which had been quickening.

  
She missed her brother everyday. Every second of everyday. He was a kind, non confrontational human being, but anytime someone at school picked on her, or a guy would do or say something stupid, he stood up for her. He had always there for her. She always knew how to make her laugh and was an absolute genius, always helping her study for tests. He was her rock. She thought that talking about her brother would be incredibly difficult, and it was, but she also felt a little bit lighter talking about it. She couldn’t talk about it with her mom because she would just be overcome with heartbreak again. She couldn’t talk about it with her dad because he was yet to acknowledge it had happened, and he was never home anyway. She didn’t have friends she could talk about it to and her parents didn’t believe in therapy. She was alone in this. 

  
“Okay. But, if you ever want to talk, we’re here for you.” She looked up at Tyler, wondering if he had just read her mind.

  
“Thanks, that uh, means a lot.” Jenna smiled sadly, looking down at the ground and then back up at him. It would still be difficult to talk about him for a long time, but the gesture meant a lot, and she really appreciated how understanding the boys were being, and how they weren’t pushing her to talk about it.

  
“Anytime.” Tyler nodded.

  
“Mario Kart, anyone?” Josh suggested after a slightly uncomfortable pause and the other two quickly agreed. They spent the rest of the afternoon playing the video game and laughing together. Jenna finally felt at ease. They played for hours on end, only stopping when the sun set and Tyler’s mom was frantically calling him to see when he would be home. Jenna came home a little happier than she had left this morning, and that was a good feeling. A feeling she hadn’t felt in a long time.


	5. march to the sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is struck with inspiration and faces a realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so much fun to write. Thank you everyone for the comments and the love, I wasn't expecting people to actually read a story I came up with when I couldn't sleep one night. It's been a crazy week. Between my job, my extracurriculars and my classes I have been absolutely dead but writing this offers a much needed break.

Later that night, Tyler found himself alone at his desk in front of a blank page in his notebook only illuminated by his small desk lamp. His brother Zack, with whom he shared a room, was at a friend's house, supposedly working on a project, but Tyler knew it was just a cover.

In his English literature class they had been studying poetry, and Tyler absolutely adored it. He loved the intricate metaphors and rhythms in the text that made the words come alive. He loved the way a comma could give a simple phrase so much meaning or how the use of a single adjective could change the picture the words painted in his head. For homework, they had been assigned to write their own poem. They weren’t given too many guidelines, just that it had to be over ten lines but under twenty, had to be meaningful, and had to be appropriate. It was the last restriction that got to him. What was deemed appropriate? He had written a lot of poems, (well, they were lyrics really, but he supposed that they were just poems accompanied by instruments,) but they were all dark discussions of mental health or satirical critics on society. He knew that most of the students would probably write something bland about diving into the unknown or love or equality or something. Those themes were popular among the other seniors who were applying to colleges and thinking about their next steps in life. Tyler wasn’t like the other kids. He thought about things differently. He barely had time to think about the uncertainty of the future while he was fighting the demons of the present. He knew he was expected to go along the same path as the other students: graduate high school, got to college, get a job, marry a girl, have kids, grow old, and eventually die. He didn’t want to go down that path. He knew it wasn’t for him, but society didn’t seem to have caught on that there was in fact a different way to do things. And with that though, his pen hit the paper.

_There's miles of land in front of us_  
_And we're dying with every step we take_  
_We're dying with every breath we make_  
_And I'll fall in line_

_A stranger's back is all I see_  
_He's only a few feet in front of me_  
_And I'll look left and right sometimes_  
_But I'll fall in line_

_No one looks up anymore_  
_'Cause you might get a raindrop in your eye_  
_And Heaven forbid they see you cry_  
_As we fall in line_

_And about this time of every year_  
_The line will go to the ocean pier_  
_And walk right off into the sea_  
_And then we fall asleep_

_And as we're near the end of land_  
_And our ocean graves are just beyond the sand_  
_I ask myself the question_  
_Why I fall in line_

Although at that point he had hit the limit on the length, he kept writing because he had so much more to say. He kept writing and writing, and by the time he finished, he found that what he had written was a song. He smiled a little to himself, it had been a long time since he had felt inspired enough to write a whole, complete, song. Now he just had to find a rhythm, although he already had a pretty good idea of what it was in his head, and write down the chords. He ran down the stairs to the garage, excited by the sudden inspiration. He sat down at the piano and began to transfer the music from his brain onto the keys. Then he wrote them down. It was a tedious process. The notes always sounded different in his mind than they played out, but he didn’t mind it. When he finally finished, he took out his phone and called Josh.

“Hello?” Josh’s tired voice said through the speakers. “Tyler? Everything okay?” Usually when Tyler called Josh late at night, it meant there was a problem, that the bad thoughts that circulated in his brain had won.

“Josh!” Tyler could barely contain his excitement. “I wrote a song! A good one! A complete one! With lyrics and chords and everything! It’s beautiful! You have to come over and hear it! And you can add some drums!” Tyler paused when he heard Josh laugh on the other end. Tyler loved his laugh. It was the kind of laugh that made you smile, but it wasn’t obnoxiously loud.

“Okay, tomorrow’s Friday, so we can go to your place after school, yeah?” Tyler then realised that Josh’s voice was tired, and that he probably wanted to get some sleep.

“Yeah, definitely.” Tyler nodded as he paced around the garage, knowing that Josh couldn’t see him.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“Yeh, bye.” He hung up and then played the song through a few times. It wasn’t a happy song, and it definitely didn’t fit his mood, but it was his, and it was beautiful, and that was all that really mattered in the moment.

 

The next day couldn’t have gone by any slower. He started the day with calculus, arguably the most boring and tedious math class he had taken yet. Then he had physics and history, which were not quite as bad, but he would still rather bang his head against the wall for the hour. After that he had a free period and then he ended the day with literature. That class was the only one he was taking that he genuinely enjoyed. People had always told him he was good with words and he enjoyed reading, so the subject had come pretty easily to him. Although he was proud of the words he had written, he was thankful that his teacher hadn’t made them present their poems in front of the class. He was okay with his teacher reading them but he still wasn’t comfortable with the idea of his peers listening to what he had written. They were more than just words on a page, they were his thoughts, his heart and soul had been poured onto the piece of paper. As he walked out of the building towards the front of the school, he saw that Josh was already outside, talking to Jenna.

“Hey Tyler, you ready?” Josh asked him, “Oh, and is it okay if Jenna joins us?” The blonde smiled up at him shyly.

“Yeah of course.”

When they finally got to his place and stepped into his garage, it hit him. Tyler had been too focused on getting to his place and playing showing Josh the new song that he didn’t consider that he would be playing in front of someone else too. He had literally only played his own original songs for Josh before. When they last played for Brendon, they hadn’t come up with anything original yet do they played a cover of a Death Cab song. It was lot easier to sing someone else’s words than your own. But then he thought of Jenna. She was a sweet, shy girl, and understood that life wasn’t an easy path for everyone. She had trusted them enough to talk about her brother to them, so he felt selfish for not wanting to play a song in front of her.

“Josh, here are the chords, and the lyrics, but I was thinking that first time through I can just play and then you can jump in as you see fit?” Josh nodded as he took the papers of messy writing from Tyler’s hands and sat at the drum kit, reading them through a couple times before handing them back to Tyler. He turned to face Jenna. “We’re just going to run through a song I wrote last night. It’s still messy so, uh, don’t judge.” He offered her a half smile as he sat at the keyboard.

That’s when his heart rate started to quicken. He felt a wave of negative thoughts. _The song isn’t good enough. The lyrics are terrible. The chords are too simple. Your voice sucks. You suck_. He felt his heart rate quicken as the anxiety settled in. He looked up at Josh who gave hima nod of encouragement. And he started to play the keys. As he played all his insecurities and fears slowly began to wash away. His voice started out barely above a whisper but as it went on his voice began to gain more confidence. After a while, in the middle of a short instrumental, Josh joined in with the drums. And that’s when he knew. That’s when he knew for sure that this was what he wanted to do with his life. It wasn’t accounting, it wasn’t basketball. It was music. For the first time in his life he genuinely felt confident, and that was a feeling he wanted to hold onto forever.


	6. march to sea part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one day?? I think yes.

After Tyler hit the last note of the song, he took a deep breath. That had felt so good. He and Josh had played a lot of music together, but nothing had felt quite this good. The high he got from playing with Josh, in front of people (even the only person was Jenna), was like no other. He felt absolutely terrified and completely thrilled at the same time. Though the song they had played was overall on the softer side, when he sang it the words had so much meaning and his voice were filled with so much raw emotion that it took him over completely. He stayed at the bench for minute, staring at the keys and taking deep breaths feeling the adrenaline rush coming to an end. He was nervous to see what his friends had thought. Josh had never heard this piece before, and Jenna had never even heard him sing, let alone play, before. He looked up when he felt Josh’s hands on his shoulder, standing up as he was being pulled into a quick hug.

“That was…” Josh’s voice was breathless as he pulled away from Tyler, who was happy to see that his friend was just as lost for words as he was. “Incredible… just incredible.” His eyes had a dazed look. Clearly he had felt the same high that Tyler had. They had never played an original song all the way through, either because they simply weren’t finished or because they got too caught up in the imperfections. And now they had done it. They had written a song, played it for the first time, and performed it in front of another person, all within twenty four hours.

“Yeah… Yeah…” Tyler agreed, his voice was also breathless, and a little hoarse from singing at the top of his lungs. That’s when Tyler glanced at Jenna, who was standing at the back of the garage, a huge smile plastered on her face.

“Guys… that was amazing!” She walked over to where they were standing in the middle of the garage. “The energy and the emotion was incredible, the lyrics were beautiful and poetic, the performance was amazing to watch, it was incredible.” The Jenna that Tyler knew, a usually shy, reserved, anxious girl, was unrecognizable. She was replaced by a person filled with so much energy and adoration and happiness that Tyler didn’t comprehend. His music, their music, had made someone feel like that.  He wanted to do it again, and again. He wanted to make people feel that way through his music. He didn’t know how he was going to do that, but what he did know was that he wanted to do that for the rest of his life.Tyler pulled her into a quick side hug and then pulled away. He wasn’t big into physical contact but he felt a hug was in order. 

“Thanks, Jen.” He couldn’t stop smiling. None of them could. Music just had that power over people. “You should feel pretty special. You’re the first person to ever listen to an original song by Twenty One Pilots.”

“Twenty One Pilots?” Josh, who was still a little breathless from drumming his heart out, gave him a confused look, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah. I thought it would make a good name for our band. What do you think?” Tyler started reorganizing the papers of chords and lyrics that littered the piano. He sorted them between two piles. Finished (this pile only held one song, the one he just played, which he decided to call ‘March to the Sea’) and incomplete (this pile held at least fifty pieces of paper filled with chords and lyrics that still didn’t quite go together and needed work)

“Twenty One Pilots… I like it.” Josh grinned and peeled off his sweaty shirt, revealing his lean figure and toned abs. Tyler couldn’t help but stare, hoping that Josh wouldn’t notice, as the other boy walked towards his backpack to find a clean shirt. His heart pounded faster and he felt a fluttering sensation in his gut as he watched the way Josh’s muscular shoulders moved when he bent down, his pale skin gleaming with sweat. When Josh began to turn around, walking back towards them, he forced himself to pull his eyes away. The three friends sat on the old couches in the garage, Josh and Tyler on the long one, Jenna curled up in an armchair, and shared light small talk on their day. Eventually, Jenna’s mom called to tell her it was time to come home so Tyler offered to drive her home, giving Josh time to shower.

They got into Josh’s car, Tyler had his license but didn’t have his own car, and Tyler thought he’d use this as an opportunity to have some one on one time with Jenna. She lived on the other side of town so it was a good ten or fifteen minute drive. 

“So, how’s life?” He started. He wasn’t sure where he was going with the conversation, or were he hoped it would go, all he knew was that he trusted Jenna. She had a way of making him feel comfortable and safe, and he wasn’t one to trust easily. 

“Good. I like it here so far.” She wasn’t lying. Compared to her life back in California, things had improved a lot. But she still struggled. Every meal was a struggle. She was still dealing with her depression. Her anxiety made participating in class hard. Although she still struggled, and she guessed that she would never stop struggling, she did have these two boys, and she had a feeling that they would be good friends to her. “I’m not going to lie. My life was pretty shit back in California, and a lot of my problems won’t be fixed by a simple change of location, but things are looking up.”

“I’m happy to hear that.” Tyler was being genuine. He knew what it was like. Although the girl had never mentioned having depression or an anxiety disorder or any mental health conditions for the matter, he had a pretty good feeling she struggled with them. The way she acted and the little bit of information she had shared about her personal life clued him into that.

“Thanks.” Jenna was looking out the window at the road illuminated only be streetlights and the headlights of the other cars. 

“Anytime.” Tyler kept his eyes forward as he drove through the dark streets.

“Seriously, though, thank you.” Jenna continued. Tyler glanced over at her and then back at the road. “My biggest fear when my parents announced that we would be moving halfway across the country was that I wouldn’t have any friends. Kind of ironic considering I didn’t even have friends in California, but it was a fear, none the less. So, thank you.” Tyler pulled over onto the side of the street.

“What was California like?” He shifted in his seat to face Jenna, hoping that she wouldn’t mind the sudden change in subject. She turned and frowned for a second before speaking.

“California? It was, I mean, it was nice I guess. The weather was always perfect and it was really techy and stuff. It was super high stress though and everybody was on edge all the time.”

“How about, like, politically? Socially?” He pressed, not having gotten the answer he wanted.

“Really liberal, progressive. It was nice in that respect.” Jenna still looked a little confused. Tyler nodded for a second and then they sat in silence for a minute.

“Tyler, is everything okay?” Jenna barely finished her question when Tyler spoke.

“I’m gay.” He blurted out. He didn’t mean to say it. He had barely gotten comfortable thinking about it, let alone announcing it to a stranger. His heart rate and breathing got faster and faster, anxiety and nerves were building up inside him.

“I know.” Was all that Jenna said. All of Tyler’s thoughts were suddenly silenced.  _ What?  _ He thought.  _ What does she mean, ‘I know’? _

“You knew?” Was all that Tyler managed to choke out as he held back tears.

“I saw the way you were looking at Josh earlier, when he took his shirt off. And with your fashion sense?” She laughed softly “I just had a feeling.” All Tyler could do was stare at her in disbelief. First of all, she was okay with it? And second of all, she  _ knew _ ?

“You can’t tell Josh. You can’t tell anybody. They’ll kill me. My family. The kids at school. They will literally kill me.” Tyler murmured through his tears. “And you-- I can’t tell Josh. His friendship-- it’s the only reason I’m alive. I can’t-- I can’t lose him” He stuttered and his voice got a little stronger causing it to break through the sentence. Jenna gently placed her hand on his arm and rubbed a little bit through the hoodie. She hit an old scar causing him to wince a little, but overall the sensation was comforting. He closed his eyes and let the tears roll down his face. They stayed there for a few minutes, Jenna rubbing his arm and whispering things like  _ It’s going to be okay _ and  _ I won’t tell anyone _ . Tyler knew he could trust her.

 

On the ride home he couldn’t help but feel a little bit lighter than he had on the way over. He still wasn’t ready to come out to the worlds, but having one person know, that helped. It really helped. Before he dropped her off, he and Jenna had exchanged phone numbers and promised to make plans to get together this weekend, just the two of them. Knowing he finally had someone he could talk to about all the pent up feelings he had was comforting, but most of all he was excited to finally have someone who he could ramble on to about how pretty Josh’s eyes were and how adorable his laugh was.

 

When he finally gets back to his place, he finds Josh in his bedroom, wearing dark navy blue checkered pajama pants and an oversized black hoodie. They exchanged hellos and Tyler got changed. They had been friends for so long that Tyler wasn’t even phased as he pulled off his skinny jeans and pulled on some comfy black sweatpants instead. He quickly pulled off the black hoodie he had been wearing all day and traded it for the obnoxious purple one he never wore outside the house. They had kicked Zack out, but conveniently he already had plans to sleep over at a friend’s house that night so they had the bedroom to themselves. They brought up a pizza they had ordered and sat on the bedroom floor, talking about nothing in particular, and then the topic of Jenna came up.

“I worry about her.” Josh picked at the carpet while they spoke. “In the five days I’ve known her I literally haven’t seen her eat a thing. I don’t want to make assumptions but…” Tyler knew where he was going with this.

“You think she’s anorexic.” Tyler looked up and Josh met his eyes.

“Yeah. I don’t know, but all the signs are there.” Tyler thought about what he was saying. Josh wasn’t wrong. She never finished her lunches and always ended up emptying the plastic food containers into the trash can but keeping the containers to bring them home.

“I think your right.” Tyler nodded slowly.

“I hope I’m wrong.” Josh sighed and stood up. “It’s getting late. Do want to get ready for bed?”

“Yeh.” Tyler also stood up, grabbing the cardboard pizza box and bringing downstairs to throw it away. He really hoped Josh was wrong about this.

 

Tyler usually struggled getting to sleep, his insomnia keeping him up until the sun was practically rising again, but with Josh in the bed on the other side of the room, Tyler fell asleep quickly and easily to the steady sound of his breaths.

  
  



	7. twisted mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little trigger warning at the end for mentions of self harm. It's not too bad but I thought I'd put it out their anyway.

Tyler woke up to the sounds of gentle breathing as sunlight slowly trickled into his bedroom. He looked over at the old alarm clock on his bedside table and read the time: 6:53. He groaned and rolled over, willing himself to get a few more hours of sleep, but eventually gave up. He sat up in the bed, leaning against the wall it was pressed up against and looked over to Josh. He couldn’t help but notice how cute he looked when he slept, his curly hair messy and tangled and his face showing a peaceful expression. He got off the bed and tiredly made his way over to his desk, slouching as he sat in the desk chair. He pulled out the notebook he used to write lyrics and his pen hit the paper. The words flowed out easily, his mind teeming with ideas and inspiration after yesterday’s performance.

 

_ Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty sleeper _

_ Your twisted mind is like snow on the road _

_ Your shaking shoulders prove that it's colder _

_ Inside your head than the winter of dead _

 

_ I will tell you I love you _

_ But the muffs on your ears will cater your fears _

_ My nose and feet are running as we start _

_ To travel through snow _

_ Together we go _

_ Together we go _

 

_ We get colder _

_ As we grow older _

_ We will walk _

_ So much slower _

 

_ Oh, Ms. Believer, my pretty weeper _

_ Your twisted thoughts are like snow on the rooftops _

_ Please, take my hand, we're in foreign land _

_ As we travel through snow _

_ Together we go _

_ Together we go _

 

_ We get colder _

_ As we grow older _

_ We will walk _

_ So much slower _

 

The song was about no one in particular. In fact, Tyler was completely lost on what the song was about. He felt as though part of it was about his relationship with Josh but he also saw that some of lyrics made him think about Jenna, or even about himself. It was weird how sometimes the lyrics made no sense, not even to himself, although he was the one who wrote them. As he stared at the next blank paper, willing an idea to some to mind, he heard movement coming from the other side of the room. He turned and smiled a bit when he saw Josh slowly opening his eyes.

“Hey.” He watched the groggy boy slowly sit up in bed, clearly annoyed to be up so early on a weekend.

“Gmornin.” The sounds that escaped Josh’s lips was barely words, making Tyler chuckle a little to himself. Josh coughed, clearing his throat, and rubbed his eyes with his hands. “What are you doing.” It was a question but his voice made it sound more of a statement.

“Writing.”

“Hmm.” Josh shifted towards the edge of the bed and stood up. He stretched his arms up as he yawned, causing his hoodie to creep up and expose his abdomen, making Tyler have to resist the urge to stare. Josh then walked over to the desk and picked up the notebook, looking at new lyrics. “They’re pretty. I like it.”  _ Not as pretty as you.  _ Tyler thought before responding.

“Thanks. I already have a pretty good idea of the melody. We can try playing it later, if you want.” Josh set the notebook down and walked back to the bed and sat down.

“Yeah, we should.” Josh nodded. 

“Breakfast?” If there was anything Tyler and Josh loved more than music it was food. Those boys could eat.

“Yes please.” Josh grinned and hopped off the bed, following Tyler out of the room, down the stairs, and into the kitchen. Tyler grabbed the pancake mix from the pantry and prepared the batter while Josh grabbed eggs and bacon from the fridge and warmed a skillet on the stove. They worked in comfortable silence until the food was ready and on the table. The rest of Tyler’s family was still asleep so it was just them at the big dining room table.

“Do you have a basketball game this weekend?” Josh asked after swallowing a mouthful of pancakes.

“No, but my parents want me to go play with Zack at the park later today, extra practice.” As he ate the bacon and eggs that Josh had made them he couldn’t help but think about how good of a cook Josh was. Sure, anyone could manage eggs and bacon but he decided that Josh’s were the best, no doubt. “I was also going to get in contact with Jenna, see if she wanted to hang out.”

“Like a date?” Josh smirked at him. Tyler wanted to tell him the truth but he knew he couldn’t.

“No, not like a date.” Tyler took another bite of breakfast.

“Do you wish it was?” Josh’s voice suddenly lost it’s teasing tone and turned soft. Tyler also thought he heard a bit of sadness in his voice but he decided it was just his imagination.

“No.” He paused for a second. “I actually like someone else.” Tyler looked down at his plate, immediately regretting his decision to add that last bit.

“Oh, okay.” He was shocked but thankful when Josh didn’t push, asking who it was.

“I just wanted to have some one on one time with her. Get to know her better, you know?” Tyler looked up at Josh, who had stopped eating. “You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” Josh forced a smile and pushed his eggs around on the plate before taking a bite. “And that sounds like a good idea.” They finished their food and got dressed. They ran through the new songs a few times and then Josh headed to his place while Tyler biked over to the restaurant he had planned to meet Jenna at.

 

 

The two of them were sitting at a table in one of Tyler’s favorite restaurants. It was more of a cafe, with blue walls and dark wooden tables where you could sit after ordering your food. He ordered a ham and cheese crepe and french fries and Jenna went for the fried calamari and sweet potato fries. She had tried to convince him that she wasn’t hungry but Tyler saw right through it and practically forced her to order something, but only with the best intentions. They sat silently for a few minutes, Tyler eating his crepe with the sort of confidence Jenna could have only hoped for, while she picked at her own food.

“So, how’s it going?” Tyler initiated the conversation.

“Good.” Jenna nodded and took a bite of calamari. “How was the sleepover?”

“Oh god don’t even get me started.” Tyler looked around, making sure no one was close enough to over hear. “It’s just hard, you know? Keeping this from him? I tell him everything. I wish I could just tell him how I feel instead of sneaking in glances when he’s not looking. I’m such a coward.” Jenna couldn’t help at smile at how in love Tyler was.

“First of all, you are not a coward. Second of all, how do you know he doesn’t feel the same way?” Jenna asked, taking a sip of her tea. Tyler paused for a moment.

“I guess I never considered that an option. I mean, he’s Josh and I’m Tyler. I would know.” He took a bit of his crepe. “He loves me. But that’s very different from the way I love him.”

“Yeah, I get it.” Jenna ate a few fries, giving herself a mental high five for eating so much at lunch time. “You know, I was friends with a few gay kids at my old school. I could give you one of their phone numbers, just so you can talk about coming out and stuff. It wasn’t nearly as difficult for them as it will be for you because of the area we lived in and such but it might help.”

“You know what? I would really appreciate that.” Tyler smiled a bit. They had light conversation for the rest of lunch and started to get to know each other better. Tyler knew that no matter what happened with Josh, he would have Jenna. And Jenna knew that no matter what happened with herself, she had Tyler. And that felt good. 

As they got ready to leave, Tyler reached to grab some of the trash on the table and the sleeve of his hoodie crept up his arm, revealing the pale skin distorted by uniform scars along the inside of his forearm. Jenna and he made eye contact, Jenna with a look of concern and Tyler with one of fear and embarrassment, and made an unspoken agreement to talk about it later.

They both sat in Jenna’s car in silence. Tyler was waiting for her to say something, and Jenna was trying to figure out what to say.

“Before I say anything, I want you to know that I get it.” Jenna unbuttoned her jeans but before he had a chance to panic Tyler saw the scars littering her thighs. The girl pulled her pants back up and rebuttoned them before continuing. “I get it. Life gets hard. You want to feel something, or you feel you deserve the pain. But Tyler? Cutting yourself, hurting yourself, is not going to fix it. It’s not going to make the pain go away. I tried it. It doesn’t help.”

“I know it doesn’t but,” He too a minute to take a breath and wipe the tears with the back of his sleeve, “It helps a bit. In the moment. It helps a bit.”

“It hurts more than it helps, I can promise you that.” Jenna looked over at the boy who had tears streaming down his face. “Let’s go to my place.”

“But-- my bike-- I--” He struggle to speak through the tears.

“I’ll bring you back later. But let’s go to my place.”

  
  



	8. soul meets body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not posting yesterday so here's an extra special chapter.

When Tyler and Jenna got to her place, they went to her room. Her parents were out so they had the house to themselves, but Jenna clearly felt more comfortable in the comfort of a space that was her own, behind a closed door. The walls were blank, evidently because of the recent move, and the design was simplistic. Tyler took a moment to walk around the space. The desk had a stack of textbooks in one corner and a stack of graph paper notebooks in the other. Jenna had mentioned that the other day, how she only wrote on graph paper because it was so much neater. In the middle of the desk was a notebook that was different from the others. This one was much smaller, maybe half the size of a standard piece of paper, and had a leather cover. The dresser on the other side of the room had a tray on it with an assortment of necklaces and hair ties. One necklace in particular caught his eye, a circular locket on a gold chain with the word  _ forever _ engraved into it. They sat on the bed, Tyler’s eye red and puffy from the tears, and Jenna anxious to be having this conversation so early on in their friendship.

“So, we’re pretty broken, huh?” Tyler chuckled as he used the back of his sleeve to wipe any remaining tears from his face.

“Yeah, I guess we are.” Jenna laughed with him and pulled her legs up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. They sat in silence for a while, neither one sure where to start.

“I want you to know that I am doing better.” Tyler said, not making eye contact.

“Okay.” Jenna unfolded her legs and let them dangle off the side of the bed.

“I’m doing better. The last time I cut was on Monday but I stopped before I made too much damage and before that I was clean, for a while.” He still wasn’t making eye contact, his eyes locked on the wall across from them.

“Okay.” Jenna repeated. They fell back into silence. Jenna couldn’t stop thinking about the boy next to her, wondering what was going through his mind.

“But, uh, it’s still hard.” She looked at him and for the first time since they sat on the bed, he looked her in the eye. “The other day, I had a panic attack, and I don’t even really know where it came from. Sometimes I wish I could just end it all, you know?”

“Yeah, I do.” Jenna wasn’t sure when she started crying. All she knew was that she had silent tears gently falling down her face now. “I do know.” She shifted so she was sitting closer to him, letting him lean his head on her shoulder. She let her head rest on his and they sat in silence once again simply enjoying each other’s company.

 

After a while, Tyler realized it had gotten pretty late and went to check his phone. When he pulled the device out of his pocket, he noticed the missed calls and texts from his mother. He frowned a bit and then it hit him: he was supposed to play basketball with Zack this afternoon, and he had completely forgotten. His parents would be furious. Jenna drove him home and as he stepped through the doorway, he braced himself for the wrath of his parents.

“Tyler Joseph. Where have you been?! I have been calling and calling, you were supposed to practice with your brother today.” He looked over to Zack, who only shot him an apologetic glance. “So? What was more important than your family this time?” In front of outsiders, his parents were kind, loving, church goers. In the comfort of their own home, they were strict and frankly emotionally abusive.

“I was with a friend.” He tried to keep his breathing even and his voice calm.

“A friend? What  _ friend _ could be more important than your own blood?” This time it was his father who spoke, with a voice so cruel it made him physically shake out of fear.

“I’m sorry.” Was all he could manage to choke out. He didn’t even bother trying to explain himself, knowing it wouldn’t change anything.

“You better be. Your mom and I are going to take your siblings out to dinner. You can stay here and think about what you’ve done.” Tyler simply nodded and then ran up the stair into his bedroom. He resisted his urge to slam the door and instead shut it gently before collapsing into his bed and sobbing. A few minutes later he heard the door open and shut again.

“I’m sorry.” He heard Zack’s voice. His brother came over and sat on the bed, making sure not to get too close to Tyler.

“It’s not your fault. It’s them.” Tyler said through the tears. Although he couldn’t see Zack nod he knew they were both in agreement. This was a typical occurrence in the Joseph home, today was just particularly difficult considering how emotionally drained Tyler already was.

 

When his family finally left and he had the house to himself, he texted Josh.

_ Tyler: hey. u free? _

_ Josh: yeah. your place? _

_ Tyler: yeh. _

Josh arrived only five minutes later, and immediately noticed the tears on Tyler’s face and knew something was wrong. As soon as the door shut behind him, Tyler immediately fell into his embrace as the older of the two pulled him into a hug. Josh just held the smaller boy close and softly, whispering comforting things into his ear. Tyler let the warmth of the other’s body warm his cold, cold soul. They stayed there for a while, Tyler needing the comfort and Josh happy to provide it. When their legs started to get tired from standing, they moved to the couch in the TV room and put on a movie for the distraction. Josh sat on one end and Tyler on the other. It was comfortable, but Tyler missed the feeling of the other boy’s arms around him. He let his thoughts run free. Thinking about Josh’s curly hair through his fingers and his hands caressing his face. He thought about his pale skin and warm eyes. He thought about the way he slept and the passion in the way he played the drums. His thought were then interrupted by the boy’s voice.

“So, what happened? Was it lunch with Jenna?” Josh shifted to face him.

“Parents.” Was all Tyler said.

“I’m glad you texted me.” Tyler just nodded, pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands. A few moments of silence passed before Josh spoke again. “There’s something I need to tell you.”

Tyler glanced over at him, noticing that the other boy suddenly looked very anxious.

“You okay?” Tyler frowned in concern and reached over to touch Josh’s leg but the other boy flinched away.

“No, no it’s not okay.” Josh murmured nervously, hand over his face, staring at the wall.

“You can tell me.” Tyler tried to read the other’s mind but couldn’t.

“There’s no easy way to say it so I guess I just will.” Josh got up and paced back and forth in front of the television, looking as though he was arguing with a voice inside his head. Tyler knew what that was like, arguing with your inner demons. “I’m gay.”

Tyler wasn’t sure if feeling absolutely overjoyed was the most appropriate emotion to be feeling right now, so he did his best to hide it.

“That’s okay, I don’t care.” Tyler tried to sound as casual and comforting about it as he could.

Josh froze in his tracks.

“You-- you’re okay with it?” He gave him a look of disbelief.

“Yeah.” Josh sat back down on the couch, looking incredibly uncomfortable. “And, uh, actually, not to like, steal your thunder, or anything, but, uh, I’m actually, gay, too?” Tyler chuckled.

“Your joking.” Josh starred him dead in the eye. “Is this some sort of prank?”

“Nope.” Tyler laughed a little.

“Wow.” Josh leaned back into the couch and then faced Tyler again. “When did you know?”

“I guess I always kinda… knew. You know?” Tyler carefully looked at every movement that the other boy made, looking for any sign that would point to what he was thinking.

“Yeah… Same here.” Josh rubbed his face with his hands. “Wait. Tyler.”

“Yeh?”

“Earlier today, when we were talking about Jenna, you mentioned that you liked somebody else.”

“Yeah.” Tyler knew where this was going.

“A boy?” Josh looked really uncomfortable, but that was outweighed by curiosity.

“Mhm.” Tyler began to feel hot and sweaty as his heart rate increased.

“Do I know him?”

“Yeah, well actually.”

“Is he cute?”

“The prettiest.”

“Is he gay?”

“Yep.”

“Does he like you back?”

“I guess I’ll find out.” That’s when Tyler reached over and gently cupped Josh’s face with his hand, and slowly leaned in for a kiss. The younger of the two moved slowly, giving Josh the opportunity to pull away if he wanted to, but the other boy stayed. As soon as Tyler could feel the warmth of Josh’s breath against his skin he closed his eyes, and that’s when he felt Josh push his lips against his, taking the lead. He sighed into the kiss when he felt Josh’s hands make their way to his neck, shooting what felt like electricity through his veins. The kiss wasn’t particularly urgent or aggressive, nor was it too soft or gentle. It was special and passionate, and perfect in every single way. There was no tongue, just two pairs of soft lips. Eventually, like all good things, it came to an end. Josh pulled away and cleared his throat, face red. Tyler also felt his cheeks turning pink and ran his fingers through his hair nervously.

“I think he likes you back.” Josh stated matter of factly and both boys chuckled softly. They sat in silence, both clearly in shock by the night’s events, until they heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. Tyler quickly helped Josh out through the back door, and then ran back up to his room. He threw himself onto his bed and smiled at the ceiling.  _ Josh likes me back. _ He fell asleep easily to happy thoughts and dreams of the curly haired boy.


	9. he has fallen in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. This chapter is the longest yet and took some time to write. A lot happens!

Tyler woke up to the familiar feeling of light creeping through the blinds. He was about to groan and will himself to go back to sleep but then he remembered last night. Josh’s hands on his face, lips on his. He felt a warm feeling through his body and rolled over to check his phone. He saw a few texts from Josh and one from Jenna.

_ Josh: we need to talk _

_ Josh: that sounded bad. It’s not bad _

_ Josh: but yeah we need to talk _

_ Tyler: okay. can i come over or..? _

While Tyler waited for Josh to reply he answered Jenna’s text.

_ Jenna: want to hang out today? only if you want I know we went to lunch yesterday haha _

_ Tyler: yeah sure! _

_ Tyler: Josh and I are doing something this morning but I’ll text you after? _

Tyler rolled out of bed and hopped in the shower. He was starting to get worried about what was going to happen with Josh, and wondered if maybe he had changed his mind and didn’t like him after all. The worst part of it all was that either way, it would end their friendship. Even if they both agreed that they liked each other as more than friends, it would most likely end with them broken up. It was a tricky situation.

He got out of the shower and dried himself off and brushed his teeth. He then made his way back to his room and checked his phone.

_ Josh: my parents are at church so if you want to come over you can _

_ Josh: I told them I was sick _

_ Tyler: okay. I’ll see if I can also get out of going _

After answering the texts he stared at his closet. He wanted to be sure he covered his scared arms but he also wanted to look good for the other boy. After looking at every pair of pants and shirt he owned he eventually grabbed a pair of light grey skinny jeans and a long sleeve black cotton shirt. The material was cool and soft against his skin. He pulled on a pair of black vans and ran down the stair.

“Tyler, come here.” His dad called him over to the dining room table and gestured for him to take a seat across from him. “You aren’t going to join us at church today. Instead, I want you to stay here and practice to make up for yesterday.” 

“Okay.” Tyler made sure to hide his secret happiness. His father excused him and Tyler went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. He pulled his phone out and texted Josh.

_ Tyler: I got out of it. I’ll be there in ten? _

_ Josh: k _

Tyler frowned at Josh’s response. He thought it sounded a little passive aggressive, and it made him even more nervous to see the other boy. He quickly finished his cereal and then walked across the street to Josh’s house. He knocked on the door and waited anxiously.

“Hey,” Josh opened the door. His hair was still a little messed up from sleeping, he was wearing sweats and a tank top that made his strong arms from drumming look better than usual. Although they clearly they were the same clothes he had slept in, Tyler thought he looked great. “Sorry, I didn’t bother getting dressed.”

“That’s okay.” Josh let Tyler in and they awkwardly stood for a minute.

“So. About yesterday.” Josh was looking down at his feet, and was obviously uncomfortable in the situation. “I, uh, was wondering, if you, uh, still felt, that way?”

“Yes. I do.” All Tyler wanted to do was give Josh a hug. The other boy was clearly overwhelmed and afraid and he wanted to make him feel better. “Do you?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Josh smiled a little bit and his cheeks turned pink.

“Good.” They stood in silence once again. Josh eventually suggested they go up to his room and sit on the bed to be more comfortable. Once they were in the other room, both sat on the edge of the bed with their legs hanging over, Josh spoke.

“So, did you tell anyone else?” He still wasn’t making eye contact with Tyler. The sudden shyness of the other boy had surprised him, Josh usually was the more confident of the two.

“Yeah. I told Jenna. Well, she already knew.” Josh hummed to show he had heard.

“Josh, are you okay?” Tyler shifted so that he was facing the other boy.

“Is this going to ruin our friendship?” Josh looked up and made eye contact with Tyler for the first time in the entire conversation. Tyler resisted the urge to pull him into a hug once again. He paused for a second, trying to decide the best way to answer his question.

“Do you remember, in fifth grade, when we got called to the principal's office because he was concerned that we had unhealthy social lives?” Josh nodded and smiled a little bit. 

“Yeah, he uh, he said that we should try to branch out and meet other students.”

“And do you remember what I said?” Josh shook his head. “I told him: why do I need other friends when I have Josh? We will always have each other, okay? And, if you want, we can try this relationship and take it slow, but if at any point, one of us changes our mind, we go back to being just friends. Okay?”

“Okay.” Josh nodded.

“Jenna asked if I was free this afternoon. We can all hang out if you want?”

“Hmm. Maybe.” Josh paused and then looked at Tyler. “Do you want to tell her about us?”

“I trust her, but if you don’t want to we won’t.” He knew that not only she would be okay with it, but she would probably be their number one fan.

“I trust her too.” Josh shifted so he was facing Tyler and sitting cross legged on the bed. Tyler couldn’t help but just stare at his muscular arms and faded red curls. He reached out and placed his hand on Josh’s knee. The other boy looked up at him for a second before putting his own hand on top of Tyler’s. They let their fingers intertwine.

“Come here.” Tyler murmured gently and pulled Josh towards him. He leaned against the bed’s headboard and let Josh lie on top of him. They shifted until the found a comfortable position for the two of them. Tyler smiled a little at the fact that in all his fantasies of him and Josh, he was being held or comforted by Josh. Although it felt a little weird to him that the roles were reversed, he decided it was a very good kind of weird. He took his free hand and started to gently run his fingers through Josh’s hair. The other boy closed his eyes, clearly enjoying the feeling. It was then that Tyler decided he couldn’t mess this up. If he ever lost Josh it would kill him.

 

After laying comfortably together for a while, Tyler had to hurry back home so that he would be there before his parents got back. He really didn’t want to have to leave Josh but facing angry parents would definitely be worse. When he got home he texted Jenna and Josh in a new group chat and they decided to get lunch together and then maybe go to Tyler’s if his parents weren’t too angry with him. He threw himself into his desk chair and spun in slow circles as he scrolled through his various social media. When his parents got out of church, they called to tell him that they wouldn’t be home until five or so because they had been invited to another family’s house. He let Josh and Jenna know and Jenna offered to swing by to pick the boys up. Josh came over to his place to make things easier for her and the two waited outside on his porch.

“How should we tell her?” Josh was back to his smiley, confident self.

“Ooo. I don’t know.” Tyler ran his fingers through his own hair, a habit her had developed a while ago that he had never quite dropped.

“We could do something serious and boring or something fun and weird.” 

“Fun and weird. Definitely fun and weird.” They were interrupted when Jenna pulled into the driveway. Josh got into the front seat and Tyler sat in the back.

“Arctic Monkeys. Nice.” Josh said as he buckled his seatbelt. Jenna began to pull out and drive towards the restaurant.

“I love their stuff.” Jenna kept her eyes on the road but smiled at Josh’s comment.

“Yeah, me too.” Josh started to drum along to the beat on his thighs with his hands. Tyler could see him bite his lip through the rearview mirror and it made him smile.

“Oh, Jenna, just thought I’d let you know, I told Josh I was gay and he’s gay too and we’re together.” Jenna slammed on the breaks throwing them all forward.

“What?!” She turned to face them, eye darting back and forth between the two. Josh couldn’t stop laughing. Tyler loved his laugh. He decided that his life would be complete if he could make Josh laugh like this all the time. Jenna however, was not so amused. She looked a mix of stunned and happy and it only made the boys laugh harder.

“It’s true.” Josh managed through laughs. “I wasn’t expecting you to go right out and say it Ty, but your right, that was funny and weird.”

“I mean, what did you expect? I’m, like, the funniest person you know.”

“Yeah, remind me of that next time I read some of your lyrics.” Josh snorted.

“Your right, those are pretty depressing.” Tyler laughed in agreement.

“Okay, but wait, you guys are serious?” Jenna was mostly looking at Tyler, she wanted to be sure that he was okay and that this wasn’t some sort of cruel joke.

“One hundred percent.” Josh grinned, looking at Tyler, making him smile wider than he thought he could. Jenna pulled back into traffic and they made their way to the restaurant. The three ordered and laughed and chatted and genuinely had fun. For the next hour, Jenna forgot about her anorexia (well, not completely, but she ate her salad and even had some of Tyler’s burger), Tyler forgot about the constant voice in the back of his head that bullies him, and Josh forgot about the fact that if his parents found out about who he really was they would never speak to him again.

“Josh, Tyler!” The three looked up to see Brendon walking over to their table. The older boy pulled out a chair, sitting next to Jenna at the table. “And your Jenna, right?” He said, turning to face her. She nodded and smiled.

“Hey man what’s up?” Josh asked him.

“Not much, not much. Just grabbing some takeout.” He ran his hand through his perfectly styled hair and flashed a smile of white, perfect teeth. Jenna couldn’t help but notice the way his black shirt and black jeans fit just perfectly so that they weren’t too tight but at the same time complemented his thin body.

“Nice, nice.” Josh nodded and took a sip of his drink.

“What are you guys up to?”

“We just ate lunch and were going to go back to Tyler’s.” Jenna and Tyler nodded, confirming what Josh had said. “You should join! We could show you a song!”

“Yeah, that would be great! Only if that’s okay with you guys though.” He was referring to Tyler and Jenna.

“Yeah that would be fun.” Tyler tried to sound as sincere as possible while his anxiety told him that he wasn’t ready and that he wasn’t good enough to play in front of Brendon.

After paying the bill the four piled into Jenna’s car and made their way back to Tyler’s place. The entire drive, Tyler tuned out Brendon and Josh’s conversation and worked on keeping his breathing even and his thoughts calm. He needed to do this, not for himself, but for Josh.

 

As he sat at the piano, he looked through his sheet music trying to find a song to play. Josh was still distracted by his conversation with Brendon and had left him to make the decision on his own. He didn’t even notice that his hands were shaking until Jenna came up to him, concern painted all over her face.

“Are you okay?” She sat down next to him on the piano bench.

“I-- uh- don’t-- I don’t have a good song.” He stuttered as he looked through the pages of messy chords and lyrics crammed in margins.

“Can I see?” He nodded and handed her the stack of paper, letting her read through the very personal writing. The trust he had in Jenna was unique. He barely knew the girl, but he had a feeling that she would never do him wrong.

“How about this one?” She handed him the paper with  _ Johnny Boy _ messily scribbled at the top.

“That’s perfect, actually. Thank you.” He spoke softly, his chest still fluttering with anxiety.

“Of course. And I’ll be right there. So if you get nervous, remember that. Twenty One Pilots’ biggest fan is in the audience.” He smiled a bit and she left him to go tell Josh he was ready.

“Which song did you pick?” Josh asked as he walked towards the drum kit.

“Johnny Boy?” Tyler intended to say it as a statement but it came out more of a question.

“Good choice.” The pianist took a deep breath and positioned his fingers over the keys. He looked up to see Jenna trying to distract Brendon with quiet small talk, which made him smile a little in gratitude. He made sure his breathing was as stable as he could get and then let his fingers play the familiar chords.

 

_ He stays home from work this time. _

_ He never really told his wife. _

_ He never really told a lie, _

_ But this time he decides that it's alright. _

_ It's alright. _

 

_ No one really knows his mind _

_ And no one knows behind his eyes _

_ The man deserves a medal, _

_ But he's never really won a prize _

_ Before. _

_ He goes to lock the door. _

 

_ He has fallen in love. _

_ He knows it's enough. _

_ But the world looks down and frowns. _

 

Suddenly that verse carried a different meaning. He was in love with Josh, and Josh loved him back, which was all he ever wanted, but the world was not on the same page.

 

_ Get up, Johnny boy, get up, Johnny boy, _

_ Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground. _

_ You're my pride and joy, _

_ You're my pride and joy. _

_ Get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now. _

 

_ We all need you now. _

 

_ Someone said, "Away you go." _

_ And someone said to you, "Goodbye." _

_ They deflect _

_ The disrespect _

_ When they say that they blame it on the times. _

_ They blame it on the time. _

 

_ We all know you're qualified _

_ To fix a chair and love your wife. _

_ They all know you're qualified _

_ But they lie when they blame it on the times. _

_ Oh, we blame it on the times. _

 

_ He has fallen in love. _

_ He knows it's enough. _

_ But the world looks down and frowns. _

 

_ Get up, Johnny boy, get up, Johnny boy, _

_ Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground. _

_ You're my pride and joy, _

_ You're my pride and joy. _

_ Get up, Johnny boy, because we all need you now. _

 

_ We all need you now. _

 

As he finished the last note he looks up to see Jenna and Brendon grinning and clapping. He feels Josh’s arms wrap around his shoulders and hears him whisper into his ear.

“You were amazing.” Tyler lets himself smile. He lets himself be proud. He lets himself enjoy this moment, the further reminder of what he wants to do with life.

  
  



	10. dancing's not a crime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ahh I'm sorry for not uploading this week my schedule was wack because I have two horse shows this weekend and Mock Trial is starting up and I'm taking a lot of hard classes and I have no time for this but yeah here's a long chapter as an apology.

The next week went by pretty quickly for Jenna. All her classes were fairly challenging and she found herself spending all her afternoons at home studying. Tyler was extremely busy basketball practice and Josh was spending a lot of time with Brendon before he had to leave for LA. Before she knew it, it was Saturday morning. That weekend was homecoming, and the three decided that they should go, simply because they were seniors and it would be their last opportunity to go to their High School Homecoming. Tyler and Josh were going “together” (meaning the entire school new they were best friends and wouldn’t look twice if they did something that would typically be considered gay) and insisted on finding someone for Jenna to go with. They decided that it was only natural she go with Brendon. The two got along pretty well and he was literally their only other friend so it made sense, but Jenna wasn’t sure how she felt about going to the dance with a stranger. They had exchanged phone numbers and she smiled a little bit when her phone vibrated against her wooden bedside table.

_ Brendon: hey want to go to homecoming with me? _

_ Brendon: I thought I should ask you directly that way we can pretend that it wasn’t Josh and Tyler who set us up lmao. _

_ Jenna: I’d love to _

_ Brendon: hell yeah _

_ Brendon: what color is your dress? _

_ Brendon: so I can match my tie _

_ Jenna: black _

_ Jenna: not very exciting, I know _

_ Brendon: are you kidding? black is my favorite color _

_ Brendon: I’ll pick you up at 6:30 and we can drive together to Tyler’s, if you want _

_ Jenna: sure, that sounds nice _

_ Brendon: cool, see you later _

_ Brendon: looking forward to it _

She smiled at the conversation. Brendon was definitely out of her league, but she thought it was sweet how he was putting effort in making it a nice night. They would meet Tyler and Josh and let their parents take some pictures and then out for dinner as a group before eventually going to the dance. She was genuinely excited about it.

She rolled out of bed and didn’t bother changing out of her flannel pajama pants and oversized grey hoodie. She walked down the stairs and lazily took a seat on the barstool. She was hungry, but her appetite was low. After careful consideration, she started boiling some water to make tea and took out a container of her mom’s homemade granola, setting the goal of eating half of the small container. She found that setting goals like that helped. Her phone vibrated again.

_ Tyler: HELP _

_ Tyler: WHAT DO I WEAR _

_ Tyler: JENNA _

_ Jenna: dude chill _

_ Jenna: what’s Josh wearing? _

_ Tyler: black pants and a white shirt, and a black bowie _

_ Jenna: hm _

_ Tyler: I knowww _

_ Jenna: look, why don’t I come over and help you find something _

_ Tyler: yes please _

_ Jenna: i’ll be there in half an hour? _

_ Tyler: perfect _

She set down her cell phone and went back to breakfast. She scrolled through her various social media, smiling sadly when she saw posts of people she knew from her old school. She hesitated to call them friends because most of them didn’t seem to really care that she had left. She had stopped posting on social media about two years ago, when everything got really bad, but she still looked through the posts, and seeing people who had dared to call her brother their friend posting pictures of them smiling made her heart hurt. How did they all move on so easily?

 

When she got to Tyler’s house, he let her in and quickly ushered her up to the room. She argued that he should introduce her to his parents and his siblings but Tyler said that the situation was far too important for that. When she walked into the room, it was a disaster. Every pair of pants and every shirt that Tyler owned were strewn around the room. She tried not to laugh because Tyler seemed genuinely stressed, but she failed, making him frown.

“It’s not funny!” Tyler paced around the room anxiously.

“I know, I’m sorry.” See apologized, yet Jenna couldn’t stop smiling. She looked at the options, trying to choose something that worked nicely but also went with what Josh was wearing. “How about this? The black pants and the white shirt. It’s classic, no tie so that you don’t look too similar to Josh, and maybe you can use socks for a fun aspect. Go try it on.”

“Yeah, yeah. Okay.” Tyler nodded, grabbing the clothes and heading to the bathroom. While he was gone, Jenna looked around the room. There wasn’t much personal stuff on the walls because Tyler shared the room with his brother. Each boy had their own desk, Zach’s was neat and empty, but Tyler’s was cluttered with papers. Pages and pages of what she assumed were song lyrics and chords. She didn’t look at them closely, knowing that Tyler would share them with her when he was ready. When he walked back into the room, her smile grew.

“You look so handsome!” The shirt fit him as though it was custom made for his body. It highlighted his lean physique without making him look too skinny. The arms weren’t too loose, which was always an issue with long sleeved dress shirts. The black pants highlighted how long his legs were and contrasted nicely with the shirt.

“Thank you.” Tyler mumbled, smiling at his feet, which were covered by bright red socks. Jenna approved the decision.

“Anytime.” Jenna watched as Tyler carefully hing up all the clothes and put them back into the closet. He organized them all by type and color, and even seemed to be making sure that each article of clothing was equally distanced from the next. When he finished he sat  on the bed and she joined him.

“What are you going to wear?” He peered up at her from where he was sitting.

“I have a black dress. Honestly, it’s the only dress I own.” She laughed a bit, trying to keep Tyler, and herself, honestly, from getting to anxious.

“Nice.” He gave a half smile and then got up, grabbing a pair of jeans and a mustard colored sweatshirt from his closet. “I’m gonna get changed, but you can stay for lunch, if you want?”

“Yeah sure, I’ll wait for you here.” He flashed her another quick smile before heading off to the bathroom once again. She opened her phone to see a notification: new snapchat from Brendon Urie. It was a picture of him standing in front of the mirror, wearing black pants, a black shirt, and a black tie. The combination was unusual but strangely he pulled it off. The picture was captioned  _ What do you think? _ . She took a blank picture and captioned it  _ looking good  _ and sent it back to him.

“What are you smiling about?” Tyler walked back into the room and plopped onto the bed next to her, quickly stealing her phone out of her hands.

“Hey, give it back,” 

“Oooo, snapchat from Brendon Urie,” He paused for a moment to open the picture and look at it, before the time ran out he passed the phone back to Jenna. It was a picture of him, again, but this time wearing jeans and a black hoodie. It was captioned  _ I would just wear this is I could _ . Tyler spoke again. “He’s a good looking dude.”

“Uh, yeah.” Jenna laughed a little. She had been trying to ignore that she had slowly been taking a liking to him. He was attractive and seemed genuinely kind, but she wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship right now. And she decided that he was way out of her league.

“Jennaaaaa.”

“Tylerrrr?” She replicated the sing-song tone he used

“Do you have a crush on Breeendooon?” Jenna playfully glared at him and pushed him on the shoulder, but couldn’t hide the blush and smile that crept onto her face. He laughed and she whispered  _ shut up _ and then they were interrupted by his mom calling them down for lunch.

“Mom, this is my friend, Jenna, can she join us for lunch?” Tyler awkwardly introduce her.

“Hi Mrs. Joseph, it’s nice to meet you.” Jenna smile politely.

“Well of course! Nice to meet you too.” Jenna and Tyler helped bring the plates of food to the dining room table. Tyler’s siblings were already sitting at the table and were staring at Jenna as she walked around the table, setting down the platter she was carrying. They sat down and enjoyed a relatively normal but kind of awkward lunch. Jenna tried to eat a reasonable amount. It was hard but everyday it was getting a little easier. She spent most of the time observing the family’s behavior. She noticed little things like how Tyler was reserved around his family or how he made sure his arms were always completely covered by his hoodie. When the meal was over, she and Tyler offered to help with the dishes but Tyler’s mom simply thanked them for offering and excused them. When they got back up to his room, Tyler collapsed onto his bed and he gestured for Jenna to join him. She carefully positioned herself next to him. They started talking about nothing and everything. She asked Tyler how he had gotten into music, she talked a little bit about her old school. Eventually, she opened up about her mental health, and as she expected, he was incredibly understanding. It felt nice to have him know. Although they’d only known each other under two weeks, she felt as though she could trust him with the world, and she hoped he felt the same.

At four she decided it was time for her to go home and get ready for the dance. She got home and took a long shower, putting conditioner in her hair three times before she was satisfied with the texture. As she scrubbed every inch of her body, her attention was brought to the scars on her thighs. They were relatively hidden, only covering the top half of her upper leg, but she still worried that someone would notice them. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off with a white fluffy towel. She wrapped herself in her bathrobe and hit shuffle on her playlist to fill the silence. She grabbed her flat iron and began straightening her smooth, blonde hair. When she finished about an hour later, she made her way back to her bedroom and sat on her bed, careful not to mess up her hair. It was now 5:30, leaving an hour until she had to be completely ready. She looked at her dress on the hanger and smiled a bit. If someone told her when she first moved into the new neighborhood that she would be going to homecoming she would have thought they were joking. She wasn’t crazy about school dances, but it was the idea of going- and having friends to go with- that mattered.

Time flew by quickly as she scrolled through instagram and it was eventually time for her to get ready. She slipped into her black dress that complimented her slim, tall body, and paired it with black flats. She went to put on her locket and matching gold earrings. The locket held a photo of her and her brother, and she wore it everywhere, so that her brother’s spirit could be with her always. She literally jumped when she heard the doorbell ring and quickly ran a hand through her hair before running down the stairs. When she got to the door she opened it to see Brendon, who she noticed look a whole lot better in that outfit in person than he did in the photo, with a big white smile on his face. Just as quickly as she had opened the door, she stepped out and closed it, not wanting to deal with her parents right now.

“Hey, you in a rush or something?” Brendon laughed as they walked towards his car.

“Hi, and uh, no, I just didn’t want my parents to bombard you with questions.” Jenna was struggling to make eye contact, already anxious about going to a dance with a guy she really liked but barely knew.

“Oh I see, I appreciate that, thank you. But I wouldn’t have minded- I should hope you parents would be overprotective- especially of a girl as nice and pretty as you.” The comment made Jenna blush a deep shade of red, and she was suddenly incredibly thankful that it was dark out. They got into the car, a perfect excuse to not reply to Brendon, and he started to drive. 

“So, when do you leave for LA?” Jenna figured this was her opportunity to direct the subject of the conversation away from her and onto him.

“In three weeks.” He paused to check his mirrors as he changed lanes. “In the meantime there’s still a lot to do. I have to get my band together and make sure they have a drum kit and stuff for us to use over there. Luckily I do vocals and occasionally base so not much for me to travel with but I feel bad for our drummer, having to borrow equipment.”

“Yeah that makes sense. What’s your band called?” 

“Panic! At the Disco. There’s an exclamation point after panic.” Brendon grinned as he pulled a right turn at the stop sign.

“That’s a cool name.”

“Thank you.” They sat in comfortable silence listening to the radio for the rest of the drive to Tyler’s house. When they got there, they parked and then went up to the doorstep to ring the doorbell, where they were greeted by a very nervous looking Tyler.

“Is Josh here yet?” Brendon asked, peeking around the house.

“No, he’ll be here in a minute though.” He guided them through the house to the living room, where Tyler stood nervously.

“Hey, relax, you look great.” Jenna tried to soothe him but Tyler just smiled a little before going back to fidgeting with his hands anxiously. Brendon was wandering around the room looking at the various framed photographs and other trinkets on the shelves. Jenna had notice before that he was a very high-energy person. She liked that about him. They heard knocking on the door and Tyler practically ran to the door.

“Hey, Josh.” Tyler immediately relaxed when he saw him, all dressed up, with the same genuine, happy, smile he always seemed to have plastered on his face. It took everything Tyler had not to just kiss him right then and there. “You look good.”

“You look good too.” Tyler felt his face getting red so he quickly ushered the other boy in and then closed the door then.

“MOM?!” Tyler yelled up the stairs. “PICTURES!”

“Coming sweety!” Tyler’s mom appeared at the top of the stairs, holding a fancy looking camera that she probably didn’t know how to properly use. “You don’t need to yell.” Tyler just hummed and then gathered everyone together. Josh stood on the outside, Tyler to his left. Jenna stood in between Tyler and Brendon who was on the other end. They took a couple normal smiley pictures and then one funny one. They made Tyler’s mom take a few on his cell phone for good measure, in case she couldn’t figure out how to upload the other ones. After saying their goodbyes, the four piled into Brendon’s car and made their way to Taco Bell for a pre-dance dinner.

“I can’t believe you’ve never had Taco Bell!” Tyler was astounded, and Jenna just laughed.

“It’s not my fault fast food wasn’t popular in California! All the cool kids ate quinoa or kale salads. The only acceptable fast food restaurant was In-N-Out and that barely counts because everything there was fresh.”

“Ewe. Must have sucked.” Tyler shook his head, with a fake look of complete and utter disgust on his face. It just made Jenna laugh even harder.

“At least you get the honor to lead me through this spiritually awakening journey.” Jenna teased.

When they got to the restaurant Tyler, and Jenna went to the booth while Josh and Brendon went to the counter to order the food and pay.

“You good?” Jenna asked Tyler when they sat down, she really just wanted to make sure he was keeping calm and not getting in his head.

“I’m good.” He smiled genuinely. “Are you?”

“Yeah, I think I am.” She smiled because she really did feel... good. 

A few minutes later Brendon and Josh arrived with two trays filled with food.

“We got a little bit of everything and we can all just share.” Josh set down the food.

“Can I take a selfie, for Instagram?” Jenna pulled out her phone and opened the app. They all chimed in their agreements so she went to the camera for the story option and changed it to face them. She stretched her arm out so they would all fit and snapped a photo. Brendon’s grin was bigger than life, Tyler was smiling with a closed mouth and looked almost shy, and Josh just had his usual big cheery smile. She posted the picture with the caption  _ I scored the coolest dates for hoco _ and tagged all of their instagrams. They dug into the food and fell into easy conversation.

 

When they got to the gym, they all went to the center of the the gym. The song was a loud hip hop song that Jenna loved, although she’d never admit it. They all moved to the music, laughing and smiling and Brendon’s terrible dance moves. They did that for a while, just moving to the beat and enjoying the loudness and each other. Then, a slow song came on. That’s when Tyler and Jenna were put into potentially uncomfortable positions.

For Tyler, it was difficult because no one knew he was gay, no one knew Josh was his boyfriend, and they would definitely not be okay with it if they found out. On the other hand, he and Josh had done questionable things together in the past, and people never thought they were together or even gay because of it. He could tell Josh was also conflicted by the way he was eyeing Tyler. In the end, he decided that it was his senior year and his last high school homecoming, and he would like to spend it dancing with his boyfriend. He smiled sheepishly and took Josh’s hand.

“Would you dance with me, Joshie?”

“Maybe, but only if you stop calling me Joshie.” Tyler chuckled before nervously putting his hands on Josh’s shoulders (which he would like to point out were way too muscular to be legal). Josh put his hands on Tyler’s side, which made his heart skip a beat. Tyler tried to regain control of his breathing, which was easy when he found Josh’s deep, brown eyes.  _ God, I love this boy. _

Jenna was also nervous when the slow song came on. She liked Brendon, a lot, but had never been good with the whole physical contact thing. She wasn’t sure if it was from losing her brother, her various mental health issues, or if it was something deeper from her childhood, but she had always been uncomfortable when people touched her, whether it was a stranger or a loved one. Her breathing quickened when Brendon came up to her, and, to her surprise, he also looked a little bit nervous.

“Do you want to dance?” He smile, but it wasn’t his usual big grin, but rather, a shy smile.

“Sure.” She didn’t even think before answering, and her answer surprised herself.  _ Did I really just say yes? To dancing?!  _ She felt as though her heart was going to pound out of her chest as the tall boy rested his hands softly on her waist. She let her hands move up and lie on his shoulders, close to his neck. They swayed to the soft song, Jenna one hundred percent aware of his war hands on her body the entire time. That’s when she knew she was in trouble. She  _ really _ like this boy. A lot. And she wasn’t sure if he liked her back. And even if he did, in three weeks he would be leaving. And even if he was staying, she wasn’t sure if she was ready for a relationship. Before she could really overthink it she pushed all of those thoughts out of her mind and just enjoyed the moment. The closeness of his chest to hers. His big warm hands on her waist. Her own on his neck. The movement of their bodies as one.


	11. save your razor blades now, not yet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow a sad chapter because I've had a bad week and writing is how I cope so I'm sorry but enjoy  
> TRIGGER WARNING- mentions of self harm and mild self harm but it's just kind of sad.

The next morning Tyler woke up as the sun filtered through his blinds and into his room. He tossed and turned a couple times before eventually realizing he wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. He noticed that Zack had already gotten out of bed so he grabbed his phone from the side table where he saw a few notifications from Instagram. One of them was from a picture Jenna posted. It was the picture of the four of them they had taken in his house and one of just her and Brendon, a selfie they had taken at the dance. The caption read  _ senior year homecoming was actually fun with these cuties.  _ It made him smile despite his exhaustion and he left a comment before turning off his phone. He got out of his bed and pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants over his boxers but didn’t bother changing out of his black hoodie he had slept in.

He groggily walked downstairs wandered around the house. It seemed empty, so he checked the time, realizing his family had probably gone off to church without him. He was thankful that he didn’t have to go. It was a special service for Thanksgiving, which meant they would be there at least four hours (which he didn’t understand, it wasn’t even a religious holiday). He felt his mood was really low, which he didn’t understand because he had had fun last night. He got to spend the evening with hi bestfriends and even got to dance with his boyfriend, so why did he feel so disgusting and tired? Why did everything feel so glum? He decided that taking a shower might help, so he made his way back upstairs and grabbed a towel from his room.

He turned on the shower and got undressed while the water heated up, slowly steaming up the mirrors. The mirrors. He turned his attention to his reflection, looking himself up and down.  _ My legs are too skinny. My belly is too chubby. My arms are too scared. Scared. _ He hated those scars. He hated that he couldn’t wear short sleeves anymore and that he was so ugly because of them. He paused in his thoughts, running his fingers along the old wounds, tracing the shapes they left on his skin. That’s when he knew he was in danger. Whenever he tried to fight his mind he lost. His mind was just that much stronger. He knew what he should do. He should pick up the phone and called Josh. But he was in church, he knew that because he had mentioned it yesterday at the dance. He fought back tears. Trying to convince himself not to open the third drawer. He felt himself slowly start shaking as he reached for the phone and called the only other person he could think of calling in a situation like this: Jenna.

“Jenna. I’m not safe. Please help.” His voice was shaky as he struggled. Thankfully Jenna was an actual saint, and kept him on the phone the entire time it took her to get dressed, grab her car keys, and start driving. She kept talking to him, well, saying supportive things while just broke down in tears on the other end, while she drove to the house.

“Where are you Tyler, I’m here now, I’m outside.” Jenna gently told him through the phone as she got out of the car and locked the door.

“It’s open. Bathroom.” Was all Tyler managed through his sobs. Jenna opened the door and tried to keep her cool as she walked into the relatively unfamiliar house, making her way up the stairs and into the bathroom, where she found Tyler, pressed up against the back wall. He was sitting on the ground across from a small pile of razor blades and a small first aid kit. The boy, who was naked except for his boxers, barely looked up at her as she walked in.

“Oh, Tyler.” He was a terrible sight. Eye tear stained and a look of total fear in his eyes. “I’m so happy you called me. Thank you for calling me.” The truth was, she had no idea what kind of scene to expect when Tyler called. They hadn’t known each other that long and he barely spoke while they were on the phone, he only cried and told her he wasn’t safe. She knew what that meant, as she struggled with it herself. She carefully picked up the razorblades and wrapped them in some tissue before flushing them down the toilet. It was the best solution she could come up with in the moment. Now that the immediate threat was taken care of, she carefully scanned the rest of the room, checking for anything that was potentially dangerous. Then she turned her attention back to the shaking boy on the ground. She slowly sat down on the ground in front of him but with a good distance between them If he was anything like her, he wouldn’t want to be touched right now, but she definitely had to do something to take him out of this episode.

“Tyler?” His eyes briefly turned up to look at her but just as quickly they went back to staring at the ground. “Can you show me your arms please?” She hadn’t seen any blood or evidence of cutting but she wanted to be sure, just in case. Tyler didn’t answer her and kept his arms securely wrapped around his knees, hugging them close to his chest. He was intently focusing on the ground in front of him, his breathing rapid and uneven.

“Okay how about this. What are five things you can see?” The coping mechanism was designed for anxiety or panic attacks, not depressive suicidal episodes, but it couldn’t hurt and she was running out of ideas. She was also getting progressively more anxious herself, and didn’t want to make the situation worse for the both of them. Tyler clearly looked like he was thinking really hard so she gave him time to answer.

“Floor. Towel. Clothes. Toilet. Jenna.” His eyes didn’t move from their fixed position on the ground and his breathing didn’t slow much but he spoke, and that was enough to make Jenna relax, at least a little bit.

“Four things you can touch?”

“Floor. Underwear. Wall. Myself.” His breathing slowed a little bit, but shuddered with every breath he took, and it broke her heart a little bit.

“Three things you can hear?”

“You. Water dripping. My breathing.” She noticed his body relax ever so slightly.

“Two things you can smell?”

“Shampoo. I- uh- I- can’t-- smell- anything-- else.” He stuttered through his uneven breathing.

“That’s okay. Now one deep breath.” He closed his eyes and sucked in as much air as he could handle and then exhaled softly, his eyes opening again. She let him sit for a minute, as he slowly seemed to take back control. After a minute, she spoke again. “Can I see your arms now? I just want to know if I need to clean them.”

“No touching.” Jenna nodded and Tyler slowly stretched out his arms. There were no new cuts, but there were marks from his finger nails where he had scratched at older wounds.

“I’m just going to wrap your arms up just in case, okay?” Jenna slowly reached for the first aid kit on the ground next to her.

“No touching.” Tyler looked up at her nervously before shifting his eyes down again.

“No touching.” Jenna repeated as she slowly moved closer to him, causing him to push up even further against the wall and breath a little quicker. She tried her best to ignore how fragile and terrified he looked and focused on the task at hand. She rolled out some soft bandage and had the tape ready to secure it. “Okay, can you stretch out one of your arms for me?” He slowly and shakely stretched out his right arm towards her. She carefully started wrapping the bandage as tightly as she could around the scarred skin, careful not to touch him in the process, and then secured both ends with medicinal tape. Not what she would use for this but it would work for now. She repeated the process on his left arm and then thought about what to do next. She need to remove him from the environment and get him warmed up. She noticed the pajama pants and hoodie on the ground near them and figured the first step would be to get him dressed.

“Hey, Ty, do you want to some clothes on?” After careful consideration he nodded slowly and nervously reached for the big black hoodie. As he pulled it over his head She noticed for the first time just how skinny he was. His ribs were painfully visible and it made her upset to see him look so fragile and weak. He then slowly stood up, shaking, in order to pull on the pajama pants over his equally skinny, pale, legs.

“Let’s go to your room.” He nodded and followed her out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. 

Once in the bedroom, Tyler sat curled up against the wall in his bed, knees drawn up against his chest. Jenna sat on his desk chair, at a loss of what to do. She knew she just needed to give him time, but it was so hard to watch someone you loved suffer. That gave her an idea. She pulled out her cell phone and found Josh’s number. He was in church, but maybe he could ditch and come anyway.

_ Jenna: hey Josh. Sorry to bother you but I’m with Ty and he’s not great. I have it other control and he’s safe but… it might help to have you here. _

_ Josh: I’m on my way _

 

When Josh read the text from Jenna he panicked. Even though they were in the middle of a sermon, he immediately excused himself. His parents and other church attendees glared at him as he slid out of the pews and quietly exited the church. As soon as the door shut behind him he started to run down the street towards Tyler’s house. When he got there after what felt to him like ages, he didn’t bother knocking and burst in, running up the stairs. He walked into the bedroom to see Tyler, nervously crouched on the bed. And Jenna watching him from the desk chair.

“Thank you for coming.” Jenna stood up and walked over to Josh and pulled him into a quick but gentle hug. He hugged back with one arm but all his attention was on Tyler. Jenna went back to her chair and Josh slowly approached his boyfriend.

“Hey Ty. Can I sit here?” Josh gestured to the spot on the bed next to Tyler.

“No touching.” Tyler’s eyes shifted nervously from his feet to Josh’s eyes and then back again.

“No touching.” Josh confirmed as crawled slowly up onto the bed. Tyler slowly started to cry a little. Softly, at first, but then it turned into pained sobs. He started to pull at his short brown hair aggressively. Josh gently took Tyler’s hands, which he resisted at first, as though Josh’s touch burned him, but eventually he gave in. At that point Josh gently pulled the smaller boy into a hug and rubbed his back, whispering soft comforting words into his ear. Eventually the boy’s breathing began to normalize as he fell asleep in Josh’s arms. Josh didn’t stop rubbing his back and soothing him, worried that he would just as easily come out of his sleep.

“Did he cut himself?” Josh asked Jenna, who was still sitting watching.

“No, just scratched himself a bit so I bandaged him up. Mostly to prevent anything.” Jenna explained, her voice weak after a long morning.

“Good call.” Josh gently kissed the top of Tyler’s head. “Thank you. So much.”

“Of course. He, uh, he actually called me. I’m really proud of him.”

“He did? That’s amazing.” 

“Yeah. He did well.” Josh hummed in agreement and then adjusted their position so that he and Tyler were both lying down more comfortably on the bed.

“How did it go with Brendon last night?” Josh and Jenna never really spent much one on one time together so Josh figure now was better than never.

“It was fun. He’s a nice guy.”

“Yeah, he’s a good person. Fun, too.” Josh chuckled softly.

“Yeah, I like him a lot.” Jenna admitted, her cheeks turning a little red.

“You know, he likes you too. He told me so.” Josh looked up at her, offering a small grin.

“As friends.” Jenna mumbled.

“No, he told me he really liked you. Thought you were fun, nice, and pretty. Most guys don’t call their friend pretty.” Now that made Jenna turn a little red.

“Maybe.” Jenna shifted so that her knees were up against her chest.

“What’s stopping you?” Josh hadn’t stopped rubbing Tyler gently with his hands, and honestly, having his hands on his boyfriend made him so happy, even in these sad circumstances.

“I don’t know.” She paused for a moment. “He’s leaving in a few weeks, and I don’t know if I’m in a good place for a relationship right now.”

“I get that.” Josh nodded. “But I also know that Tyler and I both aren’t in a good place for a relationship right now but we love each other. And honestly? I have never been happier than I have been now that I’m with him. Of course, you know yourself better than anyone, but if you really like him than don’t let him slip away.” Jenna nodded, thinking about his advice. Maybe she’ll do it, and take the risk. Maybe, for once, she would be brave. 

  
  



	12. I bare my skin and count my sins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title is from an Imagine Dragons song and has nothing to do with the chapter but I love the song so we're going with it. Trigger warning for mentions and descriptions of self harm.

Maybe half an hour later, Josh felt Tyler stirring in his arms. He gently rubbed his arms as he saw the other boy’s eyes flicker open. Josh gently shushed him as Tyler started to try to wriggle free, seemingly alarmed.

“Shhh, Tyler. It’s just me, Josh.” He whispered softly into the other boy’s fluffy hair, still holding him securely but gently against his chest. Josh felt his heart flutter a little as Tyler moved against his body, even though Tyler was trying to break free from his grip. He really loved him. “Your okay. Your okay.”

“What happened…” Tyler asked but it came out more as a statement, his voice was tired and hoarse after crying and then falling asleep. Josh let Tyler shift around so that the two were facing each other, Josh’s hands resting softly on Tyler’s arms to keep him there rather than securing him in a tight embrace.

“You had a bit of an episode. Jenna helped calm you down and then I came over. You fell asleep.” Josh smiled softly, but Tyler didn’t. He didn’t look upset, just sort of… emotionless.

“Did I hurt anyone… did I hurt myself…” Tyler looked down, avoiding Josh’s eyes, and tugged softly at his sleeves.

“No,” Josh smiled proudly and Tyler’s eye flickered back up to his face. “You did really well. A little bit of scratching at your old wounds but you called Jenna and kept yourself safe. You did so well. I’m so proud of you Ty.” 

“Hmm.” Tyler hummed in response. Josh couldn’t stop staring at Tyler. Although he had seen that face almost everyday his whole life, he was still obsessed with it. He loved his expressive eyebrows and brown eyes and pinkish lips. He would stare at Tyler’s face all day if he could. “Did Jenna leave?”

“No, she just went to the bathroom. She’ll be back any minute.” Josh lovingly rubbed Tyler’s arm. “Are you hungry? I can make you some lunch.”

“No… thank you.” Tyler went back to tugging at the end of his sleeves nervously. Josh looked up past Tyler to see Jenna, standing in the doorway. She pointed down the stairs, seemingly asking if she should give them space. He mouthed  _ one second _ .

“Hey Ty, why don’t we go join Jenna downstair? I’ll cook something up and you can eat some if you want to?” Josh knew he had to get food into Tyler and get him moving if he was going to be able to get through this episode. They had been friends for so long that he had a general idea of how to help him when he was going through this kind of thing. Tyler nodded even though it seemed that he didn’t really want to and slowly the two boys got out of bed. Jenna had already disappeared down the stairs so they left to join her. When they got downstairs they went to the living room where Jenna was sitting on the couch, watching the Great British Baking show on low volume. Tyler anxiously sat in one of the armchairs and stared at the TV. Josh planted a kiss on the top of his head and then made his way to the kitchen to make some lunch. The other two sat in silence, watching the show. After a few minutes, Tyler spoke with a voice so soft Jenna wondered if she would have missed it.

“What season is this?”

“Season four, I think.” Jenna smiled at him but Tyler kept his eyes on the screen in front of them.

“Hm.” Tyler often wished he could be different. That he could be normal. That he could be happy and that he never felt the desire to hurt himself. It would make his life so much easier if he didn’t have to worry about someone seeing the scars on his arms, or worry about creating the scars in the first place. He sometimes wished he wasn’t gay, not because he thought there was anything wrong with it, but because everyone else, namely his parents, thought it was a sin. 

“I’m sorry, for today. It must have been hard for you.” Tyler looked at Jenna but then shifted his eyes to his feet and started playing with the hem of his pants.

“You don’t need to apologize. You did nothing wrong, in fact, you did great. You kept yourself safe. That’s all that matters.” He met Jenna’s eyes again. She looked genuine, sincere. 

“Everyone keeps saying that.”

“Saying what?” 

“That I did well.”

“That’s because you did, Tyler.”

“I wanted to kill myself, that’s hardly doing well.” That’s when Josh appeared back in the room, setting a glass of water on the coffee table in front of them

“A year ago, maybe you would have. But today you were able to stop yourself. That’s a victory in my eyes, sweetheart.” Tyler didn’t know what to say so he just hummed to show he had heard. Josh crouched in front of Tyler and looked up at him with so much adoration that Tyler couldn’t understand. He truly felt he didn’t deserve this boy. He didn’t deserve his soft brown curls with faded red from when it had been dyed. He didn’t deserve his golden brown eyes and perfect pale skin. But most importantly, he didn’t deserve his love. He didn’t deserve the way he tried to protect him from his inner demons even when they made Tyler physically or verbally lash out. He didn’t deserve his patience, his strength. He didn’t deserve him. 

“Are you hungry? I brought you some water.” Tyler tentatively took the glass and drank a little bit. The liquid in his mouth and down his throat made him realize how hungry he was. Tyler nodded a little bit and Josh disappeared back into the kitchen. He came back out moments later balancing three plates, each with a grilled cheese sandwich. He handed one of them to Tyler, than one to Jenna before sitting down on the couch next to her. Tyler nibbled a bit of the sandwich. He was hungry but couldn’t find it in him to eat. He felt numb, heavy. He tried to take a bigger bite, but chewing the food made him feel sick. He forced himself to swallow and then set the plate down on the coffee table. He felt like throwing up but tried to control the nausea. 

“I’m sorry.” He glanced up at Josh, who was already done with one half of his sandwich.

“It’s okay, Ty.” He gave him a smile but Tyler still felt nothing. He wanted to feel something. He craved the edge of the razorblade pushing against his skin and cutting it as though it were butter, allowing the metallic red blood that flowed through his veins to pour out. He wanted to feel. At the same time, he wanted to feel nothing. He wanted to end it all so he would never have to be sad, scared, or hurt again. He wanted all of it to be over. He wanted his life to be over.

“I want to die.” He whispered quietly. Tears formed once more and slowly trickled down his face.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Josh slowly got up and made his way to the arm chair that Tyler was sat in. The big piece of furniture made the already small boy look even smaller. Josh sat next to him and then pulled Tyler up on top of him and held him close, running his fingers through his hair and rubbing his body softly and lovingly. Tyler tried so hard not to cry as he spoke.

“I just want to feel nothing anymore. I want to feel  _ something _ or  _ nothing. _ ” Josh didn’t really understand what Tyler was saying but didn't push. He would let him speak on his own. “I want it all to be over. And it won’t get better. But I need it to end.”

It was torture for Josh, to see the person he loved most in the world struggle so much. It killed him. He just wanted to be able to make it all better for him but he couldn’t. No one could. His parents thought it was some sort of phase and refused to send him to a doctor or even just to therapy. Josh tried his best to be there for him but in the end he couldn’t always be there. Tyler was on his own. No matter how much he tried to protect him, Tyler was on his own.

 

Josh was able to calm Tyler down enough for them to go up to his room where the two boys curled up in his bed and went to sleep (well, Tyler slept. Josh was just there to keep an eye on him). Jenna decided to leave them to it and go back home, she had a lot of school work to do anyway. As she sat at her desk, spinning in slow circles on her desk chair as she tried, and failed, to concentrate on her math homework, she heard her phone buzz.

_ Brendon: hey _

_ Brendon: do you want to go out? _

Jenna felt her heart rate increase a little bit as she read the texts. She wondered if he meant go out as in hang out as two friends or if he meant it as in go out on a date. Technically she had a lot of work she needed to do but she also knew there was no way she was going to get it done.

_ Jenna: yeah, what do you have in mind? _

_ Brendon: it’s a surprise. _

_ Brendon: i’ll pick you up in ten _

Jenna quickly got up and switched her sweatpants and hoodie for a pair of army green pants and a black shirt. After passing a comb through her hair and brushing her teeth she grabbed her coat and put on some sneakers. As she waited outside for Brendon, excitement and nervousness built up inside of her. It was already dark and the headlights of his car momentarily blinded her as he pulled into the driveway. She walked around the old chevy and then got into the passenger seat.

“So, what’s the surprise?” He laughed and then shot her a big grin.

“Wouldn’t be much of a surprise if I told you now, would it?” He put the car in reverse and started to drive. Jenna smiled as he hummed along to the Red Hot Chili Peppers song that was playing on the radio. The drive lasted about fifteen minutes and then he pulled into a deserted parking lot on the side of the highway.

“I’m taking you to my personal favorite spot in Ohio. Figured I’d show you the best of the city, you know?” He got out before she could answer and she followed him closely. They walked to a trail head.

“Don’t worry, it’s not much of a walk.” Brendon started down the trail through the woods and Jenna felt oddly unafraid walking with him. They walked down the dirt path for roughly five minutes before he turned through the trees, off trail, and then they came up to a small lake. All around the lake were more trees. The only light was the big, white moon that hung low in the sky. The dark water held it’s reflection. It was beautiful.

“Wow.” Jenna walked closer to the edge of the water, admiring its beauty.

“Pretty, right?” Brendon walked up next to her. His big cheesy grin was replaced with a soft smile. She turned to look at him. “I really like you Jenna. And uh, if you feel the same, I’d like to get to know you better.”

“I really like you too, Brendon.” She smiled up at him, and he smile back. Then, he gently reached and grabbed her hand. She then noticed his face getting closer and closer to hers and she felt her heart start to flutter. Brendon took his free hand and gently placed it on her cheek, cupping her face. As he got closer he closed his eyes and so did she and then slowly, and softly, as though afraid they would be caught, their lips met. It was a soft kiss that sent electricity through her veins. He let of her hand and moved it to her waist holding her close. She moved her own hands to his hips, steadying herself. He pulled away just as slowly as he came in and smiled at her softly. She noticed how his long eyelashes fluttered and how his cheeks had gotten a little red, visible even in the dark. Jenna decided that kissing Brendon, or being near him in general, was something she wanted to do more of in the future.

  
  



	13. stay alive for me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short filler chapter but its important for the story line.

As Jenna sat down in first period Psychology the next morning she immediately wished she had actually spent time studying over the weekend. They had a free response test on various states of consciousness and how they can be altered. Their teacher was extremely generous and even told them what each of the questions would be on but she couldn’t be bothered to study. She had barely gotten a free moment that weekend after a homecoming on Saturday, helping Tyler in the morning on Sunday, and then her outing with Brendon. She was utterly exhausted and didn’t feel totally comfortable with the material, so she was hoping that luck was on her side.

“Hey, Jenna,” She heard the voice of her classmate Rachel behind her and turned around to face her. “Who was that guy you went to homecoming with?”

“Uh, that was Brendon. He graduated last year.” Jenna smiled politely.

“Oh, that’s why he looked familiar.” Luckily that’s where the conversation ended because the bell rang, signaling the start of the test.

“This test is pretty easy, I took it and got one hundred percent and so should you.” Her teacher smiled at them and a few people laughed. 

“Well, of course you did, you designed the answer key!” One kid yelled from the back.

“Do you want it on your desk?” The teacher asked, his face serious.

“What?” The kid looked confused.

“Do you want the answer key on your desk?” The teacher walked to his desk and started looking through a folder of papers.

“Uh, yeah, sure?” The kid still looked confused, and so did the rest of the class.

“Here ya go.” The teacher walked over to the student’s desk and placed a collection of keys on the surface. A house key, a car key, the key to the classroom. The entire class laughed but was quickly silenced when the teacher started handing out the test.

 

At lunch, Jenna walked over to their usual spot under the tree where Tyler and Josh were already sitting. Tyler looked a bit better, more color in his face than when she left his house yesterday. It was chilly and the wind hit her face as she approached the two boys.

“Hey.” She sat down near them and started pulling out her lunch. A granola bar that was high in protein and an apple. Tyler and Josh chimed in their hellos and the three sat in silence for a minute. There was obvious tension.

“I kissed Brendon yesterday.” Well, that broke the ice. Josh and Tyler’s eyes shot up to meet hers.

“You  _ what _ ?!” They both said at the exact same time, making Jenna laugh.

“Yesterday, he took me out on a date, to a spot by a lake, and he kissed me.” Josh had a big grin on his face, clearly proud of his work as matchmaker, and Tyler simply looked surprised.

“That’s great, right?” Tyler grinned a little and Jenna smiled back.

“Yeah, it’s a good thing.” She was still worried about the budding relationship but she thought that she would take the plunge. For once, she felt that just maybe she deserved it, just maybe she deserved to be happy. The two boys racked her brain with questions, which she found amusing because they knew Brendon better than she did, but she was okay with it. Talking about the older boy with the perfect hair made her a little bit giddy.

 

Later that day, after school, Tyler had basketball practice and Jenna had to study, so Josh decided to text Brendon to see what he was up to. Brendon was free and a few minutes later was picking Josh up from his house. 

“So? I heard you kissed Jenna? How was it?” Josh playfully punched Brendon’s arm. Brendon just laughed and smiled with a look of pure adoration in his eyes.

“I really like her. She’s… real. You know?”

“Yeah. She’s cool. She was so good with Tyler yesterday. I was really impressed.” Josh totally understood what Brendon said. Jenna saw more than just what was on the surface.

“I heard about that, is he okay?” Bredon shot Josh a look of concern and then looked back to the road ahead of him.

“Honestly? I don’t know. He hasn’t had a major episode in almost a year now, I mean, you remember how it was back then, but now two weeks ago he just… broke down. And then after yesterday… I don’t know. I worry.” Josh started tapping his thighs with his finger.

“That sucks man. Have you tried therapy or something? Maybe he needs professional help.”

“We want to, but his parents won’t let him. And the doctor’s won’t do anything without consent.”

“That sucks.” They drove in silence for a minute. Josh couldn’t stop thinking about Tyler. He thought about how he looked so peaceful when he slept and how Josh wished that he could always be so peaceful. The only time he ever saw Tyler seem truly in control of his inner demons was when he sang. He had so much raw emotion in his voice that needed to be let out and that was how he was able to express it. For anyone who listened, it was a beautiful and intimate. Josh secretly hoped that he and Tyler would play music together for the rest of their lives, but he also knew that Tyler was destined for great things. He had a perfect GPA and would definitely get a full-ride basketball scholarship. If anyone was going to drop out of school and try for a career in music, it wouldn’t be Tyler. Unless, that is, his mental health gets the best of him. About a year ago Tyler had hit a really low point where he literally could not be left alone. He was extremely suicidal and it was scary for everyone, but especially for Josh. Josh had seen the worst of it and was right there with Tyler every step of the way, even though it meant they fought. They had been to hell and back together, but the battle wasn’t over, and he doubted it ever would be.

“Hey Josh?” Brendon broke the silence.

“Yeah?”

“Take care of yourself? Your always taking care of everyone else. Take a moment for yourself, okay?” Brendon had concern painted on his face again so Josh forced a smile.

“I will. Promise.” But Josh knew he wouldn't be able to take care of himself if Tyler wasn't okay. He needed him to be okay.

  
  



	14. under the bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OOF the writers block has been real lately. Enjoy this kind of bland chapter but there's some cute anxious josh at the end. also title is a red hot chili peppers song 10/10 would recommend.

A few days later, Tyler wakes up with a migraine. It’s a dull pain that makes his brain feel like mush in his skull. He rolls out of bed, opens the drawer of his night stand, and grabs the bottle of painkillers. He takes a couple and grabs some sweats and a hoodie and gets changed. It’s not long before he hears the sound of Josh’s car pulling into the driveway. He grabs his backpack and heads out the door.

“Hey.” Josh smiles at him.

“I have a migraine.” Tyler mumbles and pulls out his sunglasses, covering his eyes.

“Sorry.” Josh was used to this. Tyler had chronic headaches that were most likely caused be his insomnia that prevented him from sleeping at night. When he had a headache, it was useless to even try to get him to talk. “Did you take painkillers?”

“Yeh.” Tyler slowly draws his knees up against his chest and leans his chin on them. 

“Good.” Josh puts the car in drive and they start towards the school. He left the radio off so that the noise wouldn’t bother the other boy. A few minutes later, Tyler breaks the silent.

“You look good today.” He mumbles, keeping his eyes, which are still shielded by his glasses, on the road ahead of them.

“Oh, thanks.” Josh blushes, looking down at his black skinny jeans and almost-too-tight black long sleeve shirt. Tyler chuckles a little bit at Josh’s reaction which only makes him go even more red in the face.

 

During his third period literature class, Tyler isn’t as present as he normally is. They had been studying poetry, and because he feels his songs fall into that category, he has been really looking forward to this class everyday. Today, however, he just doesn’t quite feel up to it. About fifteen minutes into class, after staring into space while the teacher lectures, he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. Instead, he wanders down the hall and slips into the music room, completely empty other than the upright piano tucked away in the corner. He slowly walks across the room and slips behind the keys onto the bench. Without thinking, he starts pressing the black and white keys. The melody flows out naturally and he starts to sing.

_ I don't wanna fall, fall away _

_ I don't wanna fall, fall away _

_ I'll keep the lights on in this place _

_ 'Cause I don't wanna fall, fall away _

 

_ I disguise _

_ And I will lie _

_ And I will take my precious time _

_ As the days melt away _

_ As I stand in line _

_ And I die as I wait as I wait on my crime _

_ And I'll try to delay what you make of my life _

_ But I don't want your way, _

_ I want mine _

_ I'm dying and I'm trying _

_ But believe me I'm fine _

_ But I'm lying, _

_ I'm so very far from fine _

 

He only started working on this song about a week ago, and he hadn’t even shared it with Josh yet. Frankly, he didn’t want to show it to Josh. Now that they were… more than friends, he really didn’t want to make Josh worry about him anymore. He felt he owed him at least that, to be okay enough not to make him worry. Tyler knew that the drummer wholeheartedly understood that sometimes he didn’t want to talk about what he was referring to in his lyrics, but he also knew that he still worried, and he didn’t want Josh to ever have to feel worried.

 

_ And I, I can feel the pull begin _

_ Feel my conscience wearing thin _

_ And my skin _

_ It will start to break up and fall apart _

 

Before he can start the next chorus, he’s interrupted by the shrill voice of a woman behind him. It simultaneously makes him jump in surprise and wince in pain, his head still throbbing.

“Oh my God who are you?!” The woman is short with blond hair that looks dry and almost silver, showing its age. She is wearing a black suit and a blue blouse underneath.

“Uh, Tyler, Tyler Joseph?” He’s still taken aback by the woman’s presence, his face reddening with embarrassment, realising that complete stranger heard some of his most personal thoughts.

“You NEED to join the choir! Tryout have already passed but I can make an exception. Your voice is INCREDIBLE! How have I not met you before? AND you play PIANO?!” The woman keeps rambling, shoving her business card into his hand. “You can be part of out top choir, we meet during fifth period, can you make it?” Tyler quickly nods, way too intimidated to think about whether or not this is something he actually wants to do, and the woman continues. “Good, good. I’ll see you tomorrow, then, Tyler.”

Tyler just stares as the woman leaves the room. The choir. He had never considered joining. Sure, he sang, but it wasn’t really about the singing. It was about what the singing did for him. It gave him a chance to express himself. To let all those pent of feelings finally come out and shine through. It was never about the actual singing itself. He decided he would give it a shot. Who knows, maybe he will learn a thing or two to improve his vocals so that he and Josh can actually be successful as a band. Who knows.

 

After school, on the ride home after school, Tyler took a moment to really look at Josh. He looks at his soft brown curls who are no longer dyed red, he looks at his brown eyes that have the ability to make his heart melt inside of him, he looks at his soft lips that he was blessed to have kissed once, and he looks at his smooth, pale skin.

“Come over, my parents aren’t home.” 

“Okay.” Josh keeps driving but now with a small smile creeping on his lips. Tyler smiles a little bit too. The drive seems to take too long and after what felt like an eternity, he and Josh are in his garage.

“Do you want to play something or…” Josh puts his backpack down and sits on the small stool at the drums, facing Tyler expectantly.

“Not particularly.” Tyler smirks and walks towards him, putting his hand on Josh’s shoulder. He slowly leans in towards Josh and pushes their lips together, softly, at first, but then with more need. He take his other hand and puts it on Josh’s cheek, softly stroking his skin. But then, Josh pulls away.

“Ty, can we, uh, take it slow?” The older boy is pulling at his own sleeves with his hands, his eyes flickering back and forth from Tyler’s eyes to the floor.

“Yeah, of course. But, is something wrong? Or are you just overwhelmed?” Tyler gently strokes his arm, trying to be comforting.

“Just… overwhelmed.” He isn’t lying. This whole gay thing, relationship thing in general, is really knew to him. But he also feels more nervous and… anxious… then he thinks he should be.

“That’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?” Tyler runs his hand down Josh’s muscular arm all the way to his hand and takes it into this own.

“No… yes… maybe?” Josh looks up and laughs a little. When his eyes meet Tyler’s his chest flutters a bit. “It’s not a big deal. I’ve just been getting anxious a lot lately, but I think everyone has, I mean we’re all seniors and have a lot of decisions to make, we are all in this position, I know I’m not like, special, or anything-”

“Hey, stop that.” Tyler interrupts his rambling. “You are special. Your my best friend, you have Brendon, Jenna, your family. You are special. Heck, your the drummer for this super cool band, I don’t know if you've heard of them, they’re called Twenty One Pilots?” Josh laughs a little bit.

“You know that’s not what I meant though.” Tyler nods and massages Josh’s hand and let’s him continue. “I always feel like there’s this crushing weight on my chest. Like I can’t breath. The only time it’s not there is when I’m drumming. And sometimes it gets really bad, like when I’m giving a presentation in class, or thinking about the future, or, or kissing you.” Immediately Josh goes pale. He didn’t mean for it to sound that way, he opens his mouth, trying to find the words to explain himself, but Tyler beats him to it.

“Hey, I got you. I know what you mean. I make you nervous. It’s not a bad thing. It’s kind of hot, actually.” This make Josh blush bright red.

“It’s not just that, I just, I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to lose you.” Tyler sighs and pulls Josh up off the seat, taking him into a tight hug.

“You will never lose me. I need you.”

“I need you too.” Josh mumbles into his neck.

“I love you.” Tyler pulls away, moving one of hand to gently stroke the other’s face.

“I love you too.”

  
  



	15. next to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for being so inconsistent so enjoy this longer chapter :)

When Friday rolls around, Tyler is looking forward to the weekend. It was going to be a busy day- he had a calculus test first period, was going to try the choir fifth, and then he was excused early for the basketball game they were playing tonight. Josh, Jenna, Brendon, and his family were going to meet him there later to watch but athletes went earlier to warm up and get a feel for the place.

Tyler wasn’t sure if he was more anxious or more curious about the choir. He had heard them sing before, when they did they’re silly Singing Valentines in February, and they were pretty good. The songs were bland and the members were all clean-cut poster children, but then again, wasn’t he just that? He had a perfect 4.0 GPA, was the star player of the varsity basketball team, and went to church on Sunday. He was accepted early decision with a full ride scholarship to all his top schools and he was destined for great things. On the other hand, he was depressed and felt trapped in his own mind. He only coped by writing, singing, sometimes cutting, and because of Josh. Tyler often wondered what he had done to deserve him. The other boy had basically made it his life’s mission to keep him safe, and what had he done in return? He had to make it up to him.

Yesterday, when he kissed him, and Josh pulled away, he mentioned being anxious. Tyler wondered if Josh meant just anxious, nervous, or if he meant he thought he had an anxiety disorder. Now he regrets not asking more questions, not doing more to figure out what exactly was bothering more. At first he was worried that maybe the other had changed his mind, and that he didn’t want to be with him in that way anymore, but then Josh said he _needed_ him. What did he mean by that?

His thoughts were interrupted by his alarm clock. Tyler didn’t usually get much sleep, but tonight was worse than usual. He had tossed and turned until two in the morning and when he eventually fell into a light slumber, he was only to wake up again two hours later at four. Now it was 6:30 and he was actually thankful to have to get out of bed. He chuckles as Zack groans and surses incoherently under his breath.

“What are you laughing at?” He mumbles and throws a pillow at Tyler, who catches it perfectly and throws it right back. Zack groggily reaches for his phone and taps the screen, reading something before letting out an annoyed sigh. “Can I catch a ride with you and Josh? My ride cancelled on me.”

“Yeh, sure.” Tyler got out of bed and went to his closet. He grabbed a pair of grey skinny jeans and a light blue long sleeve shirt.

“Thanks.” Zack also get out of bed and grabs a short sleeve shirt and some jeans. Tyler can’t help but feel a bit jealous that he can’t wear short sleeves anymore, than again, it’s his own fault for creating the scars in the first place. “Are you excited for the game tonight?”

“Yeah I guess. I mean, I already have the scholarships but that doesn’t mean I can slack off. They might take them away if I stop performing.”

“Wait, what scholarships?” Tyler freezes. He had forgotten that he hadn’t told anyone, not even Josh, about the colleges. If he told his parents, they would want to start making plans, but Tyler wasn’t sure if college was what he wanted for himself. He just wanted to travel the world in a tour bus with Josh, playing music, making people feel something. He wanted to feel something. And music made him feel something.

“I got some scholarships. But don’t tell anyone. I haven’t told anyone, not even Josh, not Mom, not Dad.” Tyler tried to look at him threateningly but he knew he probably looked more scared than anything.

“Yeah sure, no problem. Congrats though.” Zack flashed him a grin and then disappeared down the hall. Tyler sighed into his hands. No one was supposed to know yet.

On the car ride over, Tyler sneaks glances at Josh. Today, he’s wearing black jeans and an old band tee, his brown curls covered by a snapback. The shirt shows off his muscles and suddenly Tyler feels really small and shrimpy in comparison. The three stay in comfortable silence, the radio playing an old Red Hot Chili Peppers song they all like. Tyler notices Josh’s fingers drumming to the rhythm against the steering wheel and quietly starts singing the lyrics. They both share a quick smile.

 

After lunch, Tyler realizes he never asked the woman yesterday where he was supposed to go to meet the choir. He figures that trying the music room is a pretty safe bet. As he walks down the familiar hall, the anxiety builds up in his chest. He wonders if the other kids will like him and accept him, or if he will just be an outcast in the group. When he reaches the door, he can’t bring himself to open it. He stares at the door knob and wills himself to open it, but he just can’t do it.

“Hey, are you looking for someone?” He looks up to see a kid he doesn’t know. The taller boy has a friendly smile and dark hair that pops against his pale skin.

“Uh yeah, I’m here for the choir?” Tyler hopes he doesn’t look as anxious as he feels.

“Oh okay, just right through here. My name’s Alex by the way.” Alex opens the door and ushers Tyler in. There are about fifty other students in the room in small groups talking and laughing.

“Oh wow, there’s a lot of you.” Tyler feels his heart rate increase and tries to keep his cool.

“Yeah, there’s thirty eight of us. Are you new here? Carroll doesn’t usually take people in the middle of the year. Auditions were in the spring.” Alex keeps walking, and Tyler follows, not wanting to be completely alone in the group of strangers.

“I was in here yesterday, during third, and some lady heard me singing, it was just a stupid song, and playing the piano, and she told me to come here? Told me I had to join the choir?” Tyler cursed under his breath, willing himself to stop rambling like an idiot.

“Sounds like Carroll. She’s always trying to recruit guys. Either they can’t sing or they’re ‘too cool for school’, if you know what I mean.” Alex laughs and Tyler just nods, trying to keep himself from saying something stupid. Alex turns to him with a more serious expression on his face. “Just warning you, she might make you sing something in front of all of us to see where you’d fit in, so I hope you have something prepared.” At first, Tyler chuckles, but then it hits him.

“Oh shit. I don’t have anything prepared. What should I do? What kind of song do you recomend? You know what maybe I should just leave? It’s not too late--”

“HELLO EVERYBODY!” They are interrupted by the voice of the woman he met yesterday and now it is too late. “Find your positions please. Oh! Tyler come up to the front!” The other students shuffle onto the stands, standing in one appears to have been a carefully chosen lay out. “Everyone, this is Tyler Joseph! I found him singing yesterday and I think he will make a great addition. Be nice to him. Okay, Tyler, can you sing something for us? I want to figure out where to put you.”

“Uh, uh, I guess, yeah.” Externally, he has gone white, sweating even though he can hear the AC humming in the silent room. Mentally, he is sorting through all of the possible songs he could sing. There was no way he was doing an original. He decides on a Beatles song. It’s safe. “Can I use the piano?” Carroll nods and he takes a seat. The piano prevents him from looking at the other students, but he can still feel their eyes on his back as he softly starts to hit the keys.

 

_There are places I remember,_

_All my life, though some have changed._

_Some forever, not for better,_

_Some have gone and some remain._

 

It started out quiet, he swore he could feel his voice trembling like his shaking hands, but as he played and the lyrics flowed out easily, he gained confidence. The next thing he knows, the song is finished and he straightens his back and takes a deep breath. He turns around to face the class, where he is greeted by smiling faces and Carroll, sorting through the students, making space between a boy he doesn’t recognize and Alex. She gestures for him to come over and he awkwardly walks through the other kids to make his way to the open spot.

“Okay, let’s run through the list in order. Alex? Do you mind sharing with Tyler? I’ll get him his own binder soon.” The boy nods and shuffles so he’s standing a little closer to him. Tyler quickly studies the page of lyrics that have been annotated with symbols he doesn’t recognize.

“Ignore the signals. Just sing at whatever key your comfortable and try to breath.” Alex whispers softly so only he can here and Tyler mouths a _thank you_ in return. And on that note, they start to sing. At first, it’s difficult. He’s never sung in an organized group like this and frankly it’s a little overwhelming. By the end, however, he actually find himself enjoying it. Something about the harmony of all their voices together and the harmony is beautiful and fascinating. The kid he met, Alex, has been friendly so far and he thinks that maybe this won’t be so bad.

 

As he sits in the bus heading towards the basketball game, all Tyler can think about is how badly he doesn’t want to be there. He has grown to love the sport over the years, he has gotten really good at it and his competitive spirit makes him perfect for it, but he has never really felt like part of the team. All the other members are the stereotypical jocks who are lack brains and only make it through high school because of the athletics. They treat him decently, knowing he’s the star player and the only reason they ever win, but Tyler definitely wouldn’t say that he’s friends with any of the other players. He feels like he’s pretending to be someone he’s not as he sits in the loud bus in his jersey, his scared arms covered by white athletic sleeves. His brother, Zack, sits next to him but his attention is on someone else so is left to sit with his thoughts.

When they arrive to the other high school three hours later, they are ushered into a team room where their coach goes over strategy. Tyler is only half paying attention and almost doesn’t notice when suddenly everyone is leaving the room and heading towards the gym. Someone passes him a ball and he starts warming up, and he gets into the zone.

 

As Josh walks into the crowded gym with Jenna and Brendon, he can’t help but grin ear to ear when he spots Tyler. They find seats decently close to the front on the bleachers against a wall labeled “AWAY” in big bold letters. Brendon pulls out a backpack with a bag of chips, a pack of oreos, and couple of water bottles.

“Dude, we’re getting dinner after this, you know?” Josh teases, but steals an oreo regardless.

“You can never be too prepared!” Brendon argues, but chuckles a little bit anyway.

“You sound like my mom.” Jenna rolls her eyes and then pushes him teasingly.

“I came here for a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.” Brendon fakes a look of offense that quickly fades into a smile when Jenna takes his hand in hers. Josh smiled at them, genuinely happy for his two friends, but at the same time couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. He wished he could hold Tyler’s hand in public, he wished he could come out of the closet, he wish it wasn't so difficult to just be who he was without the fear of being judged, or even hurt. He looked over at his best friend, who was standing a little further away from the rest of the team, stretching his arms and bouncing on his feet. He smiled a bit. He really loved him.

 

After the game, Tyler avoided his parents and went straight towards his friends, who were all clumped by the door waiting for him. They’re team had won, but Tyler wasn’t playing his best so he knew they would be disappointed. Since he still hadn’t told them about the scholarships, they hadn’t let up any pressure. He had sent them a quick text letting them know he was going out with friends to celebrate the win and signed out with coach.

“Great game, Tyler, you were incredible as usual.” He grinned when he looked up to see Josh, who pulled him into a quick one armed side hug and just as quickly let go.

“Thanks. I was playing terribly though, let’s go before Mom and Dad find me.” An emotion that he couldn’t quite identify flashed across Josh’s face, maybe it was disgust, maybe sadness, but then he just smiled and they walked towards Brendon’s car, where the older boy was already waiting with Jenna.

The car ride back home felt short when he was with his three friends. They played the radio way too loud and sang obnoxiously. Brendon hit all the high notes with ease and Tyler showed off his rapping abilities, Josh drummed the beat against his thighs with his hands and Jenna took videos, even posting some on snapchat. When they eventually made it back to the small town, they pulled into the parking lot of a local pizza place. The dinner conversation was comfortable and the food was good, but all Tyler wanted to do was go home with Josh. He was both physically and mentally exhausted and also wanted some one on one time with the other boy. After Brendon paid the bill, they all piled back into his car and headed home.

 

When they made it to his house, Tyler immediately went to shower. His parents told him they would be having a serious chat tomorrow and Tyler would be lying if he said he wasn’t feeling too worried about it. As he stood in front of the mirror, drying himself off, he looked to his scarred arms again. He took a deep breath and pulled on the flannel pajama pants and white long sleeve he brought to change into and headed to his bedroom.

Josh was there, already changed, sitting with his legs crossed on his bed. When Tyler walks in and shut the door behind him, he looks up and smiles.

“Do you want to do anything or just go to bed?” Josh scoots over a bit to let Tyler sit next to him.

“Let’s just… talk.” Tyler moves back on the bed so that he’s leaning on the wall.

“Okay.” Josh adjusts to mimic him. “Is there anything in particular you want to talk about?”

“Yeah. Um, yesterday, you talked about feeling anxious. Does that happen a lot?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah it does, actually.” Josh sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “But you don’t have to worry about it, I’m fine.”

“Josh, I want to worry about you.” Josh looks up at him and makes eye contact. “I care about you. It would be bad if I didn’t worry.”

“I know it’s just… It’s kind of embarrassing. My chest tightens at silly things, like the thought of having to open a door, or eating dinner with my parents, or getting out of my chair in class to get a textbook.” Josh seems frustrated, almost angry. “It’s just stupid because I know there’s nothing to be afraid of in those situations but my brain manages to convince me there is.”

“That sucks.” Tyler wants to reach out and hug him as tightly as he can, but holds back the urge.

“Yeah. How have you been?”

“Hey, this conversation is about you, not me.” Tyler smiles at him softly, nudging his side with his elbow gently. “I’ve been okay. There’s bad days and good days, but I’ve been safe.”

“Good.”

“I joined the choir.” Tyler grins and Josh just looks surprised.

“Really?” Tyler nods and Josh chuckles. “Wouldn’t have pegged you for the choir type.”

“Me neither, but it’s actually pretty okay.”

“Good.” That’s when Tyler just can’t take it anymore. He shuffles in closer so that he’s touching the other boy’s side and gently leans against him. Josh wraps and arm around him and pulls him close. Tyler put his hand on Josh’s knee and starts stroking it softly.

“I know I see you everyday but I miss you.” Tyler speaks softly.

“I’ve missed you too.” Josh gently places his hand on Tyler’s cheek and guides their faces closer together, pressing a soft kiss against the other’s lips. It’s short and soft, but special and romantic. They fall asleep in each others arms to the sound of their breathing.

  



	16. I wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking ages I'm working on another piece that is much higher quality and should be out in a month or so?? I don't know I want it to be really good cause it's more artistic rather than just a story.  
> ANYWAY-- stick with me guys! I haven't even gotten to the the good stuff. There's going to be a major thing happening within the next few chapters and that's what's going to make things ~interesting~ I just really wanted to develop the characters before having anything major happen that way you guys understand their reactions and stuff.  
> Stay safe everyone, if you guys ever need anyone to talk to leave a comment and we can find a way to talk. I know that sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger than someone you know, so if your struggling, know I'm here for you.  
> Also, please leave a comment if you like this fic or are read it or somethin because I thrive off validation ahaha.

As Jenna woke up on Saturday morning, she couldn’t help but smile. She couldn’t remember the last time she felt truly happy. She loved her new town. Sure, it had its downfalls, but she also had three amazing friends, one of which was her boyfriend, and it was far away from all the toxicity of her life in California. She had gotten a second chance and she was eternally grateful for it.

Last night Brendon had dropped her off at home and they had made plans to get lunch and see a movie together today. She grabbed her phone where she saw a text from Tyler. Attached, there was a picture of Josh, asleep, with his mouth wide open.

_ Tyler: look at him _

_ Tyler: he’s so precious _

_ Jenna: cuteeee _

_ Tyler: what are you doing today _

_ Jenna: date with brendonn _

_ Tyler: ahh have fun _

_ Tyler: but not too much fun ;) _

_ Jenna: haha very funny _

_ Jenna: have fun with joshie _

_ Tyler: joshie… I like that… bet he would hate it though _

_ Jenna: the best nicknames are the ones they hate _

_ Tyler: I don’t disagree _

She smiles and sets her phone down. It’s already ten and Brendon is picking her up at 11:30 so she decides it’s okay to skip breakfast. No matter how happy she feels, that doesn’t stop mental illness. She heads to the bathroom attached to her bedroom and takes a shower. She lets the warm water run down her hair and her face, over her shoulders, down her back, and through the drain. After drying off and putting on her bathrobe, she goes back to her unmade bed and picks up her cell phone. She hadn’t really paid much attention to the comments on her recent Instagram posts or the messages on Snapchat. She decided it was time, so she went to the first picture she posted after taking a break that lasted over two years. It was the couple of pictures she posted from homecoming. There was Tyler’s sweet comment, Josh’s funny remark about how Tyler’s smile looked funny, Tyler’s fake-hurt response, and Brendon’s heart emojis. There was a comment from her aunt, whom she was really close with, saying how glad she was that Jenna was doing well. There where a few comments made by a kids from her old school, most saying they were happy she was doing well, but only one caught her eye. It was left by a girl she had called her closest friend for almost five years, but then, when her depression got really bad, left her. It only added to the stress, and then when her brother died, everything fell apart. She hit rock bottom and even tried to overdose on pills, but failed. For a long time after that, she only ever thought of herself as a failure. She failed her friendships, failed her brother, failed her parents, but even managed to fail to take her own life. The comment read  _ I’m glad you’re doing well! We should talk soon<3 _ . Jenna scoffed. This girl had gone from her best friend to a stranger in less than twenty four hours because she thought that Jenna was desperate for attention, and now she was trying to act all sweet.

She closed her phone and got out of bed, shedding off the bathrobe and changing into a pair of black skinny jeans and a white tee shirt that was almost a crop top. She pulled on some vans, grabbed her wallet and a backpack, and then headed outside to wait for Brendon.

When he pulled into her driveway, she got into the passenger seat and they exchanged hello’s.

“You look good.” Brendon was smiling but kept his eyes on the road.

“Thanks, so do you.” Jenna tried to cover the pink in her cheeks. She wasn’t good at receiving compliments. Brendon did look good. He was wearing tight black jeans and a fitted black shirt but it suited him perfectly. 

“I was going to take you to my favorite burger joint, if your okay with that?” He glanced at her for a second before refocusing on traffic.

“Sounds perfect.” She knew that sooner or later she was going to have to tell him about her eating disorder and other array of mental health issues; which was a conversation she was not looking forward to. How was she supposed to explain to a guy she has known for only about a month that she had suffered so much in her early adolescence that she tried to end her own life? Part of her thought that maybe he would understand, because he was friends with Tyler and Josh, but a bigger part of her was worried that he would resent her for it, maybe even be afraid of her. 

When they got to the restaurant, which was an old fashioned diner, they sat a table for two and ordered burgers, fries, and a milkshake to share. They shared light and easy conversation about their weeks. Brendon was ranting how complicated it was to organize and plan their trip to Los Angeles on such a tight budget, and Jenna sharing her busy schedule that made Brendon groan only hearing about it.

“Are you applying for colleges?” He asked, taking a fry from the plate.

“Yeah. I’m applying to some local ones, but there’s a few on the coasts that I’m looking at.” 

“What are you thinking of majoring in?”

“Business and economics, probably. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, hell, I’m surprised I even made it this far.” She laughed but Brendon only frowned.

“What do you mean?” Jenna took a deep breath, not realizing she was going to be having this conversation so soon.

“I went through a rough patch a couple years ago. My, uh, my brother died. And I was already really depressed, and with anxiety and anorexia controlling my life on top of that, for a long time it felt like ending my life would be the only option that would lead to peace.” Brendon’s frown of confusion quickly turned into concern and he reached out and took her hand. His was rough and calloused compared to her own but she liked the feeling.

“I am so sorry. I don’t even know what to say.” He gently stroked the skin on her hand softly.

“I’m kind of damaged goods.” She chuckled softly.

“Aren’t we all, in one way or another? But seriously, if there’s anything I can do, or anything I shouldn’t do, just let me know. I’m here for you.” That made Jenna’s heart melt. She couldn’t believe his reaction. She still anticipated people to tell her she was complaining for no reason and that she just needed to chose to be happy, but it wasn’t that easy. She was falling for him and it scared the shit out of her.

“Thanks, but, can we not talk about it?” She half smiled shyly down at the table. 

“Of course.” As he speaks the waiter arrives with their burgers and sets the plates down in front of them, forcing Brendon to let go of her hand.

“It looks good.” Jenna picks up her burger, examining the sandwich.

“Best burger in Ohio.” Brendon grins widely before taking a bite, which makes him moan so loudly and passionately, leaning back in his chair and closing his eyes, that Jenna puts down her burger and quickly grab her phone to take a few photos. He just laughs and finished chewing, his eyes squinting in a way that Jenna can only describe as adorable.

 

After lunch they went to the theatres and watched whatever the newest superhero movie that came out was. Although it wasn’t what she would have picked, Jenna didn’t care. She didn’t care about the movie, only about who she was watching it with.

When the movie ended, she really didn’t want to go home. She really, really enjoyed Brendon’s company. He knew when she was being serious, but also knew when to be funny. He made her feel special, important, seen.

But sadly it was time for her to go home, her mom insisted that they have family dinner tonight, something she wasn’t looking forward to.

“Hey, I just realized I’ve never heard you sing.” Jenna says as she steps out of his car. “I’ve never heard you sing.”

“I guess you’ll have to come here the band play sometime.” He grins back, which just makes Jenna smile even bigger than she knew was possible.

“I guess I will.” They say their goodbyes and Jenna walks inside, a warm feeling in her heart that is so foreign to her yet feels like home. It’s not a house that makes a home, it’s the people in your life that make it worth living, that sense of belonging, that’s what makes home. And although she has only been living here for about a month, Ohio is starting to feel a lot more like home than California ever did.

  
  



	17. the other side of paradise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A LOT HAPPENS  
> I'm sorry for not posting in centuries but I've! Been! So! Stressed!  
> Oh fun fact my Spanish teacher apparently dressed up at Josh and his wife dressed as Tyler like two years ago and if that's not iconic than I don't know what is.  
> Trigger Warning- self harm towards the middle  
> OH HEY ONE LAST THING: should I start posting chapters of the other piece I've been working on or should I wait until I have five chapters done?? It's VERY different from this one.

Tyler woke up feeling hot and sticky. He groaned at the discomfort and tried to roll over but he couldn’t move. He froze. He slowly turned his head but all the fear melted into happiness when he sees Josh’s face only a few inches away from his own. The warmth of the other’s body had made him sweaty and Josh’s arms wrapped around his body were what kept him from moving. Tyler gently turned himself around so he was facing the other boy and smiled at the funny expression on the sleeping face. Josh’s mouth was slightly open and his hair was an unruly mess, but in Tyler’s opinion in was adorable. He gently reached over the body in front of him and picked up his phone off the nightstand to sneakily take a picture and send it to Jenna.

_ Tyler: look at him _

_ Tyler: he’s so precious _

Although he had only known her for about a month, he had quickly grown to like and trust the girl. She was down to earth, kind, and frankly just a pleasure to be around. It angered him that such a good person had suffered so much in her life.

_ Jenna: cuteeee _

_ Tyler: what are you doing today _

_ Jenna: date with brendonn _

_ Tyler: ahh have fun _

_ Tyler: but not too much fun ;) _

_ Jenna: haha very funny _

_ Jenna: have fun with joshie _

_ Tyler: joshie… I like that… bet he would hate it though _

_ Jenna: the best nicknames are the ones they hate _

_ Tyler: I don’t disagree _

He put his phone back down on the nightstand and slowly started running his fingers through the other boy’s hair, playing with the dark brown curls. Although he liked it when Josh dyed his hair, he secretly prefered the natural color of it. It was a deep warm brown like the color of chocolate and he adored it. Tyler snuggled up closer against the other’s chest, enjoying the feeling of the warm body and the sound of it’s heartbeat. The beat was strong and regular like that of a drum.  _ That would be a good song… A song that’s just… Josh. _ The feeling of being so near another person was a little scary, but mostly comforting. Josh’s warmth was making Tyler sleepy and he probably would have drifted back into sleep if Josh hadn’t started stirring against him. His own head was slightly below Josh’s so he couldn’t see the other boy’s face. He felt the arms around him move and then felt hands in his hair, gentle fingers on his scalp, soft lips pushing down against the top of his head. He let himself enjoy the feeling for a minute before gently tipping his head back, letting his eyes meet Josh’s warm brown one’s.

“Hi.” Josh smiled at him with so much warmth Tyler could’ve mistook him for the sun.

“Hey.” Tyler couldn’t help but smile back. Josh gently pushed a kiss on his forehead, than one on his cheek, then another on his lips. “Someone’s feeling good today.”

“I woke up in bed with my favorite person, I can’t help it.” Josh smiled and then pressed another soft kiss on Tyler’s lips. The feeling was absolutely incredible. Tyler decided that if everything good in the world was combined and put into one single action, it would be Josh’s kiss.

“Your good at this whole kissing thing.” Tyler smirked when the other boy pulled away.

“Am I?” Josh smile back, blushing a little, and gently stroked Tyler’s arm.

“Yeah you are.” Tyler closed his eyes and soaked in the warmth of the body next to him, the softness of the touch, the love.

“I’m glad.” Josh gently pulled away and rolled off the bed, stretching as he stood up.

“What? Where are you going?” Tyler scrambled to sit up cross legged on the bed, eyeing Josh with confusion as the other boy pulled a sweatshirt on over his short sleeve shirt.

“Gotta pee.” Josh shot him an apologetic glance but Tyler pouted, not satisfied with the answer.

“Can’t it wait?” He had wanted their time in the bed to last forever.

“Nope, sorry.” Josh grinned as he went for the door. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Tyler couldn’t believe it was real. He had woken up in the arms of his best friend in the whole world, who also loved him back. It was almost too good to be true. It made him feel warm and fuzzy inside, a feeling that before this had been foreign to Tyler.

“What do you want to do today?” Josh walks back into the room and shuts the door behind him before making his way to Tyler’s bed and plopping down next to him.

“I dunno, I’ve been writing a bit so maybe we can work on some of that new music?” 

“Yeah sure.” Josh sits next to him on the bed.

“And, I was thinking, there’s this little cafe, downtown, that has an open stage on Fridays. I thought we could sign up to play there.” It was an idea that Tyler had been messing with ever since he and Josh started the band. He figured it was a way they could test their music and see if they would even have a shot at being successful musicians.

“Like a show?” Josh’s eye light up like a kid on Christmas.

“Yeah, like a show.” Tyler smiles, happy that Josh is as excited about it as he is.

“That sounds amazing.” Josh gives him a smile. They sat in silence for a minute, both imagining being on stage and playing for other people. It brought both a feeling of anxiety and fear but also adrenaline and excitement.

“Want to get breakfast?” Josh broke the silence.

“Yeah, sure.” Tyler quickly jumps off the bed and straightens his hoodie that he slept in. The two boys walk down the stair and into the empty kitchen. The rest of the family was asleep, so it was just the two of them. Tyler grabs a couple bagels and puts them in the toaster and Josh goes to the fridge and grabs the cream cheese and some orange juice. Tyler can’t help but smile, thinking about how they already act like a married couple. He smiles even bigger when he thinks about how maybe one day maybe they would be married. Although he felt they were already family, it would be even better to be family legally.

“What are you smiling at?” Josh poked him in the side, making him flinch and move out of his daydream and back into reality.

“Nothin’.” Tyler grinned as he brought the toasted bagels to the table.

 

After breakfast, they head to the garage. They can’t play yet because the rest of the house is asleep, so Tyler grabs his notebook and sits next to Josh on the couch.

“I think we have 4 songs ready: Oh Ms Believer, Fall Away, Johnny Boy, March to Sea, and I also have some new ones to show you.” He flips through the pages until he finds the one he’s looking for. “This one is called Forest. I kind of wrote it as a joke at first but it works with the melody so it might be fun. Oh,” He flips to another page. “This one is called Lovely. I wrote it for Jenna, I like that one a lot.”

“You wrote a song for Jenna, but not one for me?” Josh teased, reading over the page of lyrics.

“All my songs are for you, Josh.” Tyler grinned.

“It’s beautiful, she’s gonna love it.” Josh handed back the notebook.

“I was thinking, if we play at that cafe, we do a couple originals and maybe a cover or two?”

“Yeah that sounds good. We should pick familiar songs that people like.”

“Mhm. Of our songs, which would we play? I feel like they’re all too…”

“Edgy? Depressing? Schizophrenic?” Josh teased.

“All of the above.” Tyler chuckled.

“I like Johnny boy, the Forest one looks like it could be interesting.” Josh suggested.

“Yeah, those would probably be okay. And then I have a couple ideas for covers I’ll look into.”

“This is so exciting!” Josh jumped off the bed and bounced on his feet, making Tyler laugh. “Us, playing like a real band!”

“Like a real band.” Tyler repeated. “Josh?”

“Yeah?” 

“What do you want to do after graduation?” Josh sat back down on the couch and thought about his answer for a minute.

“I don’t know, honestly.” 

“Me neither.” Tyler agreed, drawing his legs up to his chest and resting his chin on his knees.

“Well, you’ll go to college with some fancy basketball scholarship.” Josh teased.

“Probably, but I don’t know if I want to.” Tyler mumbled, not making eye contact.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if I want to go to college.”

“Well, this band thing needs to work out then.” It was like Josh read his mind. Tyler half smiled.

“I guess it does.” Tyler shuffled across the couch to be closer to Josh and softly kissed him on the lips. They didn’t stop until the need for air interrupted them but then they went straight back to it. Josh was holding Tyler’s hips, gently rubbing small circles on his skin with his thumbs. Tyler had his hands on Josh’s shoulders, keeping him close.

“What the hell?!” The boys jumped when they heard a voice coming from the doorway, where Mrs. Joseph stood with her hands on her hips and a look of horror, disgust, and shock on her face.

“Oh, um, Mom, it’s not--” Tyler started, fear making his heart beat fast as the overwhelming urge to run took over his body.

“Josh, you need to leave.” Mrs Joseph was now growing more and more furious.

“No, Mom--” Tyler started again, trying to keep the tears that were threatening to spill at bay.

“I don’t want to hear it. Josh, go home. Tyler, I’ll deal with you later. I need to go speak with your father.”

“Mom wait--” But it was to late. Mrs Joseph slammed the door shut behind her as she walked back into the main part of the house. He slowly turned to face his friends, who was running a shaky hand through his hair. “Josh, I…”

“Just, make sure they don’t tell my parents. I have to go.” Josh grabbed his cellphone and went out the door. Tyler was left alone. Josh seemed scared, but also angry. In all the time they have known each other, they had never had a fight or argument. If they disagreed they were always able to resolve it pretty quickly and easily. He didn’t know if he could survive without Josh, but the other boy probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him after this.

He stood up, shaking, and tried to keep his cool as he walked back into the main part of the house. He could hear his parents yelling, probably about him, but he couldn’t understand what they were saying. He sneaked up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

He opened the first drawer and took out the box of razor blades, craving pain and the sight of the dark metallic blood dripping against his almost white skin. Letting his body collapse down to the ground, he stared at the box, and thought about Josh and Jenna. He knew they wouldn’t want him to do this, but Josh was gone now and Jenna probably wouldn’t want anything to do with him after what he did. The tears were silent as he thought about how in less than four hours he had somehow managed to mess things up so bad.

Slowly, he opened the box of razorblades and took one out, careful not to cut his fingers. His hands shook as he held the small piece of metal above his forearm and slowly pushed the sharp edge against his already scarred skin and cut deep. He repeated the motion until his vision started to blur from the blood loss.

When he finished, he wrapped the bloodied blade in toilet paper and tossed it in the trash can. He pulled the first aid kit out from under the sink and wrapped his arm in bandages, carefully pulling the sleeves of his hoodie over to cover the evidence. He cleaned up the small pool of blood that had collected on the tile floor with more toilet paper and flushed the pinkish wad down the toilet.

He shakily opened the door to the bathroom and saw his brother, leaning against the wall of the hallway. Before he could think of anything to say, he brother grabbed him by the arm, which made him wince from the pain, and dragged him into their bedroom.

“Is it true?” Zack let go of his arm and shut the door behind him, leaning against it. He didn’t look angry, or disgusted. His face was emotionless.

“What?” Tyler decided to play dumb, in case his brother was referring to something else and not the fact the his mom had walked into him and Josh doing something that people who were just friends definitely didn’t do.

“Don’t play dumb Tyler. Are you gay?” Tyler swallowed the lump in his throat. He and Zack were pretty close, but his younger brother was a momma’s boy and would side with her if he had to choose.

“Yeah. Do you have a problem?” Tyler tried to sound more aggressive and confident than he really was.

“No, Jesus, I just wanted to make sure it was true.” Tyler raised an eyebrow. That was not the reaction he was expecting.

“Wait… You’re okay with it? You’re not gonna side with Mom?”

“Of course I’m okay with it. I mean, I have some questions, but you’re my brother.” Zack made it sound so obvious. “And after what I heard Mom saying, I don’t know how someone could say those things about their kid.” Zack’s face suddenly did look disgusted and horrified, but it wasn’t because of Tyler.

“Oh… okay.” Tyler slowly sat down on his bed, but felt a pang in his chest when he saw Josh’s sweatshirt thrown on the ground. “Is she going to tell Josh’s parents about what she saw?”

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so, it sounds like they’re going to try to make it so no one finds out.” Zack left his spot in front of the door and sat next to Tyler. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“About being… gay?” Zack nodded. Tyler still found it difficult to say it aloud. “You know why. We don’t exactly live where people like me are accepted into society with open arms. And you saw how Mom reacted.”

“I know, but I wouldn’t have had an issue with it.”

“How was I supposed to know that?” Tyler laughed but it wasn’t because it was funny.

“Fair. But, I uh, I hope you feel like you can talk to me about this kind of thing, okay? You’re my brother. I’ll love you no matter what. And I might not fully understand this whole gay thing, but I want to.” Zack gently reached his hand out and squeezed Tyler’s shoulder.

“Thanks.” Was all Tyler managed to force out as he tried to keep his tears at bay.

“So, you and Josh, huh?” Zack tried to lighten the mood, but thinking about the boy who he last saw with so much hurt, fear, and anger in his eyes sent another shooting pain to his heart, if that was even possible.

“I think he hates me. He looked so angry, Zack, I’ve never seen him that upset.” Tyler met his brother’s eyes.

“He could never hate you. You guys are more like brothers than you and I.” That made Tyler feel a little bit guilty, but he knew Zack was right. The two boys had inseparable since birth.

“I have to go see him, make sure he’s okay.” He jumped off bed and quickly switched his flannel pajama pants for a pair of skinny jeans and grabbed Josh’s backpack.

“Tyler slow down. You should talk to our parents first.” Zack was right. He couldn’t leave them like this. It would only make things worse for him and Josh.

“Yeah, okay.” He swing the backpack over his shoulder and slowly started down the stairs. He could hear his parents talking, and his heart started to beat faster. He walked through to the living room, where his parents stood. His father stopped mid sentence and looked up when he walked in.

“Tyler. We understand that your just a kid and that your… experimenting… so we won’t tell the church of your sins. We hope you know that this sort of behavior is completely unacceptable under our roof. Your mom will be calling Josh’s mother tomorrow to let her know to watch out for him as well.” His dad seemed to be in denial, completely ignoring the possibility that Tyler was actually gay. As in likes dudes.

“Is there any way you can not tell Josh’s parents?” Tyler tried not to sound too desperate.

“Tyler, we are being extremely lenient already, don’t test us.” His mom spoke this time. She seemed to have skipped denial and gone straight to anger. She was right. It could have been a lot worse. He was a little annoyed that it seemed as though they were more worried about their precious reputations than they’re own son, but they could have been a lot worse about it.

“Sorry.” He muttered.

“Are you going out? We don’t want you to see Josh again until I speak with him parents.” It hurt to hear him mom talk about Josh that way.

“I’m meeting Jenna.” He lied.

“Oh alright, I like that girl. You should bring her around more often. She  _ is _ a little awkward though.” It took every ounce of Tyler’s self control not to yell at her right now but he swallowed down his anger.

“Yeah she’s cool.” Tyler didn’t even wait for a response as he pulled on his sneakers.

He slipped out and shut the front door behind him, grabbing his bike which had been carelessly tossed against one of the bushes. As he biked the short distance to Josh’s house, he tried to picture each potential scenario. Best case, Josh wasn’t actually angry at him, he was just afraid in the moment. Worst case, Josh hated his guts and would never want to speak to him again.

Before he knew it, he was at his friends porch knocking on the front door. Josh opened.

“What do you want, Tyler?” Josh seemed annoyed, Tyler’s heart sunk.

“Can we talk? Please?” The other boy seemed to be thinking about it.

“Yeah, fine. Let me grab a jacket. Let’s drive somewhere.” Tyler tried to hide his relief as he let go a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.

“Course’.” Tyler waited patiently as Josh slipped back into the house only to emerge a few seconds later but now wearing a navy hoodie over his short sleeved shirt. They silently got into the car and drove out of the neighborhood.

“I’m sorry--” Tyler started but was interrupted by Josh.

“No, I’m sorry for freaking out on you. It wasn’t your fault.” Relieved, Tyler relaxed into his seat a little. “I just… I’m not ready for the world to know yet.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. My mom is going to tell your mom I think, but, if it’s any consolation she told me she wasn’t going to tell people from church or anyone else so that I wouldn’t be an embarrassment to the family.”

“She’s going to tell my parents?” Josh’s voice was high and thin with anxiety. Tyler tried to be mindful, knowing Josh had mentioned feeling especially anxious and panicky lately.

“Josh, breath. Your parents are more liberal than mine. They might be okay with it. And if they aren’t? You can stay with Brendon in his apartment, or maybe with Jenna. It’ll be okay.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re right.” Josh’s breathing started to normalize.

“What do you want to do about… us?” Tyler wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer, but they would have to talk about it sooner or later, so why not get it over with.

“I don’t know Ty.” Josh sighed. “Let me see what happens with my parents first. You will always be my best friend, but I don’t know if I can do this if it means my parents will hate me for the rest of my life.” 

“Okay.” Tyler was disappointed. He was happy enough that Josh said they would always be friends, but Tyler wanted to be more than that. He only got that for two short weeks. Josh parked the car in an empty lot near an abandoned building.

“Show me your arms.” He spoke softly.

“Josh…” Tyler was annoyed about how easily  the other boy can read him.

“Don’t argue with me.” Josh’s soft tone was still there but a little bit more stern. Tyler sighed and shoved his arms towards Josh, letting the other boy roll up his sleeves, revealing his bandaged arms. “Tyler… What can I do to help? If there’s anything I can do…”

“You already do everything you can.” It was true. Josh’s presence was enough to give Tyler a reason to live.

“Then why…”

“Josh, you know why. There’s a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me think everyone hates me and that I’m alone. Then another chemical imbalance gives me the urge to hurt or even kill myself.” The words came out a lot more aggressive than he had intended. “I’m sorry that was harsh.” Tyler started but Josh just gently rolled down his sleeves and gave him a small smile.

“Do you want to go get lunch?” Josh turned on the engine and put the car in drive.

“Only if your paying.” Tyler smirked.

“Yeah, fine.” Josh laughed but there was still tension in the air. It had been an emotionally taxing day for both of them.

  
  



	18. broken people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of self harm and panic attacks? Episode thingies? I'm bad a trigger warning so stay safe.  
> This chapter is sad but sweet.

The next day, Tyler had woken up to a text from Josh that he should bike to school, just to keep things from getting weird with their parents. Tyler knew Josh was right, but that didn’t stop him from over thinking. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was because Josh didn’t want to see him, or if he missed something yesterday.

As he biked to school, earbuds in to fill the silence, he prayed to whatever God was listening that they would be fine. He desperately needed them to be fine. If he couldn’t even go one day thinking Joah hated him without slicing up his wrists, than what would it be like if Josh left him for good?

That made him feel guilty. He knew it must of put a ridiculously unfair amount of pressure on him when he saw that was all it took for him to hurt himself. He hoped that Josh didn’t feel like he had to be with Tyler so he wouldn’t hurt himself, because although it might be true, all he ever wanted was for the other boy to happy, and if that meant they went their separate ways, than so be it. Even if it killed him

When he finally got to the campus, he was happy to see that Jenna and Josh were waiting in front of the main building for him. He quickly locked up his bike to the metal racks and made his way over to where they were standing.

“Hey, Tyler.” Jenna smiled at him. He noticed that Josh looked a little uncomfortable from the way he held the straps of his backpack between his fingers.

“Hey, Jen. How was your weekend?” Tyler asked, but he wasn’t really listening to her answer. His eyes were darting back to Josh, who made eye contact and then looked away, fiddling with the strap again. Luckily, before he had to come up with a response to whatever Jenna said, the bell rang and she excused herself. He and Josh were in the same building for first period. They walked in silence for a minute but before they walked through the doors, Tyler gently grabbed him by the elbow and pulled him aside.

“What’s wrong?” Tyler hoped his concern for what Joah was thinking was being conveyed.

“Nothing.” Josh forced a smile, but Tyler didn’t buy it.

“I know you, Josh. What’s up?” The other boy sighed, ran his fingers through his hair and looked around before leading Tyler to one of the benches in the quad.

“Tyler, I don’t know if I can do this.” Tyler’s heart sunk. He didn’t  _ really  _ know what he meant but he had a pretty good idea. “It’s just so hard. My parents, my siblings. Our classmates. I don’t know if I can do this.”

Tyler didn’t answer right away, trying to find the right words.

“Tyler?” Josh looked at him, eyebrow raised expectantly.

“Uh, sorry, I just…” He paused again. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s just a sucky situation.” Josh leaned back against the bench and blew out a breath he had seemingly been holding. “I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

That last bit felt like a knife straight through Tyler’s heart. That was the most cliche break up in every television show and it was being used by  _ Josh _ on  _ Tyler _ . He tried to regain control of his breathing but it was getting hard, and he felt a wave of panic come over him. He heard muffled voices but he blocked them out, the ringing in his ears and the voices in his head louder, stronger.

 

“I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

As soon as Josh said those words, he had regretted it. He loved Tyler  _ so much _ . It killed him to breakup with him. So why did he do it? Josh was a coward. Well, really he just suffered from crippling anxiety, but some call it just being a coward.

He was afraid. He was afraid of what his parents would do when they found out that he was… different. He loved his family, he loved his parents, and he couldn’t bare to lose them.

But he also couldn’t bare to lose Tyler.

And as he watched his friend slowly collapse next to him, he knew why.

This was the most important person in his life. Tyler was the only person Josh ever felt he could be honest with. It was as though Tyler could read his mind, and often he didn’t have to explain what he was feeling with words. He left the words to Tyler, who had always known how to use them, how to string them together to create these beautiful poems made into songs simply by adding a melody. Tyler’s music. The way his voice made Josh’s heart feel ten pounds lighter and made his head spin in wonder and amazement. He was head over feels for this boy and for some twisted reason had just broken up with him.

Josh was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard Tyler’s labored breathing next to him. Tyler had moved to the wall of the building, back pressed up against the wall and legs drawn up to his chest. He was resting his face in his knees and harshly tugging at his short, fluffy, brown hair with his fingers.

Josh just watched. It was absolute torture, but at this stage there was nothing he could do. If he touched Tyler, he would flinch away from the contact and it would make things worse. If he talked, Tyler wouldn’t hear hima anyway.

He just had to wait it out, but be right there in case he was going to hurt himself.

After what felt like eternity but was probably just a couple minutes, Tyler went from heavy breathing and tugging his hair to lengthy sobs. Josh carefully approached him and touched his arm. The other boy tensed but didn’t pull away so Josh carefully started petting his sleeve and got a little closer. Then, he slid one arm under Tyler’s knees and used his other to support his upper body. He lifted him off the ground and carried him to his car, which luckily wasn’t parked too far away, not that Tyler weighed much anyway. Josh somehow unlocked his car without putting Tyler down and gently sat him in the passenger seat, buckling his seat belt just in case. The other boy was still sobbing, but now more quietly. It was clear that he was still in a different world though, so Josh didn’t bother trying to get him to talk.

He drove the short distance to his house, and carried Tyler into his house.

“Josh, what are you doing here?” His mom walked out of the kitchen, drying her hands with a dish towel. “Oh my God, is that Tyler? Is he okay?”

Josh couldn’t contain himself and let out a sob.

“Oh, honey. Does he need to go to the hospital?” Josh shook his head. His mom looked so caring, so concerned, and he was so thankful for her. “Bring him upstairs and put him in your bed. Then we’ll talk.”

He nodded and carried his friend up the staircase and gently lowered him into his unmade bed, pulling the comforter over his friends shaking body. He pulled up his desk chair next to his friend and started petting his soft hair, whispering sweet nothings to try to lull him into a sleep. A few minutes later, his mom walked in with a mug of tea and pulled another chair up next to him, wrapping one arm around him and kissing him softly on the temple. They both stayed silent until Tyler’s breathing eventually evened out as he fell asleep.

“I’m so sorry, Mom.” Josh choked out, his throat still thick from crying.

“For what, sweetheart?” His mom’s concern seemed so sincere, and Josh was kicking himself for being such a terrible son. He wished he could just be normal for them, instead of some emotionally unstable drummer.

“I’ve been lying to you. I’m such a terrible son.” Josh wiped his tears with the back of his free hand, but his face was quickly wet again by a new wave.

“What’s bothering you, Josh?” His mom was still holding him close, but Josh pulled away a little in fear of what her reaction would be.

“I’ve been lying to you.” Josh started again, his breath shaky and tears still quietly rolling down his cheeks. “I… I’m… I…. I’m gay.”

“Oh, sweetheart, come here.” His mom pulled him into a tight hug, Josh accepting in shock that she wasn’t yelling, or screaming, or leaving. “I don’t care, Josh, I will love you no matter what. I hope you know that.”

He sobbed again, his body completely overwhelmed feeling so incredibly relieved but also angry at himself that he had actually believed his mother was capable of hating him. Growing up in an area that was so toxic towards… people who were different… had led to the distrust of even those closest to him, which made him so, so angry.

He and his mom had stayed like that for a while, but eventually someone rang the doorbell, Josh warned her about Mrs Joseph and she promised to try to defuse the situation rather than engage, and he stayed with Tyler, going back to softly stroking his friends hair and looking over him watchfully.

“Mrs Joseph left. She thinks I know nothing, and I said that you boys were probably just messing around. I think she believed me, but I don’t know.” His mom walked back into the room and took her seat.

“Thanks.” Josh was still sniffling, and felt completely exhausted even though it was only ten in the morning.

“So, what happened this morning?” She was referring to why Tyler was asleep in his bed and why they weren’t in school.

“Tyler had a panic attack. They happen a lot, I know how to take care of him through them.” He explained.

“How long has this been happening?” His mom sounded worried.

“I don’t know. Maybe six years?” Josh guessed. The episodes started when they were eleven, and now they were seventeen. They started out as just some quick breathing and sometimes Tyler would feel the overwhelming urge to run, to escape the pain.

But there was nowhere to run, because it was his own brain that abused him.

Now the attacks were much worse. Tyler became completely unresponsive, and was in a whole different stage of consciousness. He would struggle to breath, cry, sometimes scream, pull his hair, hurt himself. He was always so  _ afraid _ but there was nothing Josh could do. It was a traumatizing experience for both of them.

“I wish you had told me.” His mom smiled at him sadly, and he felt another wave of guilt wash over him.

“I’m sorry. But I take good care of him. I know how to help him.” He tried to sound determined, more confident than he actually was.

“I’m sure you do, sweetheart, but I think Tyler needs professional help.”

“I know, but,” Josh sighed and then started again. “His parents think he’s just being weak, they think he’s just being dramatic. But I take care of him, I can usually keep him safe.”

“Josh, do you like Tyler? In that way I mean?” He couldn’t read her expression. It definitely wasn’t aggressive.

“Yeah, mom, I do. I really love him.” That brought more tears, and he bit his lips to try to hold them back, wiping them away with the back of his sleeve.

“Okay, hon, that’s okay.” She gently wrapped her arm back around his shoulders, pulling him close, and he just cried, unsure what to say in return.

They both sat in heavy silence for a while until Tyler started to stir in the bed, and his mom left the room to give the two boys some space.

 

When Tyler wakes up, he opens his eyes for a second but quickly squeezes them shut again when his eye meet the light. He hears a soft voice and feels finger running through his hair, gently massaging his scalp. Although he wishes he could just lie there forever, in peace, the memories from earlier that day slowly fill his brain.

He remembers Josh ending things.

He remembers feeling alike he was drowning.

But after that? Nothing.

Cautiously, he opens his eyes, blinking slowly to adjust to the bright light.

“Hey, buddy.” He looks to his right to see Josh, sitting in a chair next to the bed he’s in. He slowly looks around the room, recognizing it as Josh’s room.

“What happened?” His voice is dry and raspy, it doesn’t sound like his own.

“You had a bit of a panic attack, but your doing much better now.” Josh was still caresing Tyler’s head with his hand, and his eyes were soft, his smile kind. Oh, how he loved that smile. If that smile was the last thing he ever were to see, Tyler would die a happy man. It was like the sun, in fact the whole entire solar system, was concentrated and shaped into white teeth and pink lips. 

He really adored that smile.

“I love you, Tyler, and I’m sorry about what I said.” Josh’s tone changed, it was no longer soft and sweet, it was heavy and apologetic. “I was really worried, about what your mom was going to say to my mom, but it’s not an issue, okay?”

Tyler nodded, but didn’t speak because he was afraid he would cry. Before, he wouldn’t have had an issue with crying in front of Josh. Now, however, he didn’t want to seem weak in front of the other boy. He wanted to show him he was strong enough. He wanted to show him that he was strong enough and good enough for him.

“Can I lie down with you?” Tyler nodded again, and Josh slowly and carefully laid down next to him on the bed. It was a small twin, so it was a tight fit, but neither of them cared. Josh was on his back, his left arm wrapped around the smaller boy, pulling him close so Tyler’s head rested on his shoulder, and gently rubbing his back. His right arm steadied Tyler’s body, stroking the boy’s arm lovingly. Tyler was on his side, gently clutching Josh’s shirt with his left hand.

All it took was a few minutes and they both drifted into a peaceful sleep.

  
  



	19. show me your love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filler chapter but we need it for context so yeahhh  
> I LOVE MY ENGLISH CLASS SO MUCH- I take it at a local college (even though I'm in high school lol) and it's so fun we are writing essays on meaningful songs and I'm doing mine on Lane Boy and it's pretty lit not gonna lie. I know it's not the most meaningful of their songs but it has a lot of good figurative language and fit all the guidelines so it's what I went with. Also before any of y'all start thinking I'm smart cause I take college classes and APs it's not cause I'm smart it's cause it's the norm where I go to school #yaymentalbreakdowns  
> No trigger warnings, maybe brief referenced anorexia but idk.  
> ALsO I'm sorry my writing for this fic has been so shitty (for lack of a better word) lately. I've been working on my new piece "A Lack of Color" that isn't out yet, but I love it. Only three chapters in but it's a good time. Well, no. It's really depressing, but it's fun to write.

As Jenna sat at her desk, working on her thick stack of assignments, she couldn’t help but feel a little... odd. Generally, she was happy. She had good friends, an amazing boyfriend who actually liked her for who she was, and she was doing well in school. She was happy. Today, however, things weren’t sitting well. She was a little worried after not seeing Tyler or Josh at lunch, and they didn’t answer her texts. Brendon was leaving in three days but they hadn’t been able to find time to spend together since Saturday. But it wasn’t that, that was upsetting her. In fact, she wasn’t sure if there was anything upsetting her at all.

She was just upset.

But that’s depression and anxiety, making you sad and afraid even when you have no reason to be, even when your life is perfect.

“Jenna? Can you come down sweetheart?” Jenna groaned and put her pen down, begrudgingly getting up from her chair and heading downstairs, where her mom was in the kitchen.

“Yeah?” She tried to hide the annoyance in her voice but failed.

“Your father is working late again. What can I make you for dinner?” Her mom asked, opening the fridge to look at what they had.

“I’m not hungry.” She was about to turn around and leave but was interrupted by her mother.

“Jen, come on. I know you skipped breakfast, and probably lunch. You have to eat something. I can make you pasta, or a sandwich?”

“No thanks.” She mumbled.

“What about an omelet?” Her mom offered, pulling out a packet of mushrooms, a zucchini, and a yellow bell-pepper out of the fridge along with two eggs and some cheese.

“Yeah, fine.” Jenna knew it wasn’t worth arguing, it would just end badly.

“How was your week? We haven’t talked in a while.” Her mom busied herself chopping the assortment of vegetables while Jenna sat on one of the barstools, playing with a rubber band that had been left on the counter.

“Fine.” She didn’t elaborate until her mom looked up at her, giving her a suggestive look. “I went to the basketball game on Friday, and I had a date on Saturday.”

“A date? With a boy?” Her mom put down the knife, and looked up at her, her astonishment obvious in her face.

“Yes mom, a date. With my boyfriend.” Jenna didn’t know why, but she was extra irritable today.

“You have a boyfriend? Why didn’t you tell me?” Her mom sounded hurt, but Jenna didn’t feel guilty. She didn’t talk about things like this to her parents. Her parents were… They were nice people, they just criticized her a lot, and frankly, she was scared to talk to them.

“I don’t know mom.” Jenna sighed, pulling her legs up against her chest so her feet rested on the seat of the chair.

“Put your legs down, we’re not pigs here.” Her mom’s tone switched from sad to patronizing, and then switched to curious. “Is he a nice boy?”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy.” Jenna had to use every inch of her strength not to smile at even the mention of Brendon. 

“Good, good. Does he go to school with you?” Her mom turned to the stove and started cooking the different elements of the dish.

“No, he actually graduated last year. He’s a friend of Josh and Tyler.” Jenna explained.

“So he’s in college? I think he’s a little old for you, sweetheart.” Her mom was still facing the stove so Jenna rolled her eyes, reminded about why she didn’t want to tell her parents.

“Well he’s not technically in college. And he’s not that much older than me.”

“So he’s a drop out? Even worse.” Her mom put the finished omelet on a plate and set it in front of her on the counter.

“Look, if your just going to criticize me I’ll go to my room.” She sighed.

“Fine, fine. Eat up.” Her mom turned back around and started doing the dishes. Jenna picked up her fork and felt physically sick as the idea of eating. She carefully opened the omelet and started separating the vegetables from the egg and cheese, eating the mushrooms, zucchini, and the bell peppers on their own. Her mom gave her a sad look, as though to guilt trip her, and took the abandoned egg and tossed it in the compost bin. Jenna excused herself and walked up to her room, shutting the door behind her.

She picked up her cell phone and clicked on Brendon’s contact.

“Hello?” The sound of the voice on the other end of the phone was enough to make her smile.

“Hey, Bren.” She sat on the bed, curling up against the pillows.

“Hey, Jen, what’s up?”

“Not much, what are you up to?” It was already pretty late, but Jenna really wanted to see him. It could be the last time she was him for weeks.

“Just finished up band practice, I was just going to head home.” Brendon sounded as though he was walking, probably to his car.

“Can I join you? I want to see you.” 

“Did you miss me?” She felt, if she concentrated hard enough, as though she could hear Brendon grinning on the other side of the phone.

“Just a little.” She smiled shyly, even though she knew he couldn’t see her.

“I’ll pick you up in ten?”

“Perfect.” She hung up and felt a warm feeling creeping in her chest. After only hearing his voice she couldn’t stop smiling as she looked for something to wear. She settled on grey skinny jeans and a loose cream colored sweater.

She heard a knock on the door and froze. There were footsteps and then the front door opening. She creeped out her room and down the stairs, but stayed out of sight, only overhearing the conversation.

“Hello, my name’s Brendon. I’m here to pick up Jenna. You must me Mrs. Black.” Brendon was as charming as ever, and it made her smile.

“Hello, Brendon. Nice to meet you.” There was a hint of  _ something _ in her mother’s voice but she couldn’t identify what it was.

Before things could get too awkward, Jenna stood up and joined them in the hallway.

“Hey, Bren.” She smiled at him.

“Hey. Ready?” She nodded and stepped outside. “It was nice meeting you, Mrs. Black.” He smiled politely.

“You too. Jenna, be back by nine. It’s a school night.” Jenna gave her mom a quick okay and then shut the front door behind them

“Your mom doesn’t seem like my number one fan.” Brendon chuckled as they walked towards his car.

“She only just found out about you today, she’s a little surprised I managed to score the hottest guy in Ohio.” Jenna teased.

“Just Ohio? I’m thinking more like hottest guy in America.” Brendon opened the car door for her and she hopped in. He walked around and got behind the wheel, pulling out of the driveway.

“Where are we going?” She asked.

“I was thinking my place? My roommates are out and you’ve never seen it.” Brendon explained.

“Sounds like a plan.”

They drove the short distance to his apartment and went inside. It was a three bedroom with a small kitchen and living area. It was nice, but most importantly, it was affordable. They went to the couch, where Brendon put on a show, but mostly just for the background noise. Jenna noticed after a few minutes that he was staring, and it made her giggle.

“What are you looking at?” She tossed a pillow at him, and he caught it, setting it down.

“Just my pretty girlfriend.” He was grinning, and Jenna thought it was adorable. She shifted so she was closer to him and slowly leaned closer towards him, putting her hands on his shoulders and closing her eyes when Brendon closed the gap, pressing his lips softly against hers. He lifted his hands so they were gently holding either side of her face, the feeling of his surprisingly soft hand making her feel giddy. They seperated for a second, catching their breaths.

“You good?” He asked, his eyes sincere.

“Perfect.” She answered, a little breathless, before going back in for another kiss. This one was more passionate, and she felt Brendon’s hands slowly traveling down from her face, down her arms, and hen resting comfortably at her side. She shifted so that she had on leg on either side of Brendon, straddling over him. Brendon slowly moved his lips away from hers, smiling. He lifted on his hands and tucked a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I’m going to miss you.” He said.

“I’ll miss you more.” He flipped her around so she was sitting on his lap and held her close, lying down on the couch. They stayed like that until Jenna had to go home.

  
  



	20. empty positivity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is such a short chapter I am so sorry I just needed to include this but I don't have much to say.  
> I am developing a crush and I hate it so much..... I've always liked the guy but it doesn't help that he gave me like a little bit of attention on monday and now I can't stop thinking about it but like I am not in the state for a relationship right now?????  
> SO ANYWAY- I do have fun stuff planned for this fic I just need to sit down and write off  
> ALSOOOOOO I'M GOING TO THEIR CONCERT THIS WEEKEND I'M SO EXCITED I MIGHT CRY thank you and goodnight.

When Josh woke up on Tuesday, he wasn’t sure whether to be upset or relieved. After Tyler’s panic attack yesterday, he told his mom everything. From Tyler’s battles with mental illness to his sexuality and everything in between. Although she had taken it all pretty well, part of him felt guilty. First off, most of what he had said to her about Tyler was extremely personal, and it was wrong of him to spill his friend’s secrets like that. Secondly, Josh wasn’t the son his parents wanted, or deserved. They wanted grandkids, a real man, and he wasn’t that. He was just a scared, anxiety riddled teenager who also liked men. Part of him was disgusted with himself. He wasn’t homophobic, he just was afraid of being different. His own insecurities made him afraid of himself, he was afraid of his own insecurities. How poetic.

According to weather app, it was going to be pretty chilly today so he pulled on a pair of black jeans and a red knitted sweater. It’s very different than his usual band shirt, but it’s warm and it complements his lean body. He skips breakfast and heads to his car. He’s about to start the engine when his phone buzzes, it’s Tyler.

_ Tyler: hey _

_ Tyler: can I catch a ride? _

_ Tyler: if you haven’t left yet _

_ Josh: course _

_ Josh: I’ll be there in two minutes _

Josh can’t help but smile as he pulls out of the driveway. He drives the familiar rout to his best friend’s house and pulls up to the curb, where Tyler is already waiting.

“Hey.” The other boy doesn’t smile, just slouches in the passenger seat.

“Hey.” Josh tries to read his facial expression, but can’t. “You okay?”

“No, but I’ll be fine.” Tyler mutters. Josh starts driving.

“Did something happen?” Josh is only getting increasingly worried.

“My parents.” Tyler sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “They’re gonna send me to a conversion camp.”

Josh slams the break, thank God they are in a residential area.

“They’re WHAT?” Josh turns to look at Tyler.

“I told them I was really gay, mostly because I’m just so done with their shit. If I want to be with you, than I should be able to, right?” Tyler looks him in the eye, as though seeking validation.

“Well, duh, but are you sure telling them was the best idea? Those camps are dangerous, Ty.”

“Do you just want me to stay in the closet forever?” Tyler sounds annoyed, hurt even.

“No, of course not. Just maybe you should have waited until you’re eighteen and they don’t have control over you anymore.” Josh explained.

“I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy.” Tyler chuckles sarcastically, but his laugh is short and humorless.

“I don’t like this, Ty.” Josh continues driving after a car passes him angrily.

“Me neither.” He pauses. “But being scared isn’t going to help me. Being strong will.” Josh knows he’s right, but wishes they hadn’t been in this position in the first place.

“When is it?” Josh asks as he pulls into one of the empty parking lots on campus.

“During Thanksgiving break. Isn’t that convenient?” 

“Jesus.” Josh sighs.

“That’s right.” Tyler says with a sing song tone that makes Josh feel sick to his stomach. “I’m sorry for joking about it. It just makes it easier, you know?”

“Yeah, I get it.” Josh sighs again. Tyler reaches across the console between their to seats and takes Josh’s hand in his own. They intertwine fingers as though it is the most natural thing in the world, and after what felt like an hour but was probably less than a minute, they separate and head to class.

 

Josh goes home alone. He can’t stop thinking about Tyler, though. He worries about him all the time, but this is worse. At the conversion camp it won’t just be Tyler’s brain abusing him, it will be real people making him feel whole new levels of physical and psychological pain. Josh  remembers seeing a Criminal Minds episode with one. It was fictional, but the ideas were very much real. Shaved heads and tan clothing to strip the boys of their identities. No watches or clocks to teach authority. Electric shocks, overly stimulating videos, Bible study. Rape.

How could Josh just let this happen to him?

He couldn’t.

  
  



	21. I'll make it up to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: just sad tbh made me emo idk abt u
> 
> WOW I'M BIPOLAR is it obvious in my writing?   
> Found out I'm a super taster today-- no wonder everything with artificial sweeteners tastes gross to me lmao

Tyler was having a bad day.

All his teachers decided that their tests would be today, but he just couldn’t focus. Tyler was usually a good tester, a good student in general, but today he just couldn’t bring himself to focus on anything. Luckily, his tests were pretty easy, but he wouldn’t be surprised if he got some of the problems wrong just from a lapse in concentration.

His parents had been practically ignoring him. They didn’t let him leave the house unless it was for basketball or if he had a witness, like his brother. He wasn’t allowed to sit at the dinner table with him, and he was only allowed to speak to Zack, not his sister or Jay. It was humiliating. His father kept telling everyone he was sick. Tyler was in fact mentally ill, but being gay had nothing to with that.

After school, Josh invited Tyler and Jenna to hang out at his place. It was the last week of freedom before Tyler had back-to-back basketball games and long practices on weekends, and he wanted to spend it with his friends. They would usually have gone to Tyler’s place, but after his mom walked in on them, that was probably not a good idea. And now that Tyler had told them about him and Josh, it would only be worse. Zack offered to cover for him, saying that he and some of the basketball guys had gone out. Luckily his mom bought it, so he was able to spend the afternoon with them. He hope that being with his friends would offer a distraction from the hell hole his life had become. 

 

Jenna was already missing Brendon, who was off in Los Angeles pursuing the opportunity of a lifetime. They had talked a bit on the phone, and everything was going amazing. His band was already working with a big record label, the same one that Fall Out Boy had been working with, and it seemed as though they would have an album released within the year. Brendon was overjoyed and the three were all really proud of him.

However, part of Tyler was little bit jealous of the other boy who was actually going to have a shot at this whole band thing. He couldn’t picture himself at a desk from nine to five everyday for the rest of his life. He wanted more. He wanted a purpose, to do something meaningful, and part of him knew that writing lyrics was that-- but most of him chose to dismiss it. All he was supposed to do was get a job, get a wife, have kids, and settle down.

But he couldn’t even do that.

 

When they got to the other boy’s house, they went to kitchen to grab some snacks and then made their way to garage. Josh was eyeing him with concern. Tyler had been awfully quiet. He wasn’t feeling great, knowing that in only a couple weeks he was being sent away to have the gay beaten out of him. His plan was to say whatever they want him to say, do whatever they tell him to do, be whatever they want him to be.

Show no fear.

But he was afraid.

He was really fucking scared.

When Jenna excused herself to the bathroom, Josh pulled him aside into the hallway of the main part of the house.

“What’s wrong?” Josh’s voice was dripping with concern and sincerity and the deep chocolate eyes of the curly haired boy only made him even more upset. Why was it a sin to love? Why was it a sin to be loved?

“I don’t want to go.” Tyler’s voice came out higher than he wished it had, trembling with raw emotion. Tears were at the rim of his eyes, begging to come out. He let them, letting the quiet sobs escape him.

“I know, I know.” Josh pulled him into a hug. Tyler fought at first, tensing at the touch, but then let himself be enveloped by Josh’s strong arms and shear warmth. He let the other boy pet his hair and kiss the top of his head, and felt his shirt get wet from tears as Tyler buried his face into Josh’s chest. He never wanted to move, but eventually, he did pull away.

“I’m going to make sure this doesn’t happen, okay?” Tyler wanted to believe that determination and confidence in Josh’s voice, but he couldn’t.

“How?” Tyler asked, his voice raw from crying.

“I don’t know. We’ll find a way.”

He and Josh eventually make their way back to the garage, where Jenna is waiting patiently. She must of heard them because she seemed concerned but didn’t say anything.

“Why don’t we watch a movie?” Josh suggested, grabbing the remote.

“Sure.” Jenna spoke softly, sitting on the couch. The boys joined her. Tyler and Josh were on one end and Jenna was on the other, the snacks piled between them. They all had blankets draped over them. Under the blanket, Josh was holding Tyler’s hand.

In that moment, Tyler knew.

It was going to be okay.

They were going to be okay.

 

After Jenna and Tyler left later that night, Josh found his mom.

She was in her home office, typing away at her computer, and glanced up at him through her glasses when he stood in the doorway.

“Hey, honey.” She smiled and shit her computer, inviting him in. Josh gave her a short smile and took the seat across from her desk. “What’s up?”

“I have a problem.” He started. She waited for him to elaborate. “Tyler’s parents-- they want to send him to a conversion camp.”

“Oh…” She furrowed her brow. 

“I was just thinking, your a lawyer, this can’t be legal, right?” Josh leaned over, failing to hide his desperation through his eyes and body language. Who cares, he was desperate.

“Well, most of them get shut down for rape and child abuse. But the camps themselves aren’t illegal.” She explained.

“But there has to be something we can do, right?” Josh felt his voice tremble with emotion.

“He’s seventeen, Joshua. His parents have the right to do this if they want to.” She frowned.

“I know. But what if they hurt him, mom?” He was so afraid. Tyler was already so fragile. Josh wasn’t sure he could handle the trauma.

“Then I will do everything in my power to help, but right now, my hands are tied.” She sighed, standing up to put a hand on his shoulder. “Tyler is strong. He’ll be okay.”

Josh didn’t believe her.

  
  



	22. shaking shoulders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEY PEOPLE  
> here is another chapter cause I feel bad for having so many short chapters  
> TW: drinking, self harm  
> I AM SO PUMPED FOR THE CONCERT even though my tickets aren't great I AM LIVING

Jenna knew that Tyler and Josh were keeping something from her. She wasn’t upset about the secrecy, she understood that they were much closer and she hadn’t known them for very long, she was just worried about how upset they both were the night before. It was a difficult position to be in. She didn’t want to pry into their personal business but she also wanted them to know that she was there and that she wanted to help, if she could.

She was home now, Josh had dropped her off after Tyler had to go home. There was nothing homely about her house. There was always a tension in the air. Her dad would get home late, angry and looking to get drunk. Her mother was in denial about everything: her moody husband, her depressed daughter, her dead son. There were no pictures of them, no extra furniture than what was necessary, no paintings. Nothing that made it home. She would rather be anywhere in the world but that house.

After Josh had dropped her out, she spent a while just sitting on the front porch. There was still light even though it was getting late so she enjoyed, or at least tried to enjoy, the sunset. It didn’t compare to the Californian sunsets, but it was still pretty. She opened her phone, scrolling thoutlessly through Instagram, but then reached a post that caught her attention. It was made by David, an old friend of her brothers. It was a picture of him and an awfully familiar face.

Her brother.

Her breath caught as she held the phone, hand trembling, and read the caption.

_ Three years ago Sam and I officially became friends. I miss him so much. Hope you are still playing the trumpet up in the stars, you always loved outer space. _

She put a hand above her mouth, as though it would hold back the sobs. Tears started to trickle down her cheeks. She sometimes forgot that she wasn’t the only one to lose him. Unlike herself, her brother was an extremely well-liked individual. He was on the choir, in marching band, part of the jazz ensemble, president of the Model United Nations club, and extremely smart. He had a good group of friends and stayed out of trouble.

Everyone wanted to be like him.

She hit the comment button, but wasn’t sure what to say. She hadn’t spoken to anyone from her old life since she moved, but who could blame her? No one spoke to her face, but they all would whisper behind her back. 

_ I’m sure he’s part of a whole symphony up there. _

She hits the ‘send’ button and shuts off her phone.

It was hard. Most days it was just a dull pain in the back of her mind, always there but not enough to bother her. Some days, however, there was sharp reminder of what she had lost, and how she should have been the one to die.

That might be dramatic, but on paper, it was true. Sam was good person- kind, happy, smart, and dedicated. She wasn’t a  _ bad  _ person, but she had her fair share of flaws. She was anxious, sad, a little awkward, and sarcastic. She wasn’t stupid, but she was pretty average.

It shouldn’t have been him.

It should have been her.

 

Eventually she musters up the courage to walk into the house. She eases off her coat and hangs it up on the hooks near the entrance. She can hear indistinct voices coming from the living room so walks down the hall to try to listen in.

“You’re such a dumb, bitch. It’s all your fault.” She can hear the slurring voice of her father and his words feel like daggers in her heart, she can only imagine what her mother is feeling.

“My fault? It was MY fault? I asked YOU to pick him up. But YOU insisted he get a ride with a friend. It was NOT my fault.” Her mother screams, her voice raspy and scratchy from tears. It makes her feel sick to her stomach.

“EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS MY FAULT.” Her father screams. She hears him slump down into the couch, and sob. She’s never  _ heard _ her father cry. He was a traditional man, and if he did shed tears, they were always silent. His sobs were heavy and thick, full of emotion that has been begging to be released.

“He’s gone, sweetheart. We have to  _ move on. _ ” Her mom’s voice is still shaky, but has softened significantly as she comforts the man.

“I can’t believe he’s gone.” Her father whispers, still sobbing.

Jenna slowly walks up the staircase to her bedroom.

She had been wrong this whole time.

Her father wasn’t a pathetic alcoholic, he was a grieving father.

Her mother wasn’t ignorant, she was trying to move on.

And Jenna was just a selfish daughter.

The guilt hit her in the chest first, seizing her breathing. It coursed through her veins and took over each cell of her body and turned them all against her. The guilt and the self hatred burned like a wildfire, making her feel hot and turning her skin red.

She walked to the bathroom and pulled out the box of razor blades.

It had been a long time since she’s cut. She usually turned to other coping methods- binge eating, exercising until she collapsed, or starving herself. She saved the razor blades for the worst of it. For when she needed to feel high, to feel warm and fuzzy from the loss of blood. For the visual of seeing all her flaws leak out of her body and onto the cold, tile floor.

She stared at the box.

She knew she shouldn’t. 

She couldn’t. Not after seeing Tyler in the bathroom, trembling and afraid. If he could be strong enough for her, she could be strong enough for him.

Shaking, she stand up and puts the box back in the drawer and heads to her bedroom.

She skips dinner instead, opting to fall asleep early.

  
  



	23. prove me wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> GET READY TO CRY  
> TW: implied self harm, sad stuff, so sweet it will make your teeth hurt  
> TIP: listen to Prove Me Wrong by our boy Tyler Joseph for the best effect  
> Also get ready the next chapter is gonna be LONG so I won't post for a while. By long I mean maybe even 10k words or something crazy so get excited. Also grab tissues.  
> I'M SORRY IN ADVANCED FOR CHAPTER 24  
> also tysm for 1000 hits I am shocked so many people have come across my story wow

As Tyler and Josh stood off to the side by the stage, they were silent. It was already late, 8:00 pm on a Sunday, and they were getting ready to play at the Hillcrest Cafe. It was a quiet night, maybe a dozen or so people, but that didn’t stop the nerves, the fear. Among the crowd was Jenna, Zack, and Josh’s mom, the only people who knew about them. No one from their school, no other family, just a few old couples and the people they trust.

Nex thing they know, the band performing before them was done playing their last song.

The two boys, dressed in matching black skinny jeans and white button downs, step onto the stage. For the first time in who knows how long, Tyler let his bare arms be shown, praying that no one sees in the dim lighting. Tyler walks over to the upright piano and sat on the bench, running his fingers over the keys without pressing them down. Josh walks over to the drum kit and holds the wooden sticks in his hands, glancing over at him.

Tyler adjusts the microphone, leaning close to it.

“Hi. My name is Tyler Joseph, this is my buddy Josh Dun,” He gestures awkwardly to the drummer with one hand. “And we are Twenty One Pilots.” His voice was shaky, the nerves and uncertainty painfully obvious. Jenna and Zack cheer and clap ridiculously loud, the only sound in an otherwise quiet room, making him smile but burn red with embarrassment nonetheless.

Tyler pushes down on the keys and starts their first song, Johnny Boy. He feels his confidence build as he becomes part of him. It was as though the music was a part of him, he could feel it in his bones, in his voice, in his eyes as he squeezes them shut and just  _ sings _ .

Before he knows it, the song is over. He hears clapping, and looks over to Josh who is grinning widely. His vision is blurry but he smiles too, and the two share a reassuring look.

And they start the next song.

After the last song, Josh stands out and heads towards the side of the stage, but Tyler stays at the piano. Everyone is looking at him funny, but he doesn’t budge.

He still has one last song.

“One last song, but I’ll be solo for this one. It goes out to my best friend in the entire world.” Tyler says into the microphone, earning ‘awws’ from the audience. Josh gives him a confused look, but makes his way to the table where his mom, Zack, and Jenna are sitting. His mom gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, but the boy’s attention is fixed on Tyler, who is still sitting at the piano.

The singer starts to play a melody.

 

_ I don't know _

_ Where I am supposed to go _

_ So I might just _

_ Take my pride and go _

_ Some people, they know, know everything _

_ But I know that they don't know my heart _

 

Josh puts a hand over his mouth, his heart pounds fast, threatening to break out of his chest, and he feels a smile creep on to his lips. 

 

_ Cause I, oh yeah, I believe in love _

_ And I hope I can show you what I mean _

_ And I don't believe love's for me, oh _

_ So won't you come around and prove me wrong _

 

From his place on the piano, Tyler smiles, tears in his eyes but love in his heart. It’s a bittersweet night for the two of them. Their first concert, but also their last night together before he is taken away and put through God knows what.

 

_ Won't walk the world _

_ Any different _

_ And my path won't change until you _

_ Make a wall and make me fall _

_ And break me down _

 

_ I don't know, no, I don't know _

_ If I wrote this song in vain _

_ Vain, in vain, vain _

 

By now, Josh is crying. The tear are silent, but they are there. He can’t help but wonder what he has done to deserve this boy, and what the other boy has done to deserve being sent to a conversion camp. But for now, he pushes down the anger and the  _ fear _ and focuses on the love, on the sweet words, and on the moment.

 

_ Oh, yeah _

_ And I - oh, yeah I _

_ Believe in love _

_ And I hope I can show you what I mean _

_ And I don't believe love's for me _

_ So won't you come around and prove me wrong _

 

_ Prove me wrong, yeah _

 

_ You don't know me _

_ And I don't know you _

_ Tell me, what should I do? _

_ Oh... _

 

_ So won't you come around and prove me wrong _

 

“Thank you, everyone, we were Twenty One Pilots.” Tyler says into the microphone, voice raspy compared to his singing. The audience claps and Josh has to resist the urge to run up on stage and hug and kiss Tyler right then and there. The pianist walks off stage and they find each other, Josh standing from his chair to pull the smaller boy into a tight hug. They whisper into each other’s ears  _ we did it, I love you, thank you _ and eventually pull away, sharing embraces and accepting congratulations from their friends and family.

Tyler goes back to Josh’s place after, Zack promising to cover for him for an hour so that the two boys can have a moment alone, when they make it back up to his bedroom, the two fall into each other’s arms, only for Josh to pull away.

“Tyler… That song… I don’t know what to say. It was beautiful.” Josh gushed, and Tyler chuckled softly, reaching out to stroke his arm lovingly.

“I was thinking about what you said, about how I wrote a song for Jenna but not for you...” The singer explained.

“So you wrote a song for me.” Josh finished for him, smiling.

“So I wrote you a song.” At that Josh pulled him back in for a hug, kissing him on the cheek and stroking him all over lovingly.

“I am going to kill them if they so much as lay a hand on you.” Josh mumbles into Tyler’s ear.

“I’ll be fine, I promise.” Tyler isn’t sure if he’s talking to Josh so much as he’s talking to himself. He was afraid, and he should be. These camps were notorious for being physically, mentally, and sexually abusive. They thought their faith was greater than anything, but Tyler didn’t believe in any religion that condoned child abuse, no matter what.

“Can I kiss you?” Josh pulls away slightly to ask, and Tyler nods. With that, they push their lips together for the last time in a long time.

  
  



	24. the judge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> here it is  
> the climax of our story  
> enjoy  
> TW: mentions of sexual assault but no description  
> lots of court stuff  
> can you tell I do mock trial  
> I am literally wearing my mock trial sweatshirt  
> I am trash I know  
> okay bye  
> also concert tomorrow  
> okay bye for real

“All rise, Superior Court of the State of Ohio, County of Franklin, Department four, is now in session. Judge Andrews presiding, please be seated and come to order. Please turn off all cell phones and refrain from talking.” The bailiff's voice rang out in the deadly silence of the crowded courtroom.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.” The Judge was an older man and his voice was tired as he spoke from behind his massive wooden desk that towered over the rest of the people in the courtroom that afternoon. “Calling the case of Tyler Joseph versus Mr. Andy Perry of the New Hope Therapy Program. Are both sides ready?”   
Tyler’s attorney stood up from their side of the room and spoke loud and confidently.

“Ready, Your Honor.”

“Likewise, Your Honor.” The attorney that was representing the administration of the conversion camp stood up. In that moment Josh decided he hated this person, no matter who they were. He knew that it was the man’s job, but anyone who could  _ defend _ the people who were responsible for ruining Tyler’s life were enemies in Josh’s eyes.

“Will the clerk please swear in the jury?” The Judge spoke again.   
“Will the jury please stand and raise your right hand?” The court clerk stood and directed her attention to the jury on the right hand side of the room. Josh examined the faces of each of the twelve people in the room, trying to figure out just by looking at them whether or not they would be able to do Tyler justice. Tyler needed Justice. “Do each of you swear that you will fairly try the case before this court, and that you will return a true verdict according to the evidence and the instructions of the court, so help you, God? Please say ‘I do’.” There was a chorus of  ‘I dos’ from the people standing. “You may be seated.”   
“The prosecution may begin their opening statements.” The Judge addressed the court. Tyler’s lawyer stood up and started her speech.

After they were able to get Tyler out of the camp, Josh’s family took Tyler in. He was eighteen after he was released from the hospital anyway, so he didn’t even really  _ need _ his family. Josh’s mom had made sure to find them the best lawyer they could afford as she couldn’t represent him herself, which would have been a conflict of interest. The lawyer was young, but smart and quick on her feet. Josh prayed she was good enough.   
“Your Honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury: the defendant has been charged with the crime of verbally, physically, and  _ sexually _ abusing minors, children. The evidence will show that my client was one of fourteen young men who were repeatedly beaten, starved, insulted, and raped over the course of a week at New Hope Therapy Program, a conversion camp right here in Ohio. The program has been doing this for well over a decade, putting over five hundred innocent children through the same trauma that my client, Tyler Joseph, had to endure. The question in this case is not whether or not homosexuality is ‘okay’, it is whether or not we should allow the church, an organization known for its unconditional love, to hurt our youth.”

The attorney sat down, leaning over to whisper something to Tyler, who nodded, his skinny body shaking under the suit that tented over his shoulders. Josh wish he could sit up there with him, but he couldn’t.

All he could do was watch.

Thankfully, Tyler wouldn’t have to testify today. His doctors decided he was too fragile, and that even if they could get him to speak, if the attorney performing cross examination was too aggressive, it could end really badly. Although Tyler’s testimony would have been incredibly powerful, it wasn’t worth risking his health.

“Thank you. Would the defense like to share their opening now or wait until the prosecution rests their case?” The Judge directs his attention to the left of the room, where the defense attorney stands in his stiff suit and clears his voice.

“Now, please. Your Honor and ladies and gentlemen of the jury. New Hope Therapy Program is dedicated to helping troubled youth in our community. The parents of these children have noticed unhealthy thoughts and behaviors and acted to give them the support and help to get over them. With the help of the therapists and administration, as well as the guidance of rules put in place to protect them, these children are guided and supported. As the prosecution said, this case isn’t about whether or not homosexuality is ‘okay’, it is about protecting an organization that has done nothing but help the children who go through it.”

Josh feels sick to his stomach. He loosens the tie that suddenly feels to tight his neck and watches at the attorney move towards the bench to confer with the judge.

“The prosecution has moved to enter exhibits A through G to be considered for evidence, does the defense object?” The judge speaks into the microphone for everyone to hear. The attorneys move back to their desks and the prosecution stands to respond.

“No, your honor.” The man replies before taking his seat.

“Very well. In that case, the prosecution may call its first witness.” Now Tyler’s attorney stands. “Calling the arresting officer, officer Martinez to the stand.” The Bailiff takes the witness, a strong looking man dressed in a police uniform, to the witness stand.   
“Please stand. Raise your right hand.” The clerk walks up to the witness stand and addresses the witness. “Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”   
“I do.” The officer responds, his voice loud, sharp, and confident in the quiet courtroom.   
“Please state your first and last name for the court.” The clerk speaks again.   
“Jorge Martinez.” The officer states, glancing between the judge, the attorney, and the jury.   
“You may be seated.” The officer sits at the seat in the witness stand and the clerk goes back to her respective desk by the judge’s bench. Tyler’s attorney stands so she is in front of the stand but at a respectful distance.   
“Officer, where do you work?” She starts.   
“I have worked for the Ohio Police Department for the past ten years.”

“In your time working for the department, do you see much violent crime?”

“Objection, relevance?” The defense attorney stands.

“Response, counsel?” The judge shifts back to the prosecution.

“Goes to show the severity of the crime.” Tyler’s attorney explains.

“Hmm. I’ll allow it. Overruled, counsel.” The defense attorney sits down.

“Would you like me to repeat the question?” The prosecution lawyer redirects her attention back to the witness on the stand.

“No thanks. We don’t usually get much violent crime here, no. It’s a pretty safe city, all things considered.”   
“Thank you, sir. Were you on duty on the afternoon of November 23rd?”

“Yes. I was assigned to patrol the area between the city and the suburban part of Columbus.”

“Did you receive a call that day?”

“I did. I received a call at 2:43 reporting violence at a location just outside the city, there were no further details given in the call.”   
“What did you do next?”

“Well, I was the closest officer to the scene, so naturally I drove to the location.”

“What did you find when you got there?”

“It looked like some sort of farm, but there were no animals in sight. There were buildings, one of which resembled a church. I was directed by a young man, who appeared distrest, to one of the buildings. When I entered-”

“Objection, narrative.” The defense attorney stood up, interrupting the officer in the middle of his sentence.

“Sustained. Break it up, counsel.” The judge addressed Tyler’s attorney.   
“What did you find in the building?” The attorney asked without skipping a beat.

“It was a horrific sight, frankly. There was a young man, limbs sprawled, in the middle of the floor, bleeding from his mouth. He was entirely naked, scars and fresh wounds littering his skinny body.”

“Is that boy in the court right now?”

“Yes ma'am. He is seated to your right.”

“You honor, may the record be shown that the prosecution has identified the victim Tyler Joseph to be present in court today?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you, your honor.” The attorney turns back to the witness. “ Officer, was there anyone else in the room?”

“No, it was empty. It was as though he had been abandoned there.”

“What did you do next?”

“I called an ambulance and waited for it arrive.”

“Did Tyler say anything to you while you waited?”

“No, he was completely out of it. He was muttering nonsense quietly under his breath, but just layed curled up on the cold tile floor. I tried to take off my jacket and cover him with it, but he got totally spooked so kept my distance, I couldn’t even take his vitals he was so skittish. The paramedics had to sedate him to get him in the ambulance.”

“Thank you, no further questions your honor.”

“Does the defense have any cross examination?” The judge asks.

“Yes, your honor.” The defense attorney stands and faces the officer in the stand. “In conducting your investigation, you found that none of the other participants of the program had sever physical injuries, correct?”

“Define severe. All of the children had scars and fresh wounds.”

“But none of them were life threatening?”

“Physically, no.”

“And who inflicts these minor cuts?”

“The people of New Hope.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Well, who else would have done it?”

“Did you walk in to them hitting the children?”

“No--”

“Did you see them hurting or assaulting the children in any way?”

“Not technically--”

“No further questions, your honor.”

The defense attorney strides across the room and sits back down behind the desk, leaving the officer flustered and slightly irritated on the stand.

“May this witness be excused?” Tyler’s attorney stands up again.

“Yes.” The judge responds as the officer is led off the stand and back into the benches. “Does the prosecution have any other witnesses?”   
“Yes, Your Honor. The People call Dr. Dale to the stand.”   
The Bailiff reappears, this time with an older man in a suit with kind eyes and greying hair following behind him. The clerk meets them at the witness stand.   
“Please stand.” The clerk states. “Raise your right hand. Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case now before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”   
“I do.”   
“Please state your first and last name.   
“Dr. Ethan Dale.”

“You may be seated.” The clerk makes her way back to her desk as the doctor settles into the witness stand. The prosecution attorney is already ready to ask questions.   
“Where do you work, what do you do?” 

“I am a doctor at St. Mary’s hospital in Columbus.”

“In non-medical terms, please, what do you do?”

“I work with special victims of particularly traumatizing cases, such as car accidents or assaults.”

“In your time as a doctor, what has been the worst case you have seen?”

“If I am being completely honest, it was the case of Tyler Joseph. The young man came in not only with physical wounds, but emotional trauma so bad he had to be sedated for the first twenty four hours of treatment.”

“Objection, more prejudicial than probative.” The defense attorney stood again.

“Overruled.”

“Dr. Dale, can you please describe in detail Tyler’s state when he was admitted to the hospital?”

“Mr. Joseph was in bad shape. He was extremely underweight from malnutrition, dehydrated, he had many surface wounds- some fresh and bloody, some old scars. He also had three broken ribs, and there was evidence of sexual abuse.”

“What was the treatment plan?”

“We tried to use a tube to feed him, but he would just try to rip it out so we had to stop doing that for a while. Some of the surface wounds were deep enough to require stitches, others were just bandaged and left to heal on their own.”

“Thank you, no further questions.”

“Any cross examination by the defense?” The judge asks.

“Yes, your honor.” The defense attorney stands and walks to the floor. “Dr. Dale. You said some the wounds were old, how old were they?”

“Some were years old, others only a few weeks old.”

“And how would you say these wounds came to be?”

“They were most likely self inflicted, judging by the nature of the cuts.”

“As for the malnutrition, in your professional opinion, could that really have been just from spending a few days in the therapy program?”

“I suppose not--”

“No further questions.”

Josh remembered the day Tyler was admitted to the hospital like it was yesterday. He was at home with his family, the Friday after Thanksgiving, when they received a call. Apparently Tyler had been asking for him, the only coherent words he was speaking. He and his mom got in the and drove to the hospital, where they waited for almost three hours before they finally got to see him. When they got to his room, he was asleep from the heavy medication. Josh sat by the bed and cried, holding Tyler’s cold, limp hand. It was one of the worst days of his life.

“Does the prosecution wish to call it’s next witness?” The sound of the judge’s voice brings him out of his thoughts.

“Yes your honor, calling Dr. White to the stand.”

Once the doctor is sworn in and settled in the stand, Tyler’s attorney proceeds with the questions.

“Dr. White, what do you do at Saint Mary’s?”

“I am a child psychiatrist.”

“Did you work on Tyler’s case?”

“Yes, I have been working on Mr. Joseph’s case from day one.”

“In what mental state was Tyler throughout his stay at Saint Mary’s?”

“He was afraid. He resisted treatment, and has to be sedated for any procedures that involved physical touch. He was non verbal and easily spooked.”

“What have you diagnosed him with, in his time as a patient?”

“We have found him to be suffering with PTSD, a version comparable to that of a victim of abuse or even torture. We have also diagnosed him with depression and a clinically relevant anxiety disorder.”

“How long did it take for Tyler to show signs of trust again?”

“It took him approximately a week to allow us to change bandages without sedation, which still had to be done slowly and carefully. He began to speak after fifteen days. At three weeks- fifteen day- we released him from inpatient care and transitioned him into the therapy program.”

“Can you describe the therapy program for the court?”

“Sure. Patients live and sleep at home, but return to the hospital from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm to take part in daily therapies- spoken one on one with therapists, group therapy, art and musical programs, and even physical therapy. They complete exposure tasks and are taught methods that will help them cope with their mental illnesses in the future.”

“How has Tyler been doing, as part of this program?”

“Well, he has definitely made a lot of progress, but it’s not exactly a smooth climb to perfection. There have been good days, and bad days.”

“Thank you, no further questions, your honor.”

“Does the defense have any cross examination?” The judge addresses the other side of the room.

“Yes, your honor.” The defense attorney stands and walks to the middle of the room.

“Dr. White, you mentioned that Mr. Joseph has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, is that correct?” The attorney’s voice was cocky, and Josh didn’t like it one bit.

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it true that he had been mentally ill  _ long _ before going to New Hope?”

“Depression and anxiety were pre existing--”

“And isn’t--”

“Excuse me, counsel, but I didn’t finish my previous answer. Although there were pre existing issues with depression and anxiety, they were worsened after the trauma and there was something new: PTSD. Probably from being beaten and raped for three days by people saying they were on a mission for God.”

The whole courtroom was silent, as though frozen in time. It was incredibly rare that witnesses talked back to the attorneys, and Josh felt so  _ thankful _ that this doctor was truly  _ defending _ Tyler on the stand.

“No further questions, your honor.” The attorney sounded flustered and irritated as he took a seat back at his desk, whispering angrily at his clients.

“Okay then. Does the prosecution wish to call it’s final witness?” The judge addresses Tyler’s attorney.

“Yes. Calling Joshua Dun to the stand.” Josh’s heart feels as though it is about to burst out his chest and he feels the urge to  _ run _ . Instead, he stands up shakily and adjust his tie, before walking past the rows of people to the stand. He takes a seat, but just as quickly the clerk asks him to stand back up.

“Raise your right hand. Do you promise that the testimony you shall give in the case now before this court shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?”

“I do.” His voice is quiet, but luckily the room is deadly quiet so they can hear him regardless. He sits back down and adjusts the small microphone.

For the first time during the whole trial, he catches a glimpse of Tyler, who is sitting at the desk in front of the stand. His eyes are red and puffy, his skin pale. Tyler isn’t making eye contact, instead he looks like he is intently focusing on a piece of paper in front of him, probably to keep himself from breaking down right then and there.

It breaks Josh’s heart.

“Good evening, Mr. Dun.”

“Good evening.”

“How do you know Tyler Joseph?”

“Tyler’s been my best friend forever.” He pauses. Talking on the stand is more difficult than he could have even imagined. “We have literally known eachother since we were newborns.”

“Before the incident, how would you have described your relationship?

“We were inseparable. We trusted each other, with everything.”

“Did that change, after November 23rd?”

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath. “Tyler, in the hospital, it was like he didn’t know who I was. He didn’t let me touch him, he flinched at voice. He didn’t trust me.”

“How were you involved in Tyler’s recovery?”

“Although he seemed…  _ afraid _ of me, for lack of a better word, the doctors, they said he was asking for me, the day he was admitted. I stayed with him every day and every night. I only left when my parents made me, to shower or eat something. I stayed by his side, the whole time.”

“Has your relationship with him gone back to how it was before all of this in the months since he was first admitted to the hospital?”

“It has improved. But I don’t know if it will ever go back to normal. Tyler doesn’t trust anyone any more. He has lost faith in humanity.”

“Why did you choose those words, ‘lost faith in humanity’?”

“He doesn’t smile, or laugh anymore. He seems to think that darkness lurks around every corner, he has forgotten the good in life, the good in people.”

“Thank you, no further questions, your honor.” The attorney gives him a sympathetic smile and returns to her spot next to Tyler, who still hasn’t looked up.

“Does the defense have any cross examination?” The judge’s voice is louder, crisper from the witness stand.

“Yes, your honor.” The attorney looks even ruder from the front, if that’s possible. “Did you know Tyler was struggling with anxiety and depression, before November 23rd”

“Yes.” Josh tried to remember all the things Tyler’s attorney had prepared him for when he was first asked to be a witness. She said he would try to trip him up, twist his words and use them against him.

“Did you ever try to get him help?”

“I supported him in every way I could. We talked about what was bothering him, and I did what I could to keep him safe from himself.”

“But you never got him professional help? Even though you knew he was struggling?

“Objection, compound question.”

“Sustained. Break it up, counsel.”

“Did you ever get Tyler  _ professional  _ help?”

“Back then we were both minors. There was nothing more that I could do other than be there for him, and for a kid I think I did a pretty good job.”

“So is that a no?”

“No, I did not get him professional help.”

“No further questions.”

As he was excused from the witness stand, it felt like he was drowning. Tyler’s attorney gave him a reassuring smile, but he still felt so  _ guilty  _ for some reason. As he slid into one of the rows of benches, his mom pulled him close into a side-hug, pressing her lips against his temple and rubbing his arm lovingly.

“Is the defense ready with its case?” The judges voice brings Josh back into reality.   
“Yes, Your Honor. Calling Mr. Perry to the stand.”

They swear him in and the defense attorney stands to ask his questions.

“Tell us a little bit about yourself, Mr. Perry.”

“My name is Andy Perry. I am the founder and program director of New Hope Therapy Program for Troubled Youth.”

“How long have you been with New Hope?”

“I have been running the program for seventeen years now.”

“Wow. Many children must have passed through since then.”

“Yes, we have had approximately five hundred young men who have partaken in our therapies.”

“Has participation shown positive results for the children and parents?”

“Yes, we have always received positive feedback from the worried parents.”

“Worried… Why do you say worried?”

“All the parents, and us as program administrators, want is for the the kids to get better. We get some troubled young men, and we just want to help them as best we can.”

“Do you remember Mr. Joseph?”

“Yes, the poor kid. Out of the hundreds of young men who passed through our program he was by far the most troubled.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well, not only was he a homosexual, but he was just… odd. A total outcast.”

“One final question, Mr. Perry, was your program responsible for the trauma Joseph supposedly had to endure?”

“No, it would not be possible.”

“Thank you. No further questions.”

“Would the prosecution like to cross examine the witness?”

“Yes, your honor.” Tyler’s attorney stands and makes her way to the center of the room.

“So, Mr. Perry, you said that the children that pass through your program are troubled?”

“Yes.”

“Do you ever have to discipline them, or reprimand them?”

“Sometimes.”

“Have you ever used physical punishment?”

“Objection, more prejudicial than probative.” The other lawyer stands.

“Response, counsel?” The judge asks.

“I think whether or not the program directors use physical punishment is extremely relevant to a case involving a charge of physical abuse.”

“Overruled. The prosecution may proceed with cross examination.”

“Thank you, your honor.” The attorney turns back to the witness. “So, have you ever used any sort of physical punishment?”

“Sure, we think it’s part of discipline.”

“Thank you, no further questions, your honor.” The attorney sits down and the desk and leans over, whispering something to Tyler. Josh thinks that maybe he can overhear what she says by concentrating really hard, but with no avail.

“The defense calls Kelly Joseph to the stand.” Josh snaps back in when he hears that familiar name. He knew they asked her to testify, but he had no idea she would actually go through with it. What kind of mother testified against her own son?

“Good evening, Mrs. Joseph.” The attorney starts his line of questioning.

“Good evening.” Josh feels sick at how  _ happy _ she sounds to be there.

“How would you describe your son?”

“Well, he was a star athlete, and a good student. But aside from that, I could see that he was truly troubled. Joshua was his only friend, really. And he was cutting, and seemed really depressed

“Why did you send your son to New Hope Therapy Program?”

“Aside from his other… issues, it was when I found he was having feelings about men, that’s when I thought I would intervene.”

Josh couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t hear Tyler’s own  _ mother _ talk about him like that anymore. He slid out of the bench and went towards the heavy wooden door, all eyes on him as he opens it and runs down the hall. The door shuts loudly behind him, and he goes to the men’s bathroom. He walks up the sinks and looks in the mirror. His eyes are red and puffy from tears he didn’t know he was crying. His hair was longer than usual, in desperate need of a trim, and his cheeks were tear stained. He slowly folds down into a crouched position under the counter and tries to regain control of his breathing.

After some time, he hears the door open, and a familiar voice.

“Josh?” Brendon calls his name out, his voice echoing in the small, otherwise empty bathroom.

“I’m here.” He slowly and shakily stands up from his crouched position to see a worried look on his friend’s face. Brendon sighs in relief and pulls into a hug. Josh allows himself to fall into the embrace, but doesn’t hug back. He can’t find the motivation.

“They took a short recess, but the defense finished their case and they’re about to start closing arguments. I think you should be there for that.”

Josh nods and follows Brendon out of the room, where he can see his mom waiting outside, looking anxious.

“Are you okay, did you have a panic attack?” He feels guilty for making her worry.

“I’m fine. Let’s go back inside.”

The three walk back inside of the courtroom and find their seats.

The judge bangs his gavel.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am now going to read to you the law that you must follow in deciding this case. To prove the crime charged against the defendant, the prosecution must prove three things to you: First, that the defendant physically, psychologically, and sexually assaulted the victim. These charges can be made differently, and you will be asked to find the defendant guilty on each charge individually. Second, you need to find that the victim did not consent to this abuse; and third, that the defendant intended to abuse the victim. If each of you believes that the prosecution proved all three of these things beyond a reasonable doubt, then you should find the defendant guilty. But if you believe the prosecution did not prove any one of these things beyond a reasonable doubt, then you must find the defendant not guilty. Proof beyond a reasonable doubt does not mean beyond all possible doubt. It means that you must consider all of the evidence and that you are very sure that the charge is true.” The judge pauses, taking a breath. “That being said, are you ready with final arguments?”

Both of the attorneys chime in their agreements.   
Tyler’s attorney stands up first.

“Your Honor, and ladies and gentlemen of the jury: The judge has told you that we must prove three things. There is absolutely no question about the first two things we must prove. First, the victim suffered the physical injuries consistent with sexual and physical abuse, as we have seen from Dr. Dale’s testimony and medical report. He also suffered the psychological consequences of abuse, as shown by Dr. White’s findings. Nothing says victim of trauma like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Second, the program director  _ himself _ testified that they use physical discipline on the program participants. Therefore, all we have to prove is that the defendant intended to hurt Tyler, an innocent child. The defendant admitted to having extremely negative views against not only homosexuals, but people suffering from mental illness. He seems to believe that these ‘troubles’, as he calls them, can simply be beaten out of a person. He thought he could beat it out of Tyler. He just made it worse. Based on the evidence, you must find the defendant guilty.”

Tyler’s attorney walks back to her spot behind the desk, and the defense attorney stands.   
“Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury: Mr. Perry is just a devout catholic trying to help the struggling youth of his community. He opened the New Hope Therapy Program seventeen years ago and has been helping young men every since, never before receiving a complaint for malpractice. Remember that under the law my client is presumed to be innocent. The prosecution must prove every part of its case beyond a reasonable doubt – that means that you must be very sure. One of the things they must prove is that my client intended to hurt Mr. Joseph in the way he did. My client is the only person who knows what he intended, and testified under oath that he wasn’t trying to make Mr. Joseph’s condition worse, but was actually trying to help him, as he was asked to do by the young man’s own mother, who at the time had the legal authority to decide what was best for her child.. The prosecution has presented no real evidence to you to show that this is not true. That means that there is a reasonable doubt and, therefore, you must find my client not guilty.”   
The jury leaves the room in order to deliberate the case, leaving a sickening stillness in the court that made Josh’s stomach turn. After what felt like an eternity, they come back into the room.

“Will the jury foreperson please stand?” The judge looks towards the jury box where a middle aged man stands up. “Has the jury reached a unanimous verdict?”   
“Yes.” The man says. Josh’s heart tightens in his chest.

The clerk stand up and gets the verdict form from the foreperson and hands it to the judge. The judge reads it silently before handing it back to the clerk for the reading of the verdict. The room is still as everyone waits in anticipation.   
“The jury finds the defendant guilty.” Relief. All Josh can feel in that moment is pure relief. He exhales, releasing a breath he did not know he had been holding, and relaxes in the bench.   
“The jury is thanked and excused. Court is adjourned.” The judge stands up and leaves through the back of the room, which Josh took as his cue to slip out of the bench and walk towards the front of the room, where Tyler is shaking his attorney’s hand. When Tyler sees him, he gives him the slightest smile, which is enough to make Josh’s day on it’s own. Josh steps closer, slowly, cautiously, but Tyler takes him by surprise, pulling him into a soft hug.

“Thank you so much.” Tyler whispers into his ear. “You have done so much for me in the last few months, and I know it hasn’t been easy for you. Thank you so much. For everything.”

“I love you.” Josh whispers.

“I love you too.” And with that, Josh lets the tears he had been holding back all day escape and wraps his arms around Tyler tighter, pulling the other boy close.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IN THE COMMENTS LET ME KNOW:  
> \- do you want more?  
> \- if so, time hop or start from where I left off?  
> \- have you checked out my new fic? no? well you should- it's called "A Lack of Color"


	25. anathema

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello people  
> 1) This chapter takes place a little after the trial. I have decided that the next few chapters will be epilogue style to wrap up loose ends and so that I can stop torturing these lovely people and make them smile because I am TRASH for Tyler's smile.  
> 2) THE CONCERT LAST NIGHT WAS SOGOOD I CRIED. TYLER'S SMILE LITERALLY MADE ME DIE INSIDE. I AM SCREAMING. no but honestly getting to listen to the band that has literally talked me out of my depression LIVE was truly a blessing. I got one of the tour hoodies and the CD to be able to remember it forever and I love it and I am never taking it off (jk but like I haven't taken it off yet). Also Josh and Tyler are somehow even cuter in person? I love them?  
> 3) I am so incredibly thankful for all of your support. I have always loved writing but been too afraid to put it on a platform and to get such amazing support is incredible thank you.  
> 4) It gets better. Find someone or something that gives you a reason to live because honestly, it gets better. It doesn't mean you won't ever feel the burning desire to jump in front of a train (God knows it happens to me) but it does get better. Stay alive frends.

After being released from the hospital, Tyler went to live with Josh and his family. The Josephs had no interest in their son and left him on his own. It wasn’t an easy transition from the hospital to the Dun household. Tyler was still suffering from the effects of the trauma and was extremely resistant, only really trusting Josh. But even with Josh, Tyler was wary. 

They didn’t trust Tyler to be alone so the boys shared Josh’s room. Josh gave him the bed and slept on a mattress on the floor, no matter how much Tyler insisted he take it. Neither boy slept much for those months. Tyler was tormented by nightmares, and Josh couldn’t sleep knowing that Tyler might wake up screaming any second.

After the trial, things started to settle. There was no longer the stress and weight that having to testify put on their shoulders. It was now February and Tyler was going to start going to school again, start trying to go back to the life he had before. Luckily for him, he was always a favorite of the school’s staff. He was polite, easygoing, a great student, and a star athlete. They were going to allow him to pick up where he left off without repercussions for the work he’s missed. 

On his last Sunday before starting school again, Tyler woke up after a sleep that thankfully had been free of nightmares. He rolled over on the bed to face the inside of the room where Josh was still asleep on the mattress. The sight made him smile, Josh’s dark curly hair stark against the white pillow and his mouth half open. 

Tyler took out his cellphone and took a quick picture, before opening his text messages. There was unread message from Zack, saying that they should meet up to talk soon. Zack was the only one in his family who had stayed in touch with him, the only one who wasn’t disgusted by who he was. It was difficult, not having your family, but after living with Josh for a while, Tyler came to see that his parents weren’t the same as others. They were far too intense, and created sets of irrational rules whenever they pleased. Josh’s parents loved their children, Tyler’s parents didn’t love him. That was the difference.

Josh began to stir on the mattress so Tyler put his phone down, and watched as the other boy slowly opened his brown eyes and smiled softly up at him.

“Good morning.” Tyler grinned. It felt unnatural to be this  _ happy _ and he knew that Josh was also surprised by the way he looked at him.

“How are you feeling?” Josh sat up cross legged so he was facing Tyler.

“I’m great.” Tyler couldn’t stop smiling, and it was contagious. Josh was now also grinning, and the two boys started laughing.

“I’m glad.” And Josh was being sincere. It had been a really hard few months, and although they weren’t out of the woods yet, it was so good seeing Tyler happy. Every smile, every laugh, every joke, was a reason to keep going.

“What are we doing today?” Tyler asked, repositioning himself on the bed.

“It’s your last day of freedom before school, what do you want to do?” Usually Josh had Tyler go with him to the mall, or out for ice cream, or something to make sure he keeps pushing himself and recovering. But today Tyler got to choose, and he only had one thing in mind.

“Let’s hang out with Jenna.” Tyler suggested, trying to sound casual.

“Oh, yeah, okay.” Josh also tried to sound as though it was totally normal, but frankly he was a little surprised. “Are you sure? I know it can be hard, to talk to people…”

“I’m ready. And anyway, I’m sure she will be understanding and make it easy for me.” Josh knew Tyler was right, if anyone was going to be easy for Tyler to talk to it would be Jenna. “Oh, also Zack wants to meet up. I told him I was going back to school tomorrow, and he wants to see me before then.”

“Tyler, are you sure that’s a good idea?” Although Tyler’s brother had always been accepting and taken his side, Josh was still wary of the Josephs, especially after what happened in court. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know, but it’s Zack. He’s my second favorite person in the world.” Tyler grinned teasingly.

“Oh yeah? And who’s your favorite?” Josh grinned up at him from his spot on the floor.

“Momma Dun.” At that Josh gasped with fake offense and tossed a pillow at Tyler, who caught it with ease. “Just kidding Joshie, you know it’s always been you.”

That made the drummer go red in the face and smile bashfully. 

“But don’t worry, Josh. You can come with me so that if for some reason Zack does anything you can step in, but I honestly trust him” Tyler’s tone was softer, more serious.

“Okay, let him know we’re free whenever. Do you want to text Jenna or should I?” Josh asked, and Tyler contemplated it for a minute. He hasn't talked to Jenna since November. She texted him at least once a week without fail, but he hardly responded. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was more that he  _ couldn’t _ . Most days were difficult, some days he couldn’t even find the will to get out of bed. He knew Josh was keeping her updated on his condition, but that didn’t make him feel any less guilty for being so cold.

“I’ll do it.” Tyler decided.

“Good. She’ll be happy to hear from you.” Josh stood up and stretched, making his white shirt creep up and expose his lower abdomen. Tyler quickly looked away, feeling an odd mix of arousal and shame. Even on the best days, there were reminders of that hellish week in the camp.

“I’m gonna hop in the shower.” Josh announced, grabbing a change of clothes and heading to the bathroom. Tyler stood and closed the bedroom door and looked through the closet. I was divided so they each had a side, but that didn’t mean that Tyler limited his wardrobe to his own clothes. He settle on a pair of grey skinny jeans and a black hoodie that said PANIC! At the Disco on it in white letters on the back. Brendon had sent them some merch after his first time ever playing on a big stage as one of the opening bands for Fall Out Boy. He let himself be swallowed by the oversized hoodie. He opened the door of the bedroom and carefully walked down the hall towards the stairs. Passing by the closed door of the bathroom, he could hear the water and Josh humming quietly.

Down in the kitchen, he was greeted by a smiley Mrs. Dun and the sweet smell of pancakes and syrup.

“Hi, sweetheart. How are you this morning?” The pet names and shear love the Josh’s mom gave him made him feel warm, but also twisted a sense of guilt in his stomach.

“I’m great, thanks.” He settled himself on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. “It smells good.”

“My famous pancakes. Straight from the box.” She chuckled at her own joke and he laughed softly with her. “Are you hungry? Do you want any?”

“I’ll wait for Josh.” But his stomach grumbled, disagreeing with his words. Just then, Jordan walks into the room, followed closely by Josh.

“Smells good, mom.” Jordan comments as he sits at one of the stools to the left of Tyler. Josh sits on the one to the right of him.

“Yeah, smells great.” Josh agrees, shooting Tyler a quick smile. 

“I’ll serve you boys in a minute. Jordan, can you grab the syrup from the fridge?” Jordan sighs dramatically and walks to the fridge, making the other two boys chuckle.

“You good, Ty?” Josh asks again.

“You know, you don’t need to ask if I’m okay every five minutes.” Tyler explains with a small smile. “But I’m good, I swear.”

“Good.” Josh turns his attention to the plate of hot pancakes being put in front of him and Tyler does the same. They eat in comfortable silence until Tyler’s phone buzzes. He opens it to see a message from Zack asking them to meet him for lunch at Tyler’s favorite restaurant. He shows the text to Josh, who nods because his mouth is too full of pancake to do any more than that. After quickly typing a reply he closes the phone and finishes his breakfast.

Once done with their food, they go back up to Josh’s room.

“Ty…” Josh starts, so Tyler turns to face him and raises an eyebrow. “I have something for you.”

“What is it?” 

“I got it for you on your birthday, when you were still in the hospital.” Josh turns to the closet and starts rummaging through the things on the top shelf. He finally finds what he’s looking for, a black case similar to that of a violin, and hands it to Tyler. “I’ve been waiting for the right time to give it to you.”

Tyler takes the case to the bed and carefully opens it to reveal a wooden instrument that looks like a tiny guitar.

“You got me a Ukulele?” Tyler gasps, laughing softly.

“Yeah. I know that music was one of the main ways you coped before, but because your piano is still at your old place you haven’t been playing much. I couldn’t afford more than this little thing but I heard it was pretty easy to learn and it looked cute--” Before Josh could finish his anxious rambling Tyler was wrapping him in a gentle hug, still a little tense and unsure of himself. Josh embraced it, hugging the skinnier boy tightly.

“I love it, Josh.” Tyler whispers as he pulls away.

“I’m glad.” Josh smiles at him fondly. “Now you’ll just have to learn how to play it.”

“I guess I will.” Tyler picks up the instrument and strums a couple chord softly before carefully putting it back in the case. “I actually have something I want to show you.”

“Oh yeah?” Josh watches as Tyler crosses the room to the desk and picks up a leather bound notebook.

“I wrote a song.” Tyler flips open the notebook to the page he’s looking for and hands it to Josh.

“Oh, wow.” Josh starts reading the words and Tyler swallows anxiously.

“When I have nightmares these are the words that keep repeating in my head over and over.”

“It’s beautiful, Ty.” Josh hands the notebook back. “Do you have a melody in minds, or a beat? We can try to work on it, if you’d like.”

“No, not today at least.” Tyler set the notebook down on top of the ukulele case. “I’m in a good mood, let’s keep it that way.”

“Fair enough.” Josh smiles and resists the urge to hug him again.

After everything, they still hadn’t had the conversation about where they stand. Obviously they were still best friends, but Josh had been too afraid to ask if they were still  _ boyfriends _ . He figured it didn’t matter, because Tyler was okay. And that’s all that mattered. But part of Josh still had to resist the urge to kiss him, and play with his hair, and call him sweet names. And that just about killed him.

“We should get going, to meet Zack.” Tyler’s voice pulls Josh out of his thoughts.

“Yeah, sure. Let me get changed.” Josh moves to the closet and grabs a pair of black skinny jeans and a light blue long sleeve shirt.

After both boys were ready, they got in the car and drove to the restaurant. It was silent aside from the quiet hum of the radio. Josh parked the car and was about to open the door when Tyler interrupted him.

“Wait.” Tyler was frozen in his seat.

“Is something wrong?” Josh asked, shifting so his body was facing Tyler.

“No, not really.” Tyler started anxiously wringing his hands in his lap. “I just… everything feels wrong.”

“What do you mean?” Josh pushed softly.

“This isn’t how it should be, you know?” Tyler peered up at him and then averted eye contact again. “We should be finishing up school, graduating. I should be living with my family, not meeting my brother in secret. We should be  _ together _ .” He sighs. “It’s just… so… unfair.”

“I know.” Josh agreed, trying not to get too caught up on what Tyler said about being together.

“I’m just so… angry.” Tyler was furiously grasping and pulling at his own hands now so Josh carefully took them in his own.

“Hey, Tyler, buddy. Look at me.” Tyler lifted his chin and looked at Josh with red, teary eyes. “I know this isn’t what we had planned, but I think we’re doing okay, considering everything that happened. And when it comes to your family, you do have one. You have me, my mom, Jordan, and Zack. And about your parents… it really sucks, don’t get me wrong, but maybe you’re better off without them.”

Tyler nodded, slipping one of his hands out of Josh’s gentle grip to wipe his tears.

“Okay, take a moment to catch your breath and we’ll go find Zack.”

When Tyler felt ready, they got out of the car and walked into the small restaurant, where Zack was already sitting at a table. When they got closer Zack’s head shot up and his face looked a mix of surprised, overjoyed, and relieved. He stood up and faced them, opening his mouth but no words came out. He cleared his throat and then spoke.

“Tyler. It’s  _ so  _ good to see you.” Tyler could tell it was taking all his self control not to hug him, so he opened his arms and pulled his brother into a hug himself. It was short, but sweet.

“Good to see you too, man.” Tyler gave him a crooked smile. Zack returned the smile and then turned to Josh, who had been standing while the brothers reunited.

“Thank you for taking care of him, Josh. Thank you.” He extended an arm and Josh accepted, shaking his hand firmly. “Okay. I already ordered some random stuff that we can all share, if that’s okay.”

Tyler and Josh chimed in their approval and the three boys sat at the table, Zack on one side and the other two on their own side.

“So… How are you? How’ve you been?” Zack has his forearms against the table, leaning toward them with curiosity.

“I’ve been better.” Tyler sighs. Zack hums to show him he’s listening. “But it could be worse. It was really shitty, for everyone, when I first got discharged. Every week there’s more good days, less nightmares. But you know, I always struggled with that shit, now it’s just amplified.”

“I’m so sorry. I’m such a shitty brother. I should have checked up on you more, made sure you were okay.”

“No, you’re not. I pushed everyone away. Even Josh.” Tyler poked him in the side teasingly. “It’s not your fault.”

“I should have been there though.” Zack mutteres sadly.

“It’s not too late.” The Joseph brothers look in surprise at Josh, who’d been quiet thus far. “You can be here now.”

“Josh’s right.” Tyler nods, and then chuckles lightly. “Today I’m having a good day, but there are still  _ plenty _ of bad days.”

“Are you on medication?” Zack asks, and Tyler shakes his head.

“I was on pain meds for the ribs until the end of December, but nothing for the mental stuff. Oh, there were sleeping pills a while back but they just made things worse, honestly.”

“Okay.” He stayed silent for a minute, before opening his mouth to speak again. “I’m sorry about mom and dad. They’re idiots.”

“Oh…” Tyler felt a pang in his chest, something of pain mixed with guilt. “No, they’re just old fashioned conservatives.”

“No, they’re idiots. I can understand the homophobic part but not the ‘I hate my son’ part.” Zack insists, and Tyler just wishes he’d shut up, not wanting to talk about them right now. Although he couldn’t form the words, Josh had his back.

“Let’s talk about something else, yeah?” Tyler nodded furiously and Zack apologized, taking a sip of his water. The three sat in awkward silence until their food got to the table.

When they finished eating, Zack promised to talk soon and they went their separate ways. There was a bit of tension at the end, but it Zack had proven himself to be non-threatening, and at this point Tyler needed all the friends he could get.

“Let’s go to Jenna’s place.” Tyler announces when they get into the car.

“Okay.” Josh starts driving and they get there in minutes. They park the car and step out, walking up to the front door and ringing the doorbell. Jenna opens the door, looking a little annoyed in her plaid pajama pants and oversized PANIC! Hoodie that clearly belongs to Brendon and not herself, but her eye widen and her mouth falls open when she sees the two boys on her patio. She immediately grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him into a bone-crushing hug. At first, he tenses against the touch, but after a few seconds he falls into her warm embrace, inhaling her scent and kissing her cheek.

“I’ve missed you.” She mutters into his ear, still holding him close.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler whispers, voice dry from tears. She gently pulls away, looking into his puffy red eyes.

“No apologies from you. This was NOT your fault.” Tyler nods, wiping his tears with the back of his sleeve. “Oh, nice hoodie.” She grins when she notices their identical hoodies and the three young adults chuckle, finally reunited.

  
  



	26. graduation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time hop until June to their graduation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So many people (like four but still) at my school have been wearing their concert merch this week including me and honestly it's amazing.

“Josh, are you sure that black and white isn’t too simple?” Tyler asks as the other boy helps him with the skinny black tie around his neck.

“I think it’s classy. And anyway, no one will see it under the robe.” Tyler hums in agreement as the other boy steps back and admires his work “I think it looks pretty darn good.”

“Can you believe we’re graduating?” Tyler walks over to the mirror leaning against the wall and looks at his reflection. His hair has grown out from when they shaved it into a buzz cut at the camp. He wasn’t as skinny and his eyes looked a little bit brighter. Neither of them had bothered applying to colleges and decided that they would give this whole band thing a real shot, and if it didn’t work it would just serve as a gap year. Anyway, Tyler’s scholarships got rejected after he stopped playing basketball due to the broken ribs, so college wasn’t a viable option for him.

“It’s crazy.” Josh walks over to join him in front of the mirror. Both boys are silent for a minute as they look at their reflections. The past year had been traumatizing not only for Tyler, but also for Josh, who had to spend it watching the person he loved most in the world suffer. Although they had gone through hell, they always stayed side by side. “Ready to go?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” They put on their shoes and head down the stairs, where Josh’s mom takes pictures of them, and they smile cheesily just to make her laugh.

 

The graduation ceremony was about what you’d expect from a public high school. There were chairs on the football field where all the family members sat baking in the sun. Each kid was called up, one by one, and handed a cheap paper diploma and given a ‘congratulations’ and a firm handshake from the principle.

After the ceremony, Josh and Tyler were going to be joined by Jenna and Brendon at Josh’s place for a small party. While most students were celebrating new beginnings, for Josh and Tyler it felt more like a celebration of survival, the survival of a truly terrible year. In fact, Jenna was the only one who was planning to go to university to get a degree in photography with a minor in business to be able to open her own ‘business’. She wanted to be able to capture all the good memories for people, because sometimes it’s too easy to forget the good in the world.

They rarely saw Brendon these days. He had relocated to Los Angeles, where his band had been signed by a big record label and was working on their first actual album. He visited when he could, and luckily was able to come up for their graduation.

They were in the car, Josh driving, Tyler in the passenger seat, and the other two in the back.

“Josh, I may or may not have booked us to play at the Hillcrest again.” Tyler tries to catch his eye, but Josh is looking straight ahead at the road. The Hillcrest was the cafe that let local bands sign up to play live music.

“Oh yeah? For when?” Tyler can’t help but smile at Josh’s cluelessness. He adored how innocent the drummer always seemed.

“Tonight?” That gets Josh’s attention. He turns his head to glance at him for a second and then looks back at the road.

“But we aren’t prepared. What are we going to play?”

“I have a couple songs, and you’ve always been good at improvising.”

“Well… Okay. When do we need to be there.” Tyler grinned.

“Now, ish.” Josh sighs dramatically and Tyler chuckles as they pull a U-turn.

“Where are we going?” Brendon asks from the back, where the other two had been chatting, oblivious to the conversation they were having up front.

“The Hillcrest. Time for Twenty One Pilots’ second show.” Tyler grins and Josh rolls his eyes, but smiles.

 

Once they are settled on the stage, Tyler takes a moment before starting introductions to look over at Josh. The drummer is wearing the same black pants, white shirt, black tie combination as he is, but Tyler decides that it looks a lot better on Josh. In Tyler’s totally unbiased opinion, everything looks better on Josh.

He turns his attention back to the microphone when Josh catches his eye and gives him a thumbs ups and a reassuring smile.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” Tyler briefly looks about the audience, noticing it’s a lot more crowded than the mere twelve people they played for last time. Tonight, the cafe is packed with at least thirty people, he even sees some people he recognizes from school, who look at him with surprise and confusion.

“My name’s Tyler, and that’s my buddy Josh over there on the drums. We’re gonna play some music for you.” Tyler readjusts himself on the piano bench, smiling when he hears Brendon and Jenna cheering from the front of the room. There are a few more scattered applause and then he starts to play.

The first song he plays is one that he wrote at the beginning of the year, March to the Sea. With any luck, Josh remembers it and they can start off without having to improvise to much. Playing in front of these people was something he thought would be a lot harder. And it was, it was hard to walk on stage, face a bunch of people who don’t know you, haven’t heard your music, and honestly probably won’t even like it. That part was hard. But the part where they were actually playing, and he was singing, was a lot easier than he anticipated. Once his fingers fell on the keys and his voice rang out in the quiet room, he found the confidence he lacked in the melody and in the meaning of the words.

He found confidence in the steady rhythm of Josh’s drums.

Before he knew it, the song was over and there was a brief moment of silence and stillness before scattered applause and chatter filled the room. Tyler sighed in relief before glancing over at Josh, who was grinning widely with fondness and pride.

“This next one goes out to someone I only met recently, but has truly inspired me.” He started to play the melody to ‘Lovely’, the song he wrote for Jenna back in November. He decided to alter it a little bit for the live performance, and was really pleased by the outcome. In fact, he just truly adored how it sounded on the piano.

As he hit the keys, he glanced over the top of the piano and caught Jenna’s eye, trying to somehow tell her without using words that the song was for her. Judging by the huge smile and look of adoration on her face, she already knew.

And so he started to sing.

 

_ You say things with your mouth _

_ Cobwebs and flies come out _

_ I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow _

_ Luckily I can read your mind _

_ Flies and cobwebs unwind _

_ They will not take you down _

_ They will not cast you out, out. _

 

_ Won't you stay alive _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely. _

 

_ Your redemption won't grow stale _

_ We are now just setting sail _

_ On the seas of what we fear _

_ Treason now is growing near to me _

 

_ I'm coming clean _

_ God, hit me straight on. _

 

_ Won't you stay alive _

_ I'll take you on a ride _

_ I will make you believe you are lovely. _

 

The song came to an end, and he looked up to see Jenna smiling, her eyes teary with pure joy. Brendon had his arm wrapped around her and he gave him a big smile, mouthing  _ good job _ at him before leaning over to press a kiss on her temple. It made him feel warm inside, the way his words made her happy. All he wanted was to see the people he loved happy, especially after witnessing them in so much pain over the past few months.

“This song is new so sorry if it’s a little rough around the edges.” Tyler speaks softly into the microphone as he shuffles through his sheet music, looking for the song he only wrote a few days earlier. He fiddled with the microphone again and then pressed the keys, notes playing out into the silent room. Then the notes became for aggressive, more urgent, as the lyrics poured of his mouth like a cry for help, rather than a song.

 

_ I don't fall slow like I used to _

_ I fall straight down _

_ You've stolen my air catcher _

_ That kept me safe and sound _

 

_ My parachutes will guide me _

_ Safely to ground _

_ But now the cord's not working _

_ And I see you staring me down _

 

_ I won't fall in _

_ Love with falling _

_ I will try to avoid _

_ Those eyes _

 

He looked up to see Jenna and Brendon smiling, but with a little bit of concern or perhaps empathy behind their eyes. Maybe because they understood the lyrics, and they knew what the song was really about. This song was not about depression, or a friend, or even his deepest darkest thoughts. This song was about him, and Josh, and about the terrible people who took away his identity and his sense of security.

This song was about being afraid of everything, even those who loved him.

He heard the beating of drums in the background and glanced at Josh, who was matching a beat to the piano melody he was playing. He smiled and put his head down, focusing on the song.

 

_ I think you would beat _

_ The moon in a pretty contest _

_ And the moon just happened to be _

_ The very first thing that I missed _

 

_ I was doing fine on my own _

_ And there wasn't much I lacked _

_ But you've stolen my air catcher _

_ And I don't know if I want it back _

 

_ I won't fall in _

_ Love with falling _

_ I will try to avoid _

_ Those eyes _

 

_ 'Cause I'm not sure _

_ I want to give you _

_ Tools that can destroy _

_ My heart _

 

Although there were more lyrics scribbled messily on the paper, he decided to end the song there before he could let himself get too emotional. It wasn’t easy, singing about that time in his life. But it was easier than talking about it, and after he did, it was as though a part of the weight he carried on his back had been lifted off his shoulders.

“Okay, I’m gonna kick my amazing drummer off the stage now for this last song, so go ahead and give him a round of applause.” Tyler spoke into the microphone, using every ounce of his strength to keep his voice steady, confident, and loud. There was clapping accompanied by the loud and borderline obnoxious cheers from Jenna and Brendon. Josh smiled and stood up to walk off stage, but not before shooting Tyler a confused questioning look. Tyler stood up and walked over to back corner of the stage, where the ukulele Josh had given him a few months back was in it’s case, waiting to be played. He took the tiny instrument and stepped up so he was sitting atop the upright piano, legs dangling off. He adjusted the microphone and spoke.

“Some of you may know this song, so feel free to sing along.” He strummed a couple chords softly before adding, “This one goes out to the love of my life.” 

His eyes briefly met those of his three friends, Jenna looked surprised, Brendon looked proud, but Josh looked completely star struck. He gave the drummer a weak smile and began to sing.

 

_ Wise men say only fools rush in _

_ But I can't help falling in love with you _

 

_ Shall I stay? Would it be a sin _

_ If I can't help falling in love with you? _

 

_ Like a river flows _

_ Surely to the sea _

_ Darling, so we go _

_ Some things were meant to be _

 

_ Take my hand, take my whole life too _

_ 'Cause I can't help falling in love with you _

 

_ Like a river flows _

_ Surely to the sea _

_ Darling, so we go _

_ Some things were meant to be _

 

He looked up from the tiny instrument, his heart pounding out of his chest and a smile creeping on his lips as he saw Josh’s look of pure adoration and love looking back at him. As he continued the song, he heard the audience’s voices join in and melt with his own, creating a sound better than that of the most perfectly trained choir and sweeter than the song of any bird. I was theirs. It was a sound the Tyler wanted to hear for the rest of his life.

 

_ Take my hand, take my whole life too _

_ 'Cause I can't help falling in love with you _

_ 'Cause I can't help falling in love with you _

 

_ But I can't help falling in love with you _

 

After playing the last chord, he looks up to see everyone in the cafe smiling back up at him as they began to clap. His eyes meet Josh’s, and his heart melts at the sight of the other boy, but the love is quickly replaced with fear, guilt, and  _ shame _ . The overwhelming urge to  _ run _ takes over so he fumbles for the microphone.

“Thank you, everyone.” He mumbles and hops off the piano, quickly puts the ukulele back in its case, and leaves out the backdoor. Once the cold outside air meets his skin he immediately feels his heart beat slow. He finds the exterior wall of the building and lets the cool concrete meet his back, sliding down to meet the ground, knees drawn up to his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on his breathing. In, out. In, out. In, out.

“Tyler?” He hears a door being pushed open and familiar voice, dripping with worry. “Tyler? Are you here?”

He hears footsteps.

“Tyler. There you are.” Josh kneels down next to him, and Tyler slowly opens his eyes but stays on the ground. “Are you okay?”

Josh slowly reaches his hand out, but when Josh’s warm, calloused fingers brush his exposed lower arm, he jerks away, shaking his head.

“No touching.” He whispers.

“Okay, no touching.” Josh sits cross legged on the ground in front of him.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler mutters, holding back tears. “I’m a mess.”

“Don’t apologize, you have nothing to be sorry for.” Josh is patient, and in that moment Tyler feels both eternally grateful but also weirdly guilty for bringing him into the mess that is his life.

“I’m sorry you have to be a part of this.” Tyler sighs, wiping his tears with the back of his hand.

“Tyler, I love you. I wouldn’t trade being here with you for anything in the world.” Tyler wanted to feel guilty or ashamed for hearing those words, but he couldn’t. All he felt was loved and that scared him shitless.

“I love you too, Josh.” He whispered. Then he added, louder. “But I’m not ready yet. To touch you, to kiss. To hold hands. I need… I need time.”

“I’ll give you that time, Ty.” Josh’s sweet words and his use of the nickname made him smile softly. “There’s that pretty smile I love.”

“And no flirting, unless I tell you it’s okay.” Tyler added, blushing a little at the complement.

“Okay.” Josh moved so he was sitting next to him but left enough room between the two of them so they couldn’t touch. That is, until Tyler shuffled closer, closing the gap and gently leaning his head on Josh’s shoulder. Josh froze, staying absolutely still as not to do anything that would spook Tyler and just enjoying being so physically close to his best friend. The air was cold, but by each other’s sides both of them only felt warm.


	27. collar full

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna POV short happy chapter cause why tf not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) School was cancelled because of smoke. Ain't it fun when your state is low-key going up in flames?  
> 2) I GOT TICKETS TO SEE PANIC IN FEBRUARY AHHHH  
> 3) thank you for all the love on this fic and my new one <3

“Brendon!” Jenna exclaimed as she ran up to the boy who had just pulled into her driveway. It was now late August, and she hadn’t seen her boyfriend since June. He had been touring the west coast and Canada but was finally back in Ohio. He was actually here as part of tour, but today he didn’t have to play a show so they planned to spend it together.

“Hey, beautiful.” He met her halfway and pulled her into a tight hug. They stayed like that for a minute, just enjoying being close again. Then Brendon pulled away, gave her a big cheesy grin, and then pushed his soft lips against her own. After so long, it almost felt like there first kiss all over again. There was a tingling sensation throughout her body and her chest felt warm. They only separated when the need to breath forced them to.

“Have I ever told you how pretty you are?” Jenna says softly as she reaches out to gently stroke his cheek.

“No, pretty sure I’m the one who’s supposed to call you pretty.” His tone isn’t mocking though, it’s soft like her own.

“Yeah, well, it’s not my fault my boyfriend is just so pretty.” They intertwine their fingers and Jenna leads him up the driveway and to the front door. Her parents are in the kitchen, and for the first time since they started dating, she is going to formally introduce them. It was something she was putting off doing until she felt her mom and dad were stable enough to handle it, and she felt that now they were. Her mother finally gave in and started grief counseling. For a few months it seemed to make things a lot worse as they reopened old wounds, but now she doing a lot better and finally coping with the loss in a healthy way. Her father has seeked help from a program and was sober, which helped him be happier with himself and those around him.

Things were finally getting better.

“Mom, Dad. Meet Brendon.” The three exchange their introductions, Brendon and her dad shook hands and, to her surprise, her mom hugged her boyfriend and whispered something in his ear that made him smile.

“Well, Brendon, I hope your hungry.” They follow her mom to the dining room where they are met with a plate of hot chicken and a bowl of mashed potatoes, some corn on the cob, and a couple different green salads.

“Wow, it looks amazing.” He sits next to her and gives her a small smile. Jenna just about melts. She always forgets, until they are together again, just how much he means to her and how happy he makes her.

“So, Brendon, what do you do?” Her dad’s tone wasn’t aggressive or demanding, more curious and interested.

“I’m a musician, actually. We’re on tour right now, with another band, and it’s going really well.” He explains as he serves himself some mashed potatoes.

“Oh yeah? What kind of music?” She can tell her dad is put off by the music, but she isn’t sure if it’s because he thinks it’s a bad occupation or if it’s because her brother used to play a lot of instruments. For once, she hopes it’s the former.

“Alternative rock, mostly. But we like to play around with many different genres. Most of our inspiration actually comes from Elton John and the Beatles, I would even go as far as to say that Queen’s stuff had really had an impact on us.” He explains.

“Interesting. So your part of a band?” Her dad asks.

“Yeah. Lead singer for Panic! At the Disco.” He smiles with pride and Jenna does the same, so proud to call the talented man beside her her boyfriend.

“Interesting.” Her dad nodded. She could tell it was taking all his self control not to be too nosy and ask too many questions. “How did you too meet?”

“I met him around when he moved here, he’s a good friend of Josh and Tyler’s.” Jenna explains, giving Brendon a break from answering all the questions.

The rest of lunch went pretty smoothly. Jenna’s parents ended up chatting about some drama going on with her cousins so she and Brendon just snuck each other small smiles as they enjoyed the food. Eventually, they left the house and got into his car.

“Hey, Bren?” Jenna starts.

“Yeah?”

“What did my mom tell you when she hugged you?” Jenna asks, curious.

“Oh. She thanked me.” Brendon explained with the hint of a smile on his face.

“For what?”

“For making you happy.” His smile grew, and he looked over to Jenna.

“Well, you do make me happy.” She said softly, keeping eye contact that made her blush

“Where do you wanna go?” He asked breaking the eye contact and turning on the engine.

“Let’s go to your place.”

 

When they get to Brendon’s apartment, they shut the door behind them and he quickly turns to kiss her, gently pushing her against the wall. She was a bit stunned at first, but just as quickly she got comfortable with the feeling of his mouth on her own, hot breath on her face. The kisses were messy, neither of them extremely experienced. She let her fingers make their way up his back until they rested in his soft black hair, gently brushing through them, tangling and tugging gently. His lips slowly started to travel away from her’s, making their way across her cheek, to her jaw, and down to her neck. Where he kissed the soft, sensitive, skin gently as not to leave any marks. She tilted her head back to give him better access.

“Is this okay?” He asked breathlessly in between kisses.

“More than okay.” She sighed, leaning into his touch.

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” He added before going back to kissing her lips, this time even more passionately, and she gave in, allowing his tongue to slip inside her mouth. It caught her by surprise so she quickly pulled away.

“Everything okay?” He looked so worried, so innocent. It made her heart melt.

“Yeah, yeah.” She nodded and smiled, but there was something she thought she should tell him now, before they got to far into it. She didn’t want to have sex with him. It wasn’t  _ him. _ It was doing it in general. She wasn’t ready yet. “There’s one thing though, I don’t want to have sex yet. I’m not ready.”

“Okay.” He said simply. She was surprised that he was so…  _ chill _ about it. Then he added, with a sheepish grin, “Is the kissing okay?”

“Oh my God yes.” She said as their lips met again needily. Eventually they wandered aimlessly to the couch, falling onto it, Brendon on top of her. She was still petting his hair, messing it up from it’s previously perfect up-swept look. His hands were on her sides, keeping himself from collapsing onto her. In that moment everything was forgotten. All her insecurities, all her fears. It was all forgotten and left behind. All she felt in that moment was love. Pure adoration and love.

The last few months were obviously difficult for Josh and Tyler, but also for her. After three hellish years that began with mental illness, worsened with the loss of her brother, and ended with watching a new friend going through a traumatizing experience, it felt unnatural to just be happy. When the world was seemingly against you, it was difficult to forget the good in it.

 

The next night, as she watched her boyfriend animatedly performing on the big stage in front of thousands of people, she was sure about one thing.

That everything was going to be okay.

  
  



	28. smithereens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> short chapter that won't make you cry  
> well, at least not tears of sadness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smithereens literally makes me smile like an IDIOT and it makes me wish I had someone to sing it to  
> It started playing when I was driving today and I sang it so loud I'm shocked no one heard me outside my car lmao

“Josh?” Tyler asked, looking across the couch to the other boy, who was sitting on the other end, curled up against the arm rest. The drummer hummed in response to show he was listening, but kept his eyes on the television screen, which was playing one of those overly dramaticized doctor shows. “Will you go on a date with me?”

Josh’s head snapped to face him, the initial surprise being replaced with a grin as Tyler smiled at him sheepishly.

“Of course I will.” He spoke softly, and the words bypassed Tyler’s brain going straight to his heart and making him feel warm and mushy inside. He’s known Josh for his whole life, but he still has the ability to make him feel completely and totally helpless. He’s puddy in Josh’s hands.

“Tonight, let’s go out to dinner. White table cloths. Metal silverware. The whole shabang.” He giggled, hating the noise coming out of his mouth but quickly pushing the thought away when he noticed the look of pure adoration on Josh’s face.

“Well, I should shower than. It’s almost seven, we should get going soon.” Josh stood, and Tyler did the same.

“I showered this morning so I’ll just go get changed.” They went their separate ways, Tyler up to his room in the small two bedroom they shared. At the end of August they moved out of Josh’s parents house with the salary from Josh’s job at guitar center. Tyler spent most days either with Jenna or the Duns, because he was still struggling and shouldn’t be alone for too long. He was still wary about being too  _ physical _ with Josh, so they slept in separate rooms. Over the past few months, they had only really hugged a couple times, but recently Tyler started wanting more. It scared him to want to feel  _ close _ to someone else. He hadn’t felt that since before November of last year, which now was almost over a year ago. Crazy how time flies.

That summer they released their first album, which they simply named Twenty One Pilots after the band. The album had caught the attention of some people on the local level, and the song “Johnny Boy” ended up getting some attention on the national scale. If someone had told Tyler back then that he would be writing his music, he wouldn’t have believed them, but there was nothing else he could imagine doing with his life.

When he made it up to the bedroom, he looked in his closet at his options. He went with black pants and a short sleeve white button down. Simple. Classy. He heard Josh shutting off the water and opening the bathroom door and walked down the wall to brush his teeth and such. As he left his room, he saw Josh as the other boy slipped into his room. He was naked except for a towel around his waist. The sight made him shiver.

 

They meet downstair five minutes later, and Tyler’s heart swells when Josh compliments him. It still felt like a blessing, having him in his life. Josh also looked good, long sleeve black button up tucked into grey slacks with a black bow tie. It looked especially good with Josh’s newly dyed red hair. They get into the car and drive to the nicest restaurant in their small town, an American grill type. Josh was as romantic as possible, holding open the door for him and even going as far as to pull out his chair.

“Such a gentlemen.” Tyler smirks as Josh settles in the seat across from him at the table for two.

“Only the best for the best.” Josh smiles so warmly Tyler almost gets him confused for the sun.

They chat lightly for a while, and it almost feels as though they are falling in love again. Tyler forces himself to keep his mind off the past, and just focuses on Josh. His face, his voice, his laugh. His curly colorful hair, his brown eyes that could hold the entire universe in them. He’s in love, he can’t help it.

Just when it feels as though nothing could distract him from the gorgeous man in front of him, he hears a man walking past them muttering something under his breath. He quickly stands from the chair, turning to face the man, who is much bigger than him and definitely stronger, and calls out to him.

“Excuse me, what did you say?” Tyler’s voice comes out higher than he had hoped, but it doesn’t stop the anger that’s coursing through his veins.

“Called your little boyfriend there a fag, do we have a problem?” The man turns around, looking unimpressed. Suddenly the restaurant falls silent. All eyes are on him as he shakily walks toward the older, bigger, middle aged man. He faintly hears Josh telling him to sit down, but he doesn’t listen. He couldn’t let anyone get away with speaking about Josh like that.

“Yeah, we do, actually.” Before Tyler can process what’s happening, the man swing his fist out, nailing him right in the nose. The smaller stumbles backwards from the initial shock, but now the anger is replaced with rage. He steps back up towards him, ducking down to avoid another swing to the face and kneeing the older man in the groin. The man curses, but before they can continue the fight, he feels Josh gently grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him away, a waiter dragging the other man out of the restaurant.

“Tyler, what the fuck was that?” Josh exclaims as he grabs a stack of paper towels from another waiter who at some point appeared by their side.

“He called you a fag.” Tyler stated matter-of-factly as though it was completely obvious. Josh just chuckled and shook his head. The drummer takes the paper towels and gently presses them against his nose to clean up some of the blood. The front of his white shirt is stained with small red droplets, and honestly the sight makes him smile at how ridiculous the whole situation was.

“I love ya, Joshie.” Tyler mutters happily, the other man still cleaning up his face.

“I love you too, Ty.” Josh takes the dirty napkins and sets them down on the table, reaching over and taking the other’s hand in his own. “Just don’t go around fighting people for me, okay?”

“Sorry, Josh. I would get beat to a pulp for you.” That made Josh laugh. Tyler liked it when Josh laughed.

“Try to stay in one piece for me, yeah?” Tyler couldn’t wait anymore. He leaned across the table and gave Josh a gentle and soft kiss on the lips. They pull away slowly, both of them a little red in the face, not only from blushing but also in part due to the blood that was still trickling out of Tyler’s nose.

"I've missed doing that." Tyler whispered and they pushed their lips together again.

  
  



	29. fear will lose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't expecting to make this the last chapter... but here we go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big THANK YOU to all of you who read this, wether you have been following from the beginning or are reading it years from now, I appreciate each and every one of you. I'm really going to miss this story and who knows maybe I'll rewrite it to make it better or I'll write a sequel or something.

“Before we play this last song for you, there are a few things I want to say.” Tyler speaks into the microphone as he overlooks the sea of people before him. They slowly begin to quiet down, the only sound being the hum of whispers and the occasional shout of  _ I love you _ or  _ thank you  _ from someone in the audience, which makes him smile. It’s still crazy to him, that they made it this far. It was their first big show tonight after releasing Vessel, their first album with their record label. The album had gotten a crazy amount of attention, hitting the charts as number one alternative album only a few days after being released. Now they were both twenty five, and living the dream. Writing music together, even traveling the world. He and Josh were also  _ together _ , and that was enough to keep him going.

“When I was a teenager, I started to give up on life. Things got… they got really hard. I was really depressed, and then went through an experience that made me really… I just wanted to die.” He paused for a minute, blinking to make sure tears wouldn’t come out. For a minute, time stood still. Everyone in the crowd was silent. He looked over to Josh, who was sitting at the drums. The red haired man gave him a small smile and a reassuring nod. “But now, I’m with my best friend in the entire world playing venues across the country, writing music, sharing it with all of you. Not to say I’m not the same person I was all those years ago. I still have those thoughts, they never really go away. But you get better at dealing with them, or maybe you find a really good distraction.”

He moves to sit at the upright piano on the other side of the stage.

“And if any of you out there have ever felt the same way, whether you are in this arena with me now, or whether you are watching this on your phone, I want you to know that it does get better. It gets so much better.” His hands were shaking as they hover over the keys and everything goes dark. A spotlight appears over him, and he starts to play

 

_ I know where you stand _

_ Silent in the trees _

_ And that's where I am _

_ Silent in the trees. _

_ Why won't you speak _

_ Where I happen to be? _

_ Silent in the trees _

_ Standing cowardly. _

 

_ I can feel your breath. _

_ I can feel my death. _

_ I want to know you. _

_ I want to see. _

_ I want to say _

 

He takes a minute to look up over the crowd. There was a single tear trickling down his cheek and he was aware that everyone could probably see it on the big screen above the stage.

 

_ Hello. _

 

The rest of the song felt like a blur. When he wasn’t singing, he looked up to see the audience making the song their own, and it was honestly one of the greatest things he had ever seen in his life, them singing back at him. Josh was putting his heart and soul into the drums, and the song felt like so much more than just some words he scribbled on a piece of paper. It was a moment that he shared with the single person he loved most in the world and their incredible fans.

After the song came to an end, he stood up and walked to the middle of the stage where he and Josh usually met halfway and bowed, before leaving the stage. When he got there though, the drummer was nowhere to be seen. He looked around the stage, feeling like an idiot, until he saw Josh running back onto the stage, holding something in his hand. He frowned, as Josh came up to him and kneeled.

Than his heart stopped.

He knew where this was going.

Was it possible?

It couldn’t be.

But it was.

“Tyler Joseph, I love you more than you will ever know. I have seen you at your lowest lows and been with you for your highest highs.” If Tyler had been more aware, he would of laughed at how cheesy Josh sounded. “And I want to be with you for the rest of your life.”

He felt as though he was drowning. He could hear the crowd but he wasn’t really listening. Even though they couldn’t hear what Josh had said, they say the tiny box that could have only housed an engagement ring, and if that didn’t give it away, the way he was kneeling in front of the singer would have. Tyler’s thoughts were rushing at one thousand miles per hour and he felt himself go weak in the knees.

“Will you marry me?” Josh looked up at him, waiting for an answer, but all he could do was nod, no words would come out. The drummer stood up and took his shaking hands in his own, sliding on the ring. It was a simple band, but with an engraving, ‘you are lovely’. Josh then cupped Tyler’s face with his hands before planting a soft but passionate kiss on his lips. Tyler put his own hands on Josh’s sides to stay stable, skin sweaty from the workout drumming gave him.

At this point the crowd was going crazy, which made sense considering that the two men had kept their relationship a secret from the fans until now. It wasn’t that they were ashamed of who they were, it was just that the two valued their privacy, and that was difficult to have when millions of people knew everything about what was going on in their lives. They never outright lied about their relationship. In fact, sometimes in interviews they would go along with it if a question suggested they were together, and they would make a joke out of it.

But now their secret was out.

And honestly? Tyler was okay with that.

He pulled away from Josh, a big crooked smile on his face, and reached out for the microphone.

“Thanks for having us, but uh, we’re gonna go celebrate.” He knew that sounded suggestive, but frankly he didn’t care. He grabbed Josh by the hand and dragged him off the stage. He heard the cheering behind them and although he adored their fans he sighed in relief when they made it backstage, where it was silent and still.

They stood in the hallway for a while. As he looked into Josh’s deep, brown eyes, searching for the right words to say, he remembered why he fell in love all over again. When they were together, he had no reason to be afraid. It was cheesy, but Josh was like his life boat, and when life got too fast, he knew he could rely on him to bring him safely to shore.

“What the fuck was that?” The boys jumped and turned to see Brendon walking up to them with a big grin, well it was more of a smirk, on his face. He was closely followed by Jenna, who was practically glowing as she ran past him and towards them, camera still in hand. 

“Congratulations!” She squealed as she hugged Josh tightly, who thanked her before letting her go so she could do the same to Tyler. “I got some amazing pictures of the whole thing.”

“Thank you, Jen.” Tyler couldn’t stop  _ smiling. _ He felt like the biggest idiot alive, but he was just so in love. Now, more than ever, he meant what he had said in his speech. It does get better.

“Ty-ler.” Josh said in a sing song voice, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“Hmm.” All the singer can do is stare at him blankly, no words seeming good enough for this moment. “Sorry, I just… I don’t know what to say.”

“What are you thinking?” Josh took one of his hands in his own, stroking the back of it with his thumb. Tyler almost forgot what he wanted to say because all he felt in that moment was Josh.

“Are you sure you want to marry me?” Tyler started, avoiding eye contact.

“Yep. One hundred percent sure.” Josh interrupted and gave him that signature smile that could make him melt right then and there.

“I mean, I’m messed up.” Tyler continued.

“And I love you.” Josh butted in.

“I’m unpredictable.”

“And I love you.

“We work together. There’s a lot of things that could go wrong.” Tyler chuckled nervously.

“And…” Josh paused to kiss him on the forehead. “I…” A kiss on the nose. “Love you…” A final kiss on the lips.

“Are you sure, I won’t hold it against you if you back down now. We can just be friends, and keep going with the band like normal.” Tyler continued and wouldn’t have stopped unless Josh cut him off.

“Look. We have practically been married our whole lives. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I did you would be mine, Ty. Anyone who’s known us since high school would say the same.” That made Tyler shut up. “Let’s go back to the hotel room, it’s almost one in the morning. We should get some sleep.”

Tyler nodded and he and Josh slipped out of the stadium, hand in hand. It was part of the fun they had after shows. They would pull on oversized hoodies, hood up and all, and leave the venue out the same doors as the people who watched them perform. They would go completely unnoticed, but they did it so they could overhear the excited chatter of the fans. It still gave them a rush, knowing people listened to and  _ liked _ their music.

 

When they got to the hotel, Tyler was so exhausted emotionally and physically. He and Josh talked about going to dinner or something, but it was so late (or should we say early) that they decided against it. He wanted to go straight to bed, but the way his shirt stuck to his chest from all the sweat when he tried to pull it off reminded him that showering might be a good idea.

“Do you want to come in the shower with me?” He smiled shyly as Josh peeled off his own clothes, tossing them aside. Then he quickly added, “Ya know, to save water.”

“I’d love to.” Josh spoke barely above a whisper, failing to hide his excitement. He had seen Tyler naked before. Back when things were at a really low point, he would help him shower. Josh, however, had always had at least his underwear on in front of him. 

Tyler walked over to the bathroom and turned the shower on. He was followed by Josh, who was also without his shirt on, only wearing his pants.

“Are you sure you’re comfortable with this?” Josh checks.

“Yep, I’m sure.” Tyler walks over to him feeling as though his heart is about to burst out of his chest. He gently reaches out and takes Josh by the hips, and pulls him close, giving him a long, soft kiss on the lips. When he pulls away, the drummer is red in the face. “But no sex.”

“No sex.” Josh repeats, nodding. Tyler takes off his pants and his underwear, and Josh does the same but not without taking a moment to just look at his fiance. His skin is no longer littered with scars, and he has gained a lot of weight (in a good way). Not only is he less skeletal, but his skin isn’t as pale, and he finally looks  _ alive _ . 

“Are you coming or are you just going to stare at me like an idiot?” Tyler smirks and Josh snaps out of it, following him into the shower. There was nothing sexual about it. They washed each other’s hair, and just enjoyed the closeness of the experience.

After drying off, Tyler grabbed one of Josh’s hoodies and boxers before crawling under the duvet of the single queen sized bed in the room. He loved wearing Josh’s clothes because he felt as though he was being swallowed by the clothing, and that he could just disappear if he wanted to. Josh joined him second later, no shirt but wearing sweats. They were opposites, in a way, like to ends of a magnet.

“On the ring… ‘you are lovely’. Why did you choose that?” Tyler asked as they laid facing each other.

“I know you wrote the song for Jenna, but I think it applies to you too. You are lovely, you just don’t believe it.” Josh gave him the softest smile, the kind meant just for him. 

“Josh…” Tyler started as he stared lovingly into his now fiance’s eyes. There was so much he wanted to say, but no words could express that kind of emotion. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” Josh moved closer, and Tyler closed the gap. Allowing the drummer to wrap his arms around him, and hold him. In that moment, as he laid with his fiance, even more so than after the trial all those years ago, Tyler knew he won.

  
  



	30. THANK YOU

THANK YOU to EVERYONE who read. I have always loved writing but never had the guts to put out on a platform until now, and I'm so thankful to have been given such positive comments and feedback. I can't thank all of you enough, truly.

If you liked it, keep your eye out for a SEQUEL that will continue from where we left off in the same universe (I'll leave a link once it's up). It will be loosely connected to this story but written so that it can also be ready as a stand alone. I will be working on it alongside my current work, A Lack of Color.

Check out A Lack of Color HERE and leave me some feedback!

Thank you again to everyone who left a comment, kudos, or even just read this. I honestly cannot express how thankful I am to have had the opportunity to share this with y'all.


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